I can never predict what is going to part the waters here at Fuck You Friday. Just when I think we are all one big happy family, I break out something that pisses some people who I have never heard of before right off. So I thought I would go back to what I do best, and that is talk about weird shit people do to their vaginas. Oh, hang on….
Mum cracked me up yesterday. She rang for a chat and then said she had to ask me something “private”. She said she was going for a pap test and wanted to know where to buy a glitter capsule from. OH HOW I LARFED.
Then this morning I got a photo from a reader which gave me a little bit of a giggle. Snapped while on holiday in Bali.
So I googled (as you do) what “Ratus Special Vagina” meant. And then I found this.
It’s a day spa for your fanny at the Blue Karma Resort in Bali, which is not unlike the famous Gwyneth V-Steam at the Tikkun Spa in LA. Except this time, it’s with smoke.
The very first line had me horrified. Every woman suffers from intimate infections and experiences foul feminine odours, especially after menstruation. These infections may become fatal if not attended to frequently. Vaginal hygiene is extremely important.
Jesus. If you are frequently in trouble downstairs enough for it to become fatal, I am not sure a vajacial is really the right thing to be doing.
First, they give you a massage so you “loosen up”. Then someone cleans your vag. Some completely random Indonesian chick that you’ve never met before. Sounds comfortable.
After this, “your intimate parts are cleaned gently. The therapist now puts some small herbal balls into the outermost folds of the skin. These balls resemble the seeds of a papaya and Miss ‘V’, after being stimulated, looks exactly like a ripe papaya!”
YIPPEE!!!!!! A bit of minge cake decorating. Well, I never! That’s got to a be a new one for Pinterest.
Next comes the fun part. After you’ve been fiddled with by a complete stranger and your bits look like a fruit salad that nobody wants to eat, you sit on a chair and your toothless grin gets a good smoking. Apparently, it’s quite full-on so you might need to take several breaks while your beef curtains slowly turn into fanny biltong.
All this for the bargain price of AU $20. I’m amazed.
Have you tried this? Tell me everything.