Fanny, Gash, Muff, Beaver, Bat Cave, Vajayjay, Beef Curtains, Badly Packed Kebab, Pussy, Snatch, Foo Foo, Front Bottom, Bearded Oyster. There are dozens of creative names for the humble vagina, which is enjoying an alarming resurgence in popularity as a place to jam foreign objects for no good reason. In simpler times, the vagina was a…
Fuck You, Amazing Crystal Garden.
I got this thing the other day that I thought my kids would LOVE. It is called “The Amazing Crystal Garden”. And it is anything but amazing. I’m always suspicious of things that claim to be amazing, as they are setting the bar really high. I wouldn’t say I am particularly picky either, but if…
Fuck You (again), Mother’s Day.
Oh god. It’s been a year since I exposed the shithouse presents available for Mums around the world and plunged the sales of Peruvian Potato Farming fashion into the ground. Am I sorry? Fuck no. I consider this a community service. A cry for help to all the marketers and product buyers who just need…
A letter from Far Kew to you.
Ever since I started this blog I have been asked if I consider myself a writer, and the answer is always no. I don’t get paid for it, I never did any training for it and I didn’t set out with an intention of having thousands (over 30,000 of you now) of people reading what…
Fuck You, Toilet Training.
I have been a mother for 1682 days. I have changed countless nappies, fully toilet trained one kid and am just about done with the other one. The end is in sight! But I’ve still got a way to go. I still have to to be greeted with the vertical brown smile when they “touch…
Fuck You, Good Friday.
Does Good Friday always turn out to be good? Or does it just feel that way because the Thursday before Good Friday is over? Yesterday I had to go to the shops to get milk and that stupid Poopin’ Pup toy from the Easter Bunny because I am a damn fool. I’d lost track of…
Fuck You, Poopin’ Pup.
My oldest Womb Raider who is now 4 had the biggest meltdown I have ever seen the other day. I actually thought I might have to call an ambulance, that’s how fucking nuts she went. It started off pretty innocently. She’s been seeing these ads for something called “Poopin’ Pup” which is a toy dog…
The End. For Now.
I had a bit of a weird night last night. I don’t know if it’s the no sleep thing or if it’s just a natural progression. But I just decided I do not want to do this anymore. The internet is a weird place, full of twists and turns and not all of them are…
Fuck You, Flat Sheets.
You all know I am having some issues with my sleeping. Well if you didn’t, you do now. It sucks a large amount of balls to try and smash life when you haven’t slept and I’m slowly going out of my mind. I’ve been here before and was saved by a book which I’ve mentioned…
Fuck You, Fat Shamers.
When I was little my Mum always used to tell me that “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”. Sorry Mum, but that’s a flaming pile of horse shit. I hear things like ‘eat another burger you fat cunt’ quite regularly. Being an unapologetic plus sized woman with multicoloured…
Fuck You, Breastfeeding Shamers.
A year ago a friend posted on her Facebook page about a terrible experience on a plane where she was trying to breastfeed her 9 week old son. I remember feeling so angry for her, and grateful in a way that I had never had to endure the disapproving gaze of some arse bandit wearing…
Fuck You, THE END.
There have been a few anniversaries for me recently, but today marks 1 year since one of my most notorious pieces went a little bit cray cray. Through a misunderstanding or “Facebook glitch” as it’s often called, I was booted out of an online mothers group and Far Kew was born. Was started out as…
Fuck You, Bad Photos.
In the selfie age it’s hard to escape the fact that everyone holding a phone is holding a camera. The urge to whip it out at every opportunity and document your life is powerful. You watch your friends lives unfold on Facebook and Instagram and everything looks so god darned perfect. Or does it? With…
Happy Fucking Birthday.
12 months ago today I registered www.fuckyoufriday.com.au and decided I was going to write my rants every Friday. With the exception of one or two weeks when life got in the way, I’ve stayed true to my word. I hope over the last year I have given you all a place to have a laugh and…
Fuck You, Cheating Bastards.
If I have to hear about one more of my friends having their lives turned upside down by a cheating man I will scream. It’s just so fucking predictable I want to cry. One epic douche with a head that looks remarkably like the end of a penis, lied about winning a work trip and…
Fuck You, Cuntry Road Fat Pants.
Oh man, Santa was good to me at Christmas time. He gave me 5 extra kilos of chub that I simply cannot get rid of. Yes, it was me that gorged on the mince pies, the pavlova, the 5 kilos of prawns, the champagne, the wine and ALL the beers. But why be so mean?…
Fuck You, mind numbingly boring Facebook feed.
Guys. I am strapped for time as I am moving house today, so I will make this a neat and concise rant. PEOPLE NEED TO LIFT THEIR FUCKING GAME ON THE MIND NUMBINGLY BORING FACEBOOK SHIT FEED. I know this whole blog relies on social media, which can be mostly ah-mazing and great and a…
Fuck You, small but insanely painful injuries.
It wouldn’t be Friday without some kind of drama to befall your friend Far Kew. But today I am wishing that I didn’t court disaster, for I have spent the morning at the local Dr’s surgery having actual surgery on the worlds most embarrassing ailment. My injury? I had a dried up soba noodle lodged under…
Fuck You, Daily Mail.
2016 has been a rough ride for many. As I reflect on my year and think about what I want 2017 to be, one thing comes to mind. Walk my talk. I also want to stretch myself and my mind, and not just let things happen to me. I wish to be more present in my decision…
Fuck You, Christmas Shopping.
Oh my god. Where to fucking start. I know, Christmas shopping can suck the world’s biggest bag of dicks until it chokes on the dicks and dies a horrible death. THE END Just kidding, there is so much more to share! Because I am such a disorganised person and because I have two very small…
Fuck You, Elf on the Shelf.
When my first Womb Raider was born just over 4 years ago, this Elf on the Shelf phenomenon was really taking off here in Australia. You know what they are: these little stuffed toy Scout Elves that come with a book explaining how they are spies for Santa, sent to keep a watch over your little…
Bye Felicia.
Good god I’ve done it again. Somehow offended some people by posting a photo of an embroidered ovary dress. Shit. 8 months down the track we still manage to pick up a few people that can take offence to the written word of Far Kew. And I just don’t get it, perhaps I never will. My Facebook…
What’s in a name?
So you crazy cats know I am currently house hunting for a Chateau befitting the family of Far Kew, The Husband and our little Farkers. It sucks a large amount of bum. If I had a couple of mill I’d be laughing all the way to my beachside Palais de Kew. But alas, the funds do…
Fuck You, Real Estate Ads.
I’m house hunting again, but this time for something to buy. And unfortunately because of the crazy marketplace here in Australia, I am searching for the “renovators dream” due to the funds that will not allow the Taj FarKew just yet. How is one meant to get excited about finding a dump that is at your…
Fuck You, Donald Trump. 5 Reasons Why The World is Doomed.
Well. SHIT. It happened. America spoke and they chose Donald Trump as the next President of the United States of America. While we all shake our heads in disbelief, I am sitting here at my dining table listening to a news reporter say the words “Reality TV Star Donald Trump has been elected President of…
Fuck You 46.9% of America
WHO’S TO BLAME FOR TRUMP? A QUESTION FOR THE GOOD PEOPLE OF AMERICA. Right now, amid the clamour of young liberals, armchair intellectuals and passive conservatives all vocally losing their collective minds over the advent of President Trump, I suppose an Aussie making any point about the monumental farce that was the 2016 US election is an exercise in futility….
Fuck You, Fitting Rooms.
What is it about fitting rooms that turns your reflection into a monster? The lights? The mirrors? Both? I fucking hate them. And those 3 way mirrors? They can fuck off the most. Nobody wants to see their dimpled arse clinging on for dear life in a pair of ill fitting pants. The lights are…
Fuck You, Code Brown.
I wondered if I would be able to write this week, because I am currently holidaying in a stunning resort in the Mamanuca group of islands, Fiji. There has been equal mix of smugness in the fact that I managed to book this without a single post on a mother’s group Facebook page, and also…
Fuck You, Google.
Everyone keeps telling me I should monetise this blog. EVERYONE. “Yeah, yeah” I tell them, “I didn’t get myself into this for the cash”. I hardly have enough time to write my rants, let alone enter the realm of trying to make money out of my weird and unexpected little hobby. But since I get…
Jackets without arms in them. Why this shit trend must die.
The world is abuzz with Fashion Week happening in some of the coolest cities on earth. The lights! The Glamour! The air kisses! Mostly, I’m left cold with this kind of thing. I have zero time to keep up to date with the hot looks and the not looks. I do the sniff test and claim…
Fuck You, Marriage Inequality.
I am sick of waiting for marriage equality. I am tired of hearing about this stupid plebiscite and l want a Prime Minister who can lead with big brass balls (or a golden vagina) to allow a free vote in parliament. Australia is the only first world English speaking country that does not have marriage…
Fuck You, Writers Block.
THE END Photo inspo/credit from http://theoatmeal.com/comics/making_things
Fuck You, Flat Pack.
Now that we’ve moved out of the rat hole, I had to buy a few small pieces of furniture to spruce up the new place. One of them was a little storage cabinet for each of the Womb Raiders bedrooms. Take a look…. Cute hey? Well these on-trend little purchases have been a fucking nightmare from…
Fuck You, Father’s Day.
Fuck You, Mother’s Day back in May, was me venting my frustration at the utter shite that was marketed towards us for this special Hallmark Holiday. Well folks, I’m sorry to tell you that it doesn’t get any fucking better for Father’s Day. In fact, I dare say it is worse. Much, much, worse. Let’s check out the…
Fuck You, Anti Vaxxers.
This has been a long time coming. I’m always nice when it comes to the anti science brigade because I figure being dismissive isn’t that helpful. But it’s Friday, and in the spirit of Fuck You Friday, and in light of some of the most scoff worthy rhetoric surfacing from the lunatic fringe deep in…
What Then, If We’re Not Beautiful?
Over the last couple of years I’ve noticed things have taken a downward slide in the looks department. Parts of me I just assumed were there for the long haul now look a little….different. I want to say worse, but that just makes me feel bad. What’s the point in that? Who says these parts…
5 Reasons Why I Think Kim Kardashian is Dangerous
Ah, Kim Kardashian. Famous for being famous. Love her or hate her, the world has never seen a celebrity this huge and I am not just referring to her generous man-made posterior. I have some major beef with the internets biggest star (over 79,000,000 google results, and that’s just the articles). Would I give two…
Fuck You, Saggy Boobs.
Once upon a time there were two glorious boobies who sat proudly atop my chest, pushing their flawless faces towards the sun. Many marvelled at their bountiful size, shapely form and curious nature, all three of us revelling in the frequent compliments. We were happy. Life was good. Sadly, over time, these two gorgeous creatures named…
Fuck You, Slow Walkers.
Dear Slow Walkers I love that you like family time and feel the need to spread your entire clan six-across blocking my path. I love that you like chatting to your old school friend who you haven’t seen for ages at the top of the escalator whilst people pour off to the side of you….
WTF Wednesday 10th August
Things that made me chortle this week. WARNING: DO NOT WATCH AT WORK. Someone made a Porn Parody starring Dikachu in Strokémon. Stroké balls anyone? THE END