Fuck You, Yo Gabba Gabba.

Play Along With Sam on Foxtel is a pretty safe bet in my house where my kids and their TV consumption is concerned. Sometimes I even *gasp* leave the room and let the big square babysitter do it’s wonderful thang. But today I stuck around for a bit longer than usual and ended up watching a show called “Yo Gabba Gabba”.  And it freaked me the fuck out. There were some weird characters jumping up and down and also some 50 year old dude in orange lycra who calls himself DJ Lance Rock, pinging back and forth with half a dead orangutan on top of his head.

My kids were absolutely fucking loving it, whirling around doing “propellor arms” along with DJ Lance and his wacky carcass hat.

The red one looks like an STD.
The red one looks like an STD.
Eons ago I used to spend my weekends reaching for the lasers, then wound down on the couch clutching a spliff and a hot chocolate, watching reruns of “Monkey Magic”.  Those were some crazy times. Watching Yo Gabba Gabba instantly took me back to some messy benders where I may or may not have indulged in some…..erm…..party supplies. This shit will mess with your head. And kids are meant to watch it?

Instant mind fuck, no drugs required.
Instant bender, no drugs required.
Come to think of it, Yo Gabba Gabba isn’t the weirdest kids show I’ve ever seen. There are some dubious characters out there that I think are some kind of in-joke with the creators.

Like In The Night Garden. This is seriously messed up.

The stuff of nightmares.
The stuff of nightmares.
Even their books are dodgy.

Rated W for WRONG
Rated W for WRONG
Teletubbies have been around for ages, but I think I’d rather watch Chucky from Child’s Play in the dark by myself in the middle of a haunted forest.

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Check out this short snippet. RUN KIDS RUN!

Play School isn’t even safe. They made a bong once for kids.

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Do you want to fly way, way, way up high??
Then there’s this clown, Jimmy Giggle who can’t stop giggling. Pull yourself together you fool.

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Nothing to see here kids.
Kids toys are not safe either, you’ve got to be really careful you are not accidentally giving your little angels a dildo. Thanks to Play Doh Cake Mountain.

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Buzz Lightyear sippy cup? Funny place to put a straw….

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Perhaps you like your water bomb toys in the shape of a vagina.

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She’s a squirter!
I’m trying to navigate this early learning thing and I’m not entirely sure who or what I can trust. Now that I’ve been traumatised with Yo Gabba Gabba I’m suspicious of everything. I grew up on Thunderbirds, Monkey Magic and Mr Squiggle. And look how that turned out….

The funkiest monkey.
Do you think kids TV is a bit trippy? Or is it just me?

THE END.

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