Fuck You Married At First Sight 2019

Holy shit, they’ve done it again! I didn’t think anything could top last years shit show, but it happened. Am I’m fucking thrilled to bits.

We have a villain that makes Davina look like Bambi.

Yeah. Nah.

Who couldn’t care less about hubby doing these ones at breakfast

LOOK!

And a Kardashian-Jenner hybrid.

Made in Instagram Heaven

Who singlehandedly made a part of her new husband freeze.

Just throw some cold water on it bro.

They unearthed a Country Boy.  Who looks genuinely confused to be there.

One minute I was tending to my cat on 5 acres, the next minute I was here.

Who got inexplicably paired with Jessika.

I don’t know what is going on.

But she did give us some brotherly jail bait!

Don’t drop the soap bro. Those tatts won’t save you.

They gave us Lizzy.

I eat toaster pizza for breakfast.

Who wasn’t about to take shit from the Ken Doll.

Just get me some handbag biscuits.
That five minutes where Australia doesn’t realise you are a giant prick.

We even got Australia’s first reality TV virgin.

Dryer than rooting a box of kitty litter.
My scared penis is that way.

But Wife Lauren was up for the challenge of releasing the load.

Rise that not-so-wild salami girlfriend.
HEADS!

There is an update on Sarah & Telv. Who might just stay together!

Winning.

They are so cute they even made a silent disco look adorable.

Rhubarb, Rhubarb, Rhubarb.

We got a hilarious Filipino-Aussie Bride.

Is that your brother pointing a gun in my face or are you just pleased to see me?

Who had a moment after swearing in front of the food.

I just said fuck it, I don’t like fucking salad mum! FUUUUCCCCCKKKKK.

And a guy who fancies himself as a bit of Magic Mike.

Sweat from my balls.

And after banging 20 somethings in hostels for years, is ready to settle down.

Like, whatever.

Which means sadly for wifey Heidi, he will be running to the nearest YHA after the show ends.

I can’t believe I pissed in a cup for this guy.

Then there is Ning.

Who clearly is not going to get Mark to finally say “I Love You” to a woman.

Sphincter says what?

And Dino. The Zen Master of Calm™

Namaste mother fuckers.
Relax. It’s a pose called the Tea Bag.

Who is tasked with getting Melissa to fly her freak flag once more.

I can feel it down in my plums.

What more could we want? It’s a fiesta of crazy and it’s every bit as nuts as the last season. I’m so excited I just need to decompose!

I’m now glued to my TV screen four nights a week for the next few months and I’m proud to say I don’t care.  Who knew that such a terrible idea could turn into such thrilling viewing?

Fuck You Married at First Sight, you are simply TOO good. Real or not real we are lapping it up like the puppets that you know we are, being not-so-gently lead along with each new storyline. It’s SICK. You are showing Australia the very best and worst of relationships and serving it up on a golden ratings plater which I am ashamed to admit I’m powerless to resist.

FUCK YOU (can’t wait until Sunday).

THE END

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. Bethany Martin says:

    This is hilarious

  2. Bethany Martin says:

    This is hilarious and I absolutely love reading it

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