Oh man, Santa was good to me at Christmas time. He gave me 5 extra kilos of chub that I simply cannot get rid of. Yes, it was me that gorged on the mince pies, the pavlova, the 5 kilos of prawns, the champagne, the wine and ALL the beers. But why be so mean?
Consequently, I’ve been hiding out in all things elasticated as my jeans don’t fit unless I can stomach (see what I did there?) the epic gunt and scare the locals with my offensive camel toe.
One pair of pants I have in my depressing repertoire are the Cuntry Road fat pants that make me look pregnant. You know the ones, they are currently up for auction on eBay and already fetching $7. Cuntry Road is basically the grown up, more expensive version of Seed, popular with North Shore Vagina Steamers™ and those who like themselves a bit of Cashmere and plenty of muted tones. But they do occasionally have something pretty nice, so I pop in there once in a blue moon.
On one such occasion I thought I scored big with a pair of army green cargo pants for $20. I snatched them off the rack faster than you can say “Gwyneth Paltrow has a super clean uterus” (ok, not that fast) and made out like a bandit.
I put them on at home. From the front they didn’t look too bad.
But from the back it’s a whole other level. This look is fine if you are 70 and nobody has been lusting after your ass since 1975.
This is how high I have to pull these fuckers up to avoid looking like I’ve shit myself.
Or if I am fine with the pants full of poo look, then I can go right ahead and pull them down low.
Then there is the real problem. The elasticised waist combined with the drawstring cord making me look like I’m expecting.
So. These pants have to go because they make me look awful.
FUCK YOU CUNTRY ROAD FAT PANTS!!
Fuck you for seducing me with your cotton/linen blend and attractive $20 price tag. I knew there was a reason I always say you put the Cunt back into Cuntry and now you’ve proved it. You can keep your cashmere and your muted tones and your “Last of the bestsellers” rack (seriously, if it is still there it aint a best seller is it?). After this epic fail I don’t even think I can face coming in for my standard winter staple of a black cardigan. Will I be forced to go into Seed sans silver sneakers and admit defeat? What does this say about me?
Fuck You for making me feel shit about myself when I am already really vulnerable from my Christmas bingeing. And fuck your stupid drop crotch that makes me not look like Gwen Stefani in cargo gear.
Stick to your steamer wear and don’t try and make anything cool. OK?
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