Fuck You, Toilet Training.

I have been a mother for 1682 days. I have changed countless nappies, fully toilet trained one kid and am just about done with the other one. The end is in sight! But I’ve still got a way to go. I still have to to be greeted with the vertical brown smile when they “touch…

Fuck You, Poopin’ Pup.

My oldest Womb Raider who is now 4 had the biggest meltdown I have ever seen the other day. I actually thought I might have to call an ambulance, that’s how fucking nuts she went. It started off pretty innocently. She’s been seeing these ads for something called “Poopin’ Pup” which is a toy dog…

Fuck You, THE END.

There have been a few anniversaries for me recently, but today marks 1 year since one of my most notorious pieces went a little bit cray cray. Through a misunderstanding or “Facebook glitch” as it’s often called, I was booted out of an online mothers group and Far Kew was born. Was started out as…

Fuck You, Bad Photos.

In the selfie age it’s hard to escape the fact that everyone holding a phone is holding a camera. The urge to whip it out at every opportunity and document your life is powerful. You watch your friends lives unfold on Facebook and Instagram and everything looks so god darned perfect. Or does it? With…

Fuck You, Cuntry Road Fat Pants.

Oh man, Santa was good to me at Christmas time. He gave me 5 extra kilos of chub that I simply cannot get rid of. Yes, it was me that gorged on the mince pies, the pavlova, the 5 kilos of prawns, the champagne, the wine and ALL the beers. But why be so mean?…

Fuck You, small but insanely painful injuries.

It wouldn’t be Friday without some kind of drama to befall your friend Far Kew. But today I am wishing that I didn’t court disaster,  for I have spent the morning at the local Dr’s surgery having actual surgery on the worlds most embarrassing ailment. My injury? I had a dried up soba noodle lodged under…

Fuck You, Christmas Shopping.

Oh my god. Where to fucking start. I know, Christmas shopping can suck the world’s biggest bag of dicks until it chokes on the dicks and dies a horrible death. THE END Just kidding, there is so much more to share! Because I am such a disorganised person and because I have two very small…

Fuck You, Elf on the Shelf.

When my first Womb Raider was born just over 4 years ago, this Elf on the Shelf phenomenon was really taking off here in Australia. You know what they are: these little stuffed toy Scout Elves that come with a book explaining how they are spies for Santa, sent to keep a watch over your little…

Fuck You, Real Estate Ads.

I’m house hunting again, but this time for something to buy.  And unfortunately because of the crazy marketplace here in Australia, I am searching for the “renovators dream” due to the funds that will not allow the Taj FarKew just yet. How is one meant to get excited about finding a dump that is at your…

Fuck You, Saggy Boobs.

Once upon a time there were two glorious boobies who sat proudly atop my chest, pushing their flawless faces towards the sun.  Many marvelled at their bountiful size, shapely form and curious nature, all three of us revelling in the frequent compliments. We were happy. Life was good. Sadly, over time, these two gorgeous creatures named…

Fuck You, Slow Walkers.

Dear Slow Walkers I love that you like family time and feel the need to spread your entire clan six-across blocking my path. I love that you like chatting to your old school friend who you haven’t seen for ages at the top of the escalator whilst people pour off to the side of you….

Fuck You, Gastro.

Gastro is like the worst relationship you have ever had. One that you should never have gotten into in the first place, but did so against your better judgement (and the pleading of your friends and family). It starts out fairly innocently. You get this niggling feeling in your belly that something isn’t right. You…

Fuck You, Smells of Parenthood.

Man I love my kids. I would die for them without a second thought. But far out, being a mum is tainted with some pretty fucked up fragrances isn’t it? My three year old proudly told me this morning that her bed smelled like wee. When I questioned her about it she said “If you…

Fuck You, Travelling With Kids.

I go back and forth between Sydney and Melbourne fairly often. Sometimes I get lucky and I don’t bring my kids, other times I bring them with me as we miss the fam. Because you all know how much I love Tiger Airways and their cheap deals, I usually suck up the terrible service and…

Duck You, Auto Correct.

Auto Correct, this thing is the bane of my ducking life. I rely on the word DUCK to write my blog and if I am writing on my phone then every fuck turns into duck! What the DUCK! It’s bad for business. The other night I was cooking racists for dinner. I mean tacos. TACOS!!…

Fuck You, House Hunting. 

As many of you know, I’ve been given the arse from my rental property in Melbourne and we need to evacuate Chateau Far Kew. Bum. With two dogs, two kids and a husband to ship off to pastures new, it’s no easy feat. But before any of that relocation bullshit begins, we need to find…

Fuck You, Costco.

This morning, once I shipped the kids off to daycare, I went to the bathroom where I knew I would have some uninterrupted toilet time and a shower. But my plans unravelled as I realised after the fact that we had run out of toilet paper. And not just down a roll in the bathroom,…

Fuck You, Indoor Play Centres.

I’m at the stage now where one of my kids is old enough to have proper friends and invitations to birthday parties are starting to happen. We were pretty pumped to be invited to a 4 year old friend’s birthday party last weekend at a nearby indoor play centre. It’s exciting times because I know…

Fuck You, Chicken Skin Handbag.

Fuck You, Chicken Skin Handbag. When my second womb raider was born I was delighted to find out I had a little boy. The midwife pulled him out (with some help from The Husband) and spread his little legs right over my face so I could see what flavour we got. So the first view…

Fuck You, Bad Parkers.

I simply cannot deal with those who can’t park to save themselves. The Westfield’s of Australia have saved me some pain by installing those clever little lights over the parking spaces, but the people that can’t get their shit together enough to get into one without doing a 75 point turn are making me get my crazy face…

FUCK YOU Himalayan Black Salt

Having not grown up in the Himalayan mountains, I am unfamiliar with salt mines.I grew up with the big white container of iodised cheap ass salt that everyone used to have. But I just KNOW Himalayan pink rock salt is great stuff because it’s everywhere now and it’s totes fancy. I never bothered to find…