Fuck You, Pokémon Go.

I wanted to hate this. There was a certain amount of validation in my refusal to download the game that millions of people were going nuts for in the space of a few days.  I scoffed as my friend showed her Pokédex to the burger shop to get us a discount. I even posted this meme below, to…

Fuck You, Smells of Parenthood.

Man I love my kids. I would die for them without a second thought. But far out, being a mum is tainted with some pretty fucked up fragrances isn’t it? My three year old proudly told me this morning that her bed smelled like wee. When I questioned her about it she said “If you…

Far Kew Haters, Part 2. With Pete’s Perineum Steam.

It happened again! I’ve upset some people and they’ve had a crack at poor old Far Kew. The reason? I made a joke about Pete Evans and his bountiful chest wig. I’m a bad, bad, bad girl. In an activated almond shell, here is what went down. Paleo Petey caused a bit of friction with some…

Fuck You, Yo Gabba Gabba.

Play Along With Sam on Foxtel is a pretty safe bet in my house where my kids and their TV consumption is concerned. Sometimes I even *gasp* leave the room and let the big square babysitter do it’s wonderful thang. But today I stuck around for a bit longer than usual and ended up watching a…

Fuck You, Travelling With Kids.

I go back and forth between Sydney and Melbourne fairly often. Sometimes I get lucky and I don’t bring my kids, other times I bring them with me as we miss the fam. Because you all know how much I love Tiger Airways and their cheap deals, I usually suck up the terrible service and…

Duck You, Auto Correct.

Auto Correct, this thing is the bane of my ducking life. I rely on the word DUCK to write my blog and if I am writing on my phone then every fuck turns into duck! What the DUCK! It’s bad for business. The other night I was cooking racists for dinner. I mean tacos. TACOS!!…

Fuck You, House Hunting. 

As many of you know, I’ve been given the arse from my rental property in Melbourne and we need to evacuate Chateau Far Kew. Bum. With two dogs, two kids and a husband to ship off to pastures new, it’s no easy feat. But before any of that relocation bullshit begins, we need to find…

Fuck You, Costco.

This morning, once I shipped the kids off to daycare, I went to the bathroom where I knew I would have some uninterrupted toilet time and a shower. But my plans unravelled as I realised after the fact that we had run out of toilet paper. And not just down a roll in the bathroom,…

Fuck You, Indoor Play Centres.

I’m at the stage now where one of my kids is old enough to have proper friends and invitations to birthday parties are starting to happen. We were pretty pumped to be invited to a 4 year old friend’s birthday party last weekend at a nearby indoor play centre. It’s exciting times because I know…

Fuck (Looks like a Lady).

I had an epiphany this month. And I didn’t even have to google how to spell epiphany, which is how I know this shit is for real. And the epiphany wasn’t that I could spell either. It was something much more serious . It could have been because my 38th Birthday is approaching, or it…

Fuck You, Chicken Skin Handbag.

Fuck You, Chicken Skin Handbag. When my second womb raider was born I was delighted to find out I had a little boy. The midwife pulled him out (with some help from The Husband) and spread his little legs right over my face so I could see what flavour we got. So the first view…

How To Make Bento Boxes

I stepped into the shallow mind of North Shore Steamer, Genevieve Twat-Waffle-Smythe this week. The purpose was to find out how the hell some mums can make this shit for their kids lunches, instead of the sandwiches that have been sustaining children for generations. THE END Liked it? Then like the page using the big…

Fuck You, Bad Parkers.

I simply cannot deal with those who can’t park to save themselves. The Westfield’s of Australia have saved me some pain by installing those clever little lights over the parking spaces, but the people that can’t get their shit together enough to get into one without doing a 75 point turn are making me get my crazy face…

Home Vagina Steaming

Today is special as we have reached another milestone, 11,000 members. So, as promised, I made a little video. I stepped into the shoes of a North Shore Vagina Steamer to see what it might be like to be them. You can view this incredibly low tech video on my new YouTube channel!   THE…

Far Kew, Haters.

The steamed vagina set were up in arms this weekend! They were none too impressed to be called out on the cobwebs and general unrest in the region of their fan-wah’s. My inbox has been pinging with the sounds of the disgruntled few that just don’t get the mission of Fuck You Friday. To be fair, it’s…

Fuck You, Expensive Mini Bar Items.

During my trip to Sydney this week, I hijacked The Husband’s hotel room at the Hilton, considering it a mini perk of having the night off from my kids. He was staying there on business and I took it upon myself to sleep there. It’s a nice hotel, one of Sydney’s best and seems to be…

Fuck You, Bitches At The Butcher’s Block.

This week I travelled up to Sydney from my arctic Melbourne home to visit the fam. It was tops! My kids were putting on a show during the entire trip, pretending to be sweet little angels. So I was in heaven parading them around as the human produce of my loins. I couldn’t believe my luck. Until…

Fuck You, Vagina Steaming Goop Sex.

Back in January, Gwyneth Paltrow gave a huge endorsement to the Tikkun Spa in LA on her blog goop. Their claim to fame? A Mugwort V-Steam treatment, which is basically a plush chair with a hole in it that you stick your hairy taco in to steam it. Yes. Steam your vagina. Gwyneth gushed “The…

Fuck You, Online Mother’s Groups.

I’ve been a shit stirrer since I was a little girl. I can’t help it. I like to have a laugh. As a kid I was kicked out of the classroom a lot. One time because I put thumb tacks on my most hated teachers chair. You see, his bum was so flat that legend had…

Fuck You, Mother’s Day.

I’ve got a mum and I am a mum. Which means I am going to be on the giving and receiving end during this Mother’s Day. This week while I was at the mall (my favourite place on earth….KILL ME NOW) I was saddened at the lack of decent gifts available for purchase and kind of…

Fuck You, Game of Thrones.

I’ve been hooked since the first episode of this unbelievably magnificent TV show. I have loyally stood by while all my favourite characters got slaughtered and the fate of the ones left seems cruelly predictable. But I keep watching. A lot has been said about the plot lines and evil mind of the show’s creator. Not enough…

Fuck You, Bitching Hour.

Bitching Hour. Not actually an hour, but roughly the time between 5-7pm when you’ve got kids to feed, bathe, dress and sedate so they will go the fuck to sleep. In my house this is when all the major league unpleasant shit goes down. Hair is pulled, limbs are bitten, food is thrown and toys are smashed. And that’s…

Fuck You, Humble Braggers.

Ah, the humble brag. One of the most annoying things on Facebook and all social media come to think of it. Nothing gets my back up more than someone who is unable to own their own apparent majesty and just fucking BRAG.

One of the things I miss most about the Facebook mums groups I’ve been kicked out of is the plethora of humble brags. Especially where cakes are concerned.

Fuck You, Depression.

I’m going to warn you now, there is nothing funny about this post. You might want to pass over this one if you are the skipping, clappy handy type (not that there is anything wrong with that, gimme some please). And I promise something much more fun than this is coming on Friday.
I’ve had some really interesting messages over the past few weeks. Everything from Trolls telling me I suck, “fan mail” *chortle* to Far Kew and heartfelt messages from friends and complete strangers thanking me for the laughs. I love it. Some of them have been quite personal ones, telling me my rants are the only light part of their week as they are suffering from depression. And those ones hit a bit of a nerve.

Far Kew is fine with life, she gets a bit ranty throughout the week, but stuff just rolls off her. Me? Not so much in tune with the rolling.

Fuck You, Telstra. Part 2.

I was pretty shitty to receive my Telstra bill this month seeing as I wasn’t able to use the service for a good few days during the last billing period. I had issues with the Telstra network going down like millions of others, and I also had issues with my home internet connection going down for…

Fuck You, Tiger Air.

I often need to take a quick trip up to Sydney for work purposes and usually the cheapest flights are with Tiger Air. They are relatively new to the scene, but legit enough that I will fly them and not worry about plummeting out of the sky in a fiery wreck.

Until this week.

My alarm went off at the unwelcome but not obscene time of 6am and I had a quick splash and kissed my kids goodbye. I had a dream run to the airport, arriving 1.5 hours before my flight was due to leave, which is unheard of for me as I am nearly always scrambling in there looking like a not-so-hot mess right at the last minute.

Fuck You, Johnny Depp.

So many people asked me what my opinion of this gut wrenchingly awful video was that I could no longer stay silent.

You will no doubt have seen or at least heard about the apology video that Johnny Depp and his wife Amber Heard were forced to give yesterday as part of the punishment for smuggling their dogs Pistol and Boo undeclared into Australia last year.

Fuck You, Shopping Centre Rides.

Y’all know I hate to go shopping. It’s where the most insufferable fools like to hang out, seemingly just to give me the fucking shits.

If I want to make a place in a fiery hell-like situation seem preferable to living, I take my kids to the local shopping center and combine two of my most hated tasks. Shopping. And shopping with my children.

My local hell-hole, I mean mall, is your typical run-of-the-mill centre with the usual suspects available like Coles, Woolies, Target, JB Hi-Fi and a food court. But you cannot enter this place without finding those fucking vending machines selling life-threatening confectionery, cheap plastic trinkets or choke hazard bouncing balls. Or it could be those machines with the claw which I am certain they wax up so you never fucking win.

If you can get past those without your kids having an epic meltdown and almost dislocating your arm from pulling, you will be met in about 5 steps by one of those merry-go-round kiddie rides. Cue another epic meltdown if you do not let them at least sit on it for a couple of minutes. They have flashing lights, friendly paint-jobs and are super fucking appealing to kids.

I’ve spat out the same sad old lines time and time again “Sorry, mummy has run out of money.” “This one is broken.” “No, we don’t put money in these it’s a waste.” My kids are usually happy to sit on it and pretend for a few minutes while I muster up the strength to keep going.

Once they get their fill of the Wiggles’ Big Red Car or the Thomas The Tank Engine ride, we press on. But little more than 8 fucking steps later and there’s another one! YIPPPEEEEE.

I want to choke myself.

WTF Wednesday, 13th April.

This is what happens when you pay 15 year olds $5 an hour to work on a Sunday. Poor pigs. It’s not their fault they are vertically challenged.

C U Next Tuesday. The C*ntasaurus.

If you have been keeping up with this blog, you will know that I recently registered the domain www.cuntasaurus.com after I called out the haters in a recent post about trolls.

I was kinda amazed it was still available, but I snapped that shit up faster than you can get flicked in the eyeball by a purple asparagus rubber band. Pretty fucking fast.

What are my plans? Well. I know there are people out there that have used cuntasaurus as an insult. But I believe I am the first to liken it to a Thesaurus. Even if I am not, I’m claiming it. So there.

You see, I am actually a pretty polite person in real life. Far Kew is my evil sidekick who can say and do whatever the fuck she feels like.

But she won’t say c*unt. And neither will I.
Occasionally I will roll it out for shock value, but to me it’s just a word too far. It doesn’t suit me and it doesn’t suit Far Kew.

In comes my idea. The Cuntasaurus. An insult bible for those who can’t or won’t say “The C Word”. When asshole just won’t cut it, consult the cuntasaurus for the perfect smack down.

I need your help. Let’s do this together!

I invite you all to send me your best insults for potential inclusion into this handy pocket guide. There are no rules apart from you having to have “liked” the Fuck You Friday FB page.

So PM me your best withering insults that will send even the biggest douche bag running for the hills.

Just don’t say C*NT.


Fuck You, Asparagus Wee.

I consider myself an all or nothing individual. There is absolutely nothing I like to do by halves. For example, I cannot eat one chocolate, one biscuit or one piece of cheese. Nor can I drink one beer. I must drink ALL the beer to be satisfied.

Because I can no longer eat Kale and realised I hadn’t eaten a green vegetable in quite some time, I decided to steam two bunches of asparagus and eat it for lunch. Two whole bunches of steamed asparagus on a plate, with nothing else. That would fix my iron deficiency for sure!

15 minutes later I needed to pee and the stench was unbearable. So, I consulted the wild world of web for some answers. The smell is down to a compound called methyl–mercaptin found in asparagus, that once broken down by the body produces a sulphurous odor likened to rotting cabbage. Several medical papers also suggest that not all humans produce this foul smelling piss after eating asparagus and there are also some that are unable to smell it at all despite it being present. Weird.

Mind you, this information was collated after having actual humans agree to pee in cups and then smell each others pee. I’m not too sure how fucking scientific that would be.

Fuck You, Peak Hour Drivers.

On Wednesday this week, I had to drive to a place called Footscray, when it was pissing down with rain. Footscray is an ugly shit hole, made all the more shit by the fog and rain and sudden freezing weather. And it got me thinking. Why is it that, at the slightest drop of rain, people…

A Bit of Fucking Education.

I’d never really given much thought about the origins of one of my favourite words. Until a superb video was shared with me by the mighty astute Fiona Mackay from Sydney. But before we go there, check out the Wikipedia entry for Fuck. Wikipedia says: Fuck is an obscene English language word, which refers to the act of…

WTF Wednesday – 6th April

This installment of WTF Wednesday seems to have a bit of an animal theme. Ace from Perth sent me this delicious confectionery item. Note how the camel (who looks a bit high) has moved his tail to the side, so you can see the majesty of his great big sour liquid-filled camel balls that you…

Fuck You, School Holidays.

Yesterday I was cursing the school holidays as I spent hours stuck in traffic which eventually forced me to stop for a snack in one of the richest suburbs of Melbourne. 2 coffees, a quiche and half a baguette cost $30 and we never reached our destination.

Fuck You, April Fools’ Day.

April 1st drives me nuts. All the idiots come out to play a practical joke and I just don’t find it funny. AT ALL.

Fuck You, Internet Trolls.

This Fuck You Friday Blog started about 3 weeks ago when I gave the middle finger to the North Shore Mums Facebook group. It went viral ( 173,000 hits and counting) and I was thrust into the spotlight.

WTF Wednesday – The Easter Edition.

WTF Wednesday started early on Good Friday when some sad fucker from Orange decided it was a good idea to go out driving fully naked and do who-knows-what to himself with a sex toy.  He got pulled over by the cops because he was driving extremely slowly and they thought it looked a bit suspicious. The name…

Fuck You Instagram

Instagram. When I first heard of it I was unconvinced. I really didn’t think it would become as huge as it has over the past 5 years. But it is now huge. Mega fucking  facebook-buys-it-for-one-billion-dollars huge. For a little while I played around with it and shared the odd snap of the kids, but the…

Fuck You Telstra

I am one of millions of Telstra customers who foolishly believed “You get what you pay for” when it comes to Telstra services. After all, they’ve spent years trying to convince us punters that their offering is superior to any other and that we must pay a savage premium to enjoy it. Despite much more attractive…