Fuck You, Cheating Bastards.

If I have to hear about one more of my friends having their lives turned upside down by a cheating man I will scream. It’s just so fucking predictable I want to cry. One epic douche with a head that looks remarkably like the end of a penis, lied about winning a work trip and…

Fuck You, Cuntry Road Fat Pants.

Oh man, Santa was good to me at Christmas time. He gave me 5 extra kilos of chub that I simply cannot get rid of. Yes, it was me that gorged on the mince pies, the pavlova, the 5 kilos of prawns, the champagne, the wine and ALL the beers. But why be so mean?…

Fuck You, mind numbingly boring Facebook feed.

Guys. I am strapped for time as I am moving house today, so I will make this a neat and concise rant. PEOPLE NEED TO LIFT THEIR FUCKING GAME ON THE MIND NUMBINGLY BORING FACEBOOK SHIT FEED. I know this whole blog relies on social media, which can be mostly ah-mazing and great and a…

Fuck You, small but insanely painful injuries.

It wouldn’t be Friday without some kind of drama to befall your friend Far Kew. But today I am wishing that I didn’t court disaster,  for I have spent the morning at the local Dr’s surgery having actual surgery on the worlds most embarrassing ailment. My injury? I had a dried up soba noodle lodged under…

Fuck You, Daily Mail.

2016 has been a rough ride for many. As I reflect on my year and think about what I want 2017 to be, one thing comes to mind. Walk my talk. I also want to stretch myself and my mind, and not just let things happen to me. I wish to be more present in my decision…

Fuck You, Christmas Shopping.

Oh my god. Where to fucking start. I know, Christmas shopping can suck the world’s biggest bag of dicks until it chokes on the dicks and dies a horrible death. THE END Just kidding, there is so much more to share! Because I am such a disorganised person and because I have two very small…

Fuck You, Elf on the Shelf.

When my first Womb Raider was born just over 4 years ago, this Elf on the Shelf phenomenon was really taking off here in Australia. You know what they are: these little stuffed toy Scout Elves that come with a book explaining how they are spies for Santa, sent to keep a watch over your little…

Bye Felicia.

Good god I’ve done it again. Somehow offended some people by posting a photo of an embroidered ovary dress. Shit. 8 months down the track we still manage to pick up a few people that can take offence to the written word of Far Kew. And I just don’t get it, perhaps I never will. My Facebook…

What’s in a name?

So you crazy cats know I am currently house hunting for a Chateau befitting the family of Far Kew, The Husband and our little Farkers. It sucks a large amount of bum. If I had a couple of mill I’d be laughing all the way to my beachside Palais de Kew. But alas, the funds do…

Fuck You, Real Estate Ads.

I’m house hunting again, but this time for something to buy.  And unfortunately because of the crazy marketplace here in Australia, I am searching for the “renovators dream” due to the funds that will not allow the Taj FarKew just yet. How is one meant to get excited about finding a dump that is at your…

Fuck You, Donald Trump. 5 Reasons Why The World is Doomed.

Well. SHIT. It happened.  America spoke and they chose Donald Trump as the next President of the United States of America. While we all shake our heads in disbelief, I am sitting here at my dining table listening to a news reporter say the words “Reality TV Star Donald Trump has been elected President of…

Fuck You 46.9% of America

WHO’S TO BLAME FOR TRUMP? A QUESTION FOR THE GOOD PEOPLE OF AMERICA. Right now, amid the clamour of young liberals, armchair intellectuals and passive conservatives all vocally losing their collective minds over the advent of President Trump, I suppose an Aussie making any point about the monumental farce that was the 2016 US election is an exercise in futility….

Fuck You, Fitting Rooms.

What is it about fitting rooms that turns your reflection into a monster? The lights? The mirrors? Both? I fucking hate them. And those 3 way mirrors? They can fuck off the most. Nobody wants to see their dimpled arse clinging on for dear life in a pair of ill fitting pants. The lights are…

Fuck You, Code Brown.

I wondered if I would be able to write this week, because I am currently holidaying in a stunning resort in the Mamanuca group of islands, Fiji. There has been equal mix of smugness in the fact that I managed to book this without a single post on a mother’s group Facebook page, and also…

Fuck You, Google.

Everyone keeps telling me I should monetise this blog. EVERYONE. “Yeah, yeah” I tell them, “I didn’t get myself into this for the cash”. I hardly have enough time to write my rants, let alone enter the realm of trying to make money out of my weird and unexpected little hobby. But since I get…

Jackets without arms in them. Why this shit trend must die.

The world is abuzz with Fashion Week happening in some of the coolest cities on earth. The lights! The Glamour! The air kisses! Mostly, I’m left cold with this kind of thing. I have zero time to keep up to date with the hot looks and the not looks. I do the sniff test and claim…

Fuck You, Marriage Inequality.

I am sick of waiting for marriage equality. I am tired of hearing about this stupid plebiscite and l want a Prime Minister who can lead with big brass balls (or a golden vagina) to allow a free vote in parliament. Australia is the only first world English speaking country that does not have marriage…

Fuck You, Writers Block.

                          THE END Photo inspo/credit from http://theoatmeal.com/comics/making_things

Fuck You, Flat Pack.

Now that we’ve moved out of the rat hole, I had to buy a few small pieces of furniture to spruce up the new place. One of them was a little storage cabinet for each of the Womb Raiders bedrooms. Take a look…. Cute hey? Well these on-trend little purchases have been a fucking nightmare from…

Fuck You, Father’s Day.

Fuck You, Mother’s Day back in May, was me venting my frustration at the utter shite that was marketed towards us for this special Hallmark Holiday. Well folks, I’m sorry to tell you that it doesn’t get any fucking better for Father’s Day. In fact, I dare say it is worse. Much, much, worse. Let’s check out the…

Fuck You, Anti Vaxxers.

This has been a long time coming. I’m always nice when it comes to the anti science brigade because I figure being dismissive isn’t that helpful. But it’s Friday, and in the spirit of Fuck You Friday, and in light of some of the most scoff worthy rhetoric surfacing from the lunatic fringe deep in…

What Then, If We’re Not Beautiful?

Over the last couple of years I’ve noticed things have taken a downward slide in the looks department. Parts of me I just assumed were there for the long haul now look a little….different. I want to say worse, but that just makes me feel bad. What’s the point in that? Who says these parts…

5 Reasons Why I Think Kim Kardashian is Dangerous

Ah, Kim Kardashian. Famous for being famous. Love her or hate her, the world has never seen a celebrity this huge and I am not just referring to her generous man-made posterior. I have some major beef with the internets biggest star (over 79,000,000 google results, and that’s just the articles). Would I give two…

Fuck You, Saggy Boobs.

Once upon a time there were two glorious boobies who sat proudly atop my chest, pushing their flawless faces towards the sun.  Many marvelled at their bountiful size, shapely form and curious nature, all three of us revelling in the frequent compliments. We were happy. Life was good. Sadly, over time, these two gorgeous creatures named…

Fuck You, Slow Walkers.

Dear Slow Walkers I love that you like family time and feel the need to spread your entire clan six-across blocking my path. I love that you like chatting to your old school friend who you haven’t seen for ages at the top of the escalator whilst people pour off to the side of you….

WTF Wednesday 10th August

Things that made me chortle this week.   WARNING: DO NOT WATCH AT WORK. Someone made a Porn Parody starring Dikachu in Strokémon. Stroké balls anyone?  THE END

Fuck You, Gastro.

Gastro is like the worst relationship you have ever had. One that you should never have gotten into in the first place, but did so against your better judgement (and the pleading of your friends and family). It starts out fairly innocently. You get this niggling feeling in your belly that something isn’t right. You…

Fuck You, Pokémon Go.

I wanted to hate this. There was a certain amount of validation in my refusal to download the game that millions of people were going nuts for in the space of a few days.  I scoffed as my friend showed her Pokédex to the burger shop to get us a discount. I even posted this meme below, to…

Fuck You, Smells of Parenthood.

Man I love my kids. I would die for them without a second thought. But far out, being a mum is tainted with some pretty fucked up fragrances isn’t it? My three year old proudly told me this morning that her bed smelled like wee. When I questioned her about it she said “If you…

Far Kew Haters, Part 2. With Pete’s Perineum Steam.

It happened again! I’ve upset some people and they’ve had a crack at poor old Far Kew. The reason? I made a joke about Pete Evans and his bountiful chest wig. I’m a bad, bad, bad girl. In an activated almond shell, here is what went down. Paleo Petey caused a bit of friction with some…

Fuck You, Yo Gabba Gabba.

Play Along With Sam on Foxtel is a pretty safe bet in my house where my kids and their TV consumption is concerned. Sometimes I even *gasp* leave the room and let the big square babysitter do it’s wonderful thang. But today I stuck around for a bit longer than usual and ended up watching a…

Fuck You, Travelling With Kids.

I go back and forth between Sydney and Melbourne fairly often. Sometimes I get lucky and I don’t bring my kids, other times I bring them with me as we miss the fam. Because you all know how much I love Tiger Airways and their cheap deals, I usually suck up the terrible service and…

Duck You, Auto Correct.

Auto Correct, this thing is the bane of my ducking life. I rely on the word DUCK to write my blog and if I am writing on my phone then every fuck turns into duck! What the DUCK! It’s bad for business. The other night I was cooking racists for dinner. I mean tacos. TACOS!!…

Fuck You, House Hunting. 

As many of you know, I’ve been given the arse from my rental property in Melbourne and we need to evacuate Chateau Far Kew. Bum. With two dogs, two kids and a husband to ship off to pastures new, it’s no easy feat. But before any of that relocation bullshit begins, we need to find…

Fuck You, Costco.

This morning, once I shipped the kids off to daycare, I went to the bathroom where I knew I would have some uninterrupted toilet time and a shower. But my plans unravelled as I realised after the fact that we had run out of toilet paper. And not just down a roll in the bathroom,…

Fuck You, Indoor Play Centres.

I’m at the stage now where one of my kids is old enough to have proper friends and invitations to birthday parties are starting to happen. We were pretty pumped to be invited to a 4 year old friend’s birthday party last weekend at a nearby indoor play centre. It’s exciting times because I know…

Fuck (Looks like a Lady).

I had an epiphany this month. And I didn’t even have to google how to spell epiphany, which is how I know this shit is for real. And the epiphany wasn’t that I could spell either. It was something much more serious . It could have been because my 38th Birthday is approaching, or it…

Fuck You, Chicken Skin Handbag.

Fuck You, Chicken Skin Handbag. When my second womb raider was born I was delighted to find out I had a little boy. The midwife pulled him out (with some help from The Husband) and spread his little legs right over my face so I could see what flavour we got. So the first view…

How To Make Bento Boxes

I stepped into the shallow mind of North Shore Steamer, Genevieve Twat-Waffle-Smythe this week. The purpose was to find out how the hell some mums can make this shit for their kids lunches, instead of the sandwiches that have been sustaining children for generations. THE END Liked it? Then like the page using the big…

Fuck You, Bad Parkers.

I simply cannot deal with those who can’t park to save themselves. The Westfield’s of Australia have saved me some pain by installing those clever little lights over the parking spaces, but the people that can’t get their shit together enough to get into one without doing a 75 point turn are making me get my crazy face…