Fuck You, Vagina Steaming Goop Sex.

Back in January, Gwyneth Paltrow gave a huge endorsement to the Tikkun Spa in LA on her blog goop. Their claim to fame? A Mugwort V-Steam treatment, which is basically a plush chair with a hole in it that you stick your hairy taco in to steam it. Yes. Steam your vagina.

tikkun_vsteam_web
Come sit on my face, and tell me that you love me.

Gwyneth gushed “The real golden ticket here is the Mugwort V-Steam. You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al.”

The vagina is a mystical place, not visible to anyone without a speculum or a really keen eye. For the most part it’s meant to look after itself and not cause us ladies too much bother. So why the fuck would you want to use some ancient Korean ritual to steam it?

Those curtains look really effective. No wonder you need a fucking blindfold.. ..
Those curtains look really effective. No wonder you need a fucking blindfold…..

They stick a few mugwort leaves to your perineum and then steam the crap out of your front bottom until it refreshes itself.  You pay actual cash money for someone to do this to you. The scientific name for this plant is Artemisia Vulgaris, but let’s not ignore the fact that the more popular name, Mugwort, sounds like something you’d catch on a Contiki tour.

I’m struggling to understand the benefit of sitting on that thing for half an hour, having a herbacious cocktail shot up my cooch and then having to part with funds for it afterwards. What can it possibly do? Can you imagine the shit that’s going to come out of there after 30 minutes of hot steam? I don’t believe that dripping hot yeast extract straight from the walls of my uterus is going to make anyone’s day better. Least of all the cleaners.

This week on goop, Gwyneth is busy interviewing Dr. Maggie Ney about the dangers of lube. They contain endocrine disruptors and are bad bad news. Maggie says:

“Standard lubricants also contain other potentially toxic ingredients like glycerin, which can contribute to yeast infections; propylene glycol, which can be irritating to the skin; chlorhexidine gluconate, an antibacterial that can kill healthy vaginal bacteria, which then makes a women more susceptible to yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis; and petroleum, which can alter vaginal pH and contribute to more vaginal infections.”

She suggests using natural alternatives such as coconut oil, almond oil, olive oil or aloe vera gel. Basically you can just add a few cups of rice bubbles to your meat wallet and make a fucking chocolate crackle. Snatch, crackle and pop? What the fuck even is this shit? Seriously? Can you imagine the mess on the sheets? And surely more infections are bound to happen if women are slapping on 7 year old aloe vera gel from their last trip to Thailand. Then, you’ve got the issue of emulsion, with all that oily stuff. When you are boinking, you are going to create some disgusting sex paste from the organic lube mixed with whatever vagina-steamed yeast extract you’ve got leftover from the spa. Now, if that’s not a fucking nightmare in a petrie dish I don’t know what is.

She’s also got a $15,000 gold plated dildo for sale on the goop site. If I had the cash for that I sure as hell wouldn’t be dipping it in fucking olive oil! What the actual fuck! If  you click on the dildo named “Inez” (how very exotic) it takes you to the purchase page. I might be wrong, but it looks suspiciously like it’s resting on a bed of Himalayan Fart salt to me. Thoughts?

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The world’s most expensive fake penis?

I started sniffing around on the site a bit more and came across a much more reasonably priced dildo called the  “Mona Wave”.

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I wonder if Craig McLachlan has heard of this.

Check out the review from Oldfart52. Sweet baby Jesus, I can only imagine the devastation those two cause with this bad boy. I had to stop there as I was regurgitating my dinner.

Roll me in flour and find the wet spot.
Roll me in flour and find the wet spot.

Gwyneth Paltrow is a very rich woman. She comes from a wealthy, successful family and has carved out an impressive career in Hollywood. Hats off to her.  So why does she feel the need to influence dry vaginas worldwide? We women are strong, amazing creatures. But some women are very gullible. With enough encouragement, people will actually start to believe we need these things. She can make a trend take off with her goopy powers.

Gwynnie might need to have her vagina steamed as she keeps wearing outfits like this camel toe inducing pink number with Spanx.

If you have a camel toe this epic, you NEED the vagi-steam.
If you have a camel toe this epic, you NEED the vagi-steam.

Well Fuck You, Gwyneth and your goop trends trying to stage an intervention with my vag. I now know more about you than I ever cared to know. I’m fine with my dried up old wizards sleeve doing its thang and I don’t need a v-steam or a naturally lubed up 15 grand dildo to make my life complete.

Leave us alone and go and make another Iron Man movie.

THE END

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. cat@lifethroughthehaze says:

    This is hilarious! Gwyneth is so far from reality she may as well be living on another planet. Planet Goop!

  2. Oh so much gold in this post 😂
    I cannot think of anything worse than having my vag steamed. It’s not a friggin’ wonton! Mugwort – isn’t that where Harry Potter went to school? I don’t know. I hate those books.
    7 year old aloe vera gel from your last trip to Thailand. I just found some 7 year old aloe vera gel from my last trip to Thailand the other day I shit you not 😂😂 How did you know?!

  3. Pia says:

    I don’t know what is wrong with me but I really want a vag steam after reading this blog

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