I have a funky foot issue. An issue with my foot tissue. Tinea. And it’s fucking gross.
Despite wearing thongs at the pool and drying in between my toes after a shower, I have this reoccurring fungus between my two end toes. I am using a beautifully named medicinal spray called Tinaderm to try and rid myself of this unwanted toe jam. But sadly, it’s not really working. I wish it would. Because I don’t want to have to go back to a chemist and buy something else with a funky and embarrassing name.
Why is it that medications for the most embarrassing issues contain “anus”, “vagi”, or “procto”? I mean, surely they could be named something completely discreet and random and also not have a photo of a butt on the packaging.
Seriously, who the hell is going to be game enough to wave that in the chemists face and say “Hey buddy, I’m just here for another tube of Proctosedyl for that pesky bunch of grapes I have hanging out of my arse”.
“It’s for a friend” you offer as the chemist gives you a sneaky wink.
I often behave like a 5-year-old at the supermarket and will always take the opportunity to yell loudly while waving Anusol in the air “Ran out of this babe?” and giggle hysterically as The Husband dives for cover. I throw 5 tubes in his basket and howl with laughter while the other shoppers snigger into their hands. It never gets old.
Similarly, he will try and embarrass me with any kind of intimate lady stuff. Vagisil anyone?
Femfresh? Don’t let that rank disco pussy get in the way of a good time.
Actually, I used to live with a girl in London who swore by these Fem Fresh wipes and took them wherever she went. She also used to shag a drug dealer behind a van outside our house, so I’m not going to judge on that one.
Here’s an advertisement for Femfresh from a DOLLY mag circa 1978.
I found another intimate lady product with a disturbing name suggesting that teenage vaginas are always desirable.
And another treatment for piles that just screams LOOK AT ME, I HAVE ROIDS AND THEY ARE SWOLLEN.
Got worms? We got chocolate squares that will fix that right up! But we won’t just SAY chocolate squares. Nope, we will make the cartoon worms look like the shit they are having a party in!
How about these big Pharmaceutical companies have a think about the people’s emotions who are actually buying this stuff. How about using all those millions of dollars to do some research into how an individual feels when they have to go and buy something that says “Vagi” or “Anus” in the name. Supermarket gags aside, I think we need to move with the times. Tampons are on the right track. You don’t come across too many crazy names there. “RedStem™” or “VagiFlow™” probably would put people off, am I right?
I think the people have spoken on this one. Well, actually it’s only me who has spoken, but I am the voice of a generation. And I like my embarrassing fungal problems to stay private.
What’s the worst thing you’ve had to buy “For a friend”?