Jackets without arms in them. Why this shit trend must die.

The world is abuzz with Fashion Week happening in some of the coolest cities on earth. The lights! The Glamour! The air kisses! Mostly, I’m left cold with this kind of thing. I have zero time to keep up to date with the hot looks and the not looks. I do the sniff test and claim…

Fuck You, Marriage Inequality.

I am sick of waiting for marriage equality. I am tired of hearing about this stupid plebiscite and l want a Prime Minister who can lead with big brass balls (or a golden vagina) to allow a free vote in parliament. Australia is the only first world English speaking country that does not have marriage…

Fuck You, Writers Block.

                          THE END Photo inspo/credit from http://theoatmeal.com/comics/making_things

Fuck You, Flat Pack.

Now that we’ve moved out of the rat hole, I had to buy a few small pieces of furniture to spruce up the new place. One of them was a little storage cabinet for each of the Womb Raiders bedrooms. Take a look…. Cute hey? Well these on-trend little purchases have been a fucking nightmare from…

Fuck You, Father’s Day.

Fuck You, Mother’s Day back in May, was me venting my frustration at the utter shite that was marketed towards us for this special Hallmark Holiday. Well folks, I’m sorry to tell you that it doesn’t get any fucking better for Father’s Day. In fact, I dare say it is worse. Much, much, worse. Let’s check out the…

Fuck You, Anti Vaxxers.

This has been a long time coming. I’m always nice when it comes to the anti science brigade because I figure being dismissive isn’t that helpful. But it’s Friday, and in the spirit of Fuck You Friday, and in light of some of the most scoff worthy rhetoric surfacing from the lunatic fringe deep in…

What Then, If We’re Not Beautiful?

Over the last couple of years I’ve noticed things have taken a downward slide in the looks department. Parts of me I just assumed were there for the long haul now look a little….different. I want to say worse, but that just makes me feel bad. What’s the point in that? Who says these parts…

5 Reasons Why I Think Kim Kardashian is Dangerous

Ah, Kim Kardashian. Famous for being famous. Love her or hate her, the world has never seen a celebrity this huge and I am not just referring to her generous man-made posterior. I have some major beef with the internets biggest star (over 79,000,000 google results, and that’s just the articles). Would I give two…

Fuck You, Saggy Boobs.

Once upon a time there were two glorious boobies who sat proudly atop my chest, pushing their flawless faces towards the sun.  Many marvelled at their bountiful size, shapely form and curious nature, all three of us revelling in the frequent compliments. We were happy. Life was good. Sadly, over time, these two gorgeous creatures named…

Fuck You, Slow Walkers.

Dear Slow Walkers I love that you like family time and feel the need to spread your entire clan six-across blocking my path. I love that you like chatting to your old school friend who you haven’t seen for ages at the top of the escalator whilst people pour off to the side of you….

WTF Wednesday 10th August

Things that made me chortle this week.   WARNING: DO NOT WATCH AT WORK. Someone made a Porn Parody starring Dikachu in Strokémon. Stroké balls anyone?  THE END

Fuck You, Gastro.

Gastro is like the worst relationship you have ever had. One that you should never have gotten into in the first place, but did so against your better judgement (and the pleading of your friends and family). It starts out fairly innocently. You get this niggling feeling in your belly that something isn’t right. You…

Fuck You, Pokémon Go.

I wanted to hate this. There was a certain amount of validation in my refusal to download the game that millions of people were going nuts for in the space of a few days.  I scoffed as my friend showed her Pokédex to the burger shop to get us a discount. I even posted this meme below, to…

Fuck You, Smells of Parenthood.

Man I love my kids. I would die for them without a second thought. But far out, being a mum is tainted with some pretty fucked up fragrances isn’t it? My three year old proudly told me this morning that her bed smelled like wee. When I questioned her about it she said “If you…

Far Kew Haters, Part 2. With Pete’s Perineum Steam.

It happened again! I’ve upset some people and they’ve had a crack at poor old Far Kew. The reason? I made a joke about Pete Evans and his bountiful chest wig. I’m a bad, bad, bad girl. In an activated almond shell, here is what went down. Paleo Petey caused a bit of friction with some…

Fuck You, Yo Gabba Gabba.

Play Along With Sam on Foxtel is a pretty safe bet in my house where my kids and their TV consumption is concerned. Sometimes I even *gasp* leave the room and let the big square babysitter do it’s wonderful thang. But today I stuck around for a bit longer than usual and ended up watching a…

Fuck You, Travelling With Kids.

I go back and forth between Sydney and Melbourne fairly often. Sometimes I get lucky and I don’t bring my kids, other times I bring them with me as we miss the fam. Because you all know how much I love Tiger Airways and their cheap deals, I usually suck up the terrible service and…

Duck You, Auto Correct.

Auto Correct, this thing is the bane of my ducking life. I rely on the word DUCK to write my blog and if I am writing on my phone then every fuck turns into duck! What the DUCK! It’s bad for business. The other night I was cooking racists for dinner. I mean tacos. TACOS!!…

Fuck You, House Hunting. 

As many of you know, I’ve been given the arse from my rental property in Melbourne and we need to evacuate Chateau Far Kew. Bum. With two dogs, two kids and a husband to ship off to pastures new, it’s no easy feat. But before any of that relocation bullshit begins, we need to find…

Fuck You, Costco.

This morning, once I shipped the kids off to daycare, I went to the bathroom where I knew I would have some uninterrupted toilet time and a shower. But my plans unravelled as I realised after the fact that we had run out of toilet paper. And not just down a roll in the bathroom,…

Fuck You, Indoor Play Centres.

I’m at the stage now where one of my kids is old enough to have proper friends and invitations to birthday parties are starting to happen. We were pretty pumped to be invited to a 4 year old friend’s birthday party last weekend at a nearby indoor play centre. It’s exciting times because I know…

Fuck (Looks like a Lady).

I had an epiphany this month. And I didn’t even have to google how to spell epiphany, which is how I know this shit is for real. And the epiphany wasn’t that I could spell either. It was something much more serious . It could have been because my 38th Birthday is approaching, or it…

Fuck You, Chicken Skin Handbag.

Fuck You, Chicken Skin Handbag. When my second womb raider was born I was delighted to find out I had a little boy. The midwife pulled him out (with some help from The Husband) and spread his little legs right over my face so I could see what flavour we got. So the first view…

How To Make Bento Boxes

I stepped into the shallow mind of North Shore Steamer, Genevieve Twat-Waffle-Smythe this week. The purpose was to find out how the hell some mums can make this shit for their kids lunches, instead of the sandwiches that have been sustaining children for generations. THE END Liked it? Then like the page using the big…

Fuck You, Bad Parkers.

I simply cannot deal with those who can’t park to save themselves. The Westfield’s of Australia have saved me some pain by installing those clever little lights over the parking spaces, but the people that can’t get their shit together enough to get into one without doing a 75 point turn are making me get my crazy face…

Home Vagina Steaming

Today is special as we have reached another milestone, 11,000 members. So, as promised, I made a little video. I stepped into the shoes of a North Shore Vagina Steamer to see what it might be like to be them. You can view this incredibly low tech video on my new YouTube channel!   THE…

Far Kew, Haters.

The steamed vagina set were up in arms this weekend! They were none too impressed to be called out on the cobwebs and general unrest in the region of their fan-wah’s. My inbox has been pinging with the sounds of the disgruntled few that just don’t get the mission of Fuck You Friday. To be fair, it’s…

Fuck You, Expensive Mini Bar Items.

During my trip to Sydney this week, I hijacked The Husband’s hotel room at the Hilton, considering it a mini perk of having the night off from my kids. He was staying there on business and I took it upon myself to sleep there. It’s a nice hotel, one of Sydney’s best and seems to be…

Fuck You, Bitches At The Butcher’s Block.

This week I travelled up to Sydney from my arctic Melbourne home to visit the fam. It was tops! My kids were putting on a show during the entire trip, pretending to be sweet little angels. So I was in heaven parading them around as the human produce of my loins. I couldn’t believe my luck. Until…

Fuck You, Vagina Steaming Goop Sex.

Back in January, Gwyneth Paltrow gave a huge endorsement to the Tikkun Spa in LA on her blog goop. Their claim to fame? A Mugwort V-Steam treatment, which is basically a plush chair with a hole in it that you stick your hairy taco in to steam it. Yes. Steam your vagina. Gwyneth gushed “The…

Fuck You, Online Mother’s Groups.

I’ve been a shit stirrer since I was a little girl. I can’t help it. I like to have a laugh. As a kid I was kicked out of the classroom a lot. One time because I put thumb tacks on my most hated teachers chair. You see, his bum was so flat that legend had…

Fuck You, Mother’s Day.

I’ve got a mum and I am a mum. Which means I am going to be on the giving and receiving end during this Mother’s Day. During the week while I was at the mall (my favourite place on earth….KILL ME NOW) I was saddened at the lack of decent gifts available for purchase and kind…

Fuck You, Game of Thrones.

I’ve been hooked since the first episode of this unbelievably magnificent TV show. I have loyally stood by while all my favourite characters got slaughtered and the fate of the ones left seems cruelly predictable. But I keep watching. A lot has been said about the plot lines and evil mind of the show’s creator. Not enough…

Fuck You, Bitching Hour.

Bitching Hour. Not actually an hour, but roughly the time between 5-7pm when you’ve got kids to feed, bathe, dress and sedate so they will go the fuck to sleep. In my house this is when all the major league unpleasant shit goes down. Hair is pulled, limbs are bitten, food is thrown and toys are smashed. And that’s…

Fuck You, Humble Braggers.

Ah, the humble brag. One of the most annoying things on Facebook and all social media come to think of it. Nothing gets my back up more than someone who is unable to own their own apparent majesty and just fucking BRAG.

One of the things I miss most about the Facebook mums groups I’ve been kicked out of is the plethora of humble brags. Especially where cakes are concerned.

Fuck You, Depression.

I’m going to warn you now, there is nothing funny about this post. You might want to pass over this one if you are the skipping, clappy handy type (not that there is anything wrong with that, gimme some please). And I promise something much more fun than this is coming on Friday.
I’ve had some really interesting messages over the past few weeks. Everything from Trolls telling me I suck, “fan mail” *chortle* to Far Kew and heartfelt messages from friends and complete strangers thanking me for the laughs. I love it. Some of them have been quite personal ones, telling me my rants are the only light part of their week as they are suffering from depression. And those ones hit a bit of a nerve.

Far Kew is fine with life, she gets a bit ranty throughout the week, but stuff just rolls off her. Me? Not so much in tune with the rolling.

Fuck You, Telstra. Part 2.

I was pretty shitty to receive my Telstra bill this month seeing as I wasn’t able to use the service for a good few days during the last billing period. I had issues with the Telstra network going down like millions of others, and I also had issues with my home internet connection going down for…

Fuck You, Tiger Air.

I often need to take a quick trip up to Sydney for work purposes and usually the cheapest flights are with Tiger Air. They are relatively new to the scene, but legit enough that I will fly them and not worry about plummeting out of the sky in a fiery wreck.

Until this week.

My alarm went off at the unwelcome but not obscene time of 6am and I had a quick splash and kissed my kids goodbye. I had a dream run to the airport, arriving 1.5 hours before my flight was due to leave, which is unheard of for me as I am nearly always scrambling in there looking like a not-so-hot mess right at the last minute.

Fuck You, Johnny Depp.

So many people asked me what my opinion of this gut wrenchingly awful video was that I could no longer stay silent.

You will no doubt have seen or at least heard about the apology video that Johnny Depp and his wife Amber Heard were forced to give yesterday as part of the punishment for smuggling their dogs Pistol and Boo undeclared into Australia last year.

Fuck You, Shopping Centre Rides.

Y’all know I hate to go shopping. It’s where the most insufferable fools like to hang out, seemingly just to give me the fucking shits.

If I want to make a place in a fiery hell-like situation seem preferable to living, I take my kids to the local shopping center and combine two of my most hated tasks. Shopping. And shopping with my children.

My local hell-hole, I mean mall, is your typical run-of-the-mill centre with the usual suspects available like Coles, Woolies, Target, JB Hi-Fi and a food court. But you cannot enter this place without finding those fucking vending machines selling life-threatening confectionery, cheap plastic trinkets or choke hazard bouncing balls. Or it could be those machines with the claw which I am certain they wax up so you never fucking win.

If you can get past those without your kids having an epic meltdown and almost dislocating your arm from pulling, you will be met in about 5 steps by one of those merry-go-round kiddie rides. Cue another epic meltdown if you do not let them at least sit on it for a couple of minutes. They have flashing lights, friendly paint-jobs and are super fucking appealing to kids.

I’ve spat out the same sad old lines time and time again “Sorry, mummy has run out of money.” “This one is broken.” “No, we don’t put money in these it’s a waste.” My kids are usually happy to sit on it and pretend for a few minutes while I muster up the strength to keep going.

Once they get their fill of the Wiggles’ Big Red Car or the Thomas The Tank Engine ride, we press on. But little more than 8 fucking steps later and there’s another one! YIPPPEEEEE.

I want to choke myself.