FUCK YOU unexpected item in the bagging area.

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Self-serve checkouts, I fucking hate them.

They make me murderous because 9 times out of 10 I get “Unexpected item in the bagging area”. What exactly is so unexpected? Did you think I plonked a unicorn on the weight tray? Whoa! Wasn’t expecting that!! It’s going to be a fucking grocery item of some description isn’t it?

It’s not my fault that my bulk pack of toilet paper wouldn’t balance properly, or that my potato rolled to the side when I set it down. No. Now I have to stand there flapping my arms around like a fucking idiot waiting for the lady in the vest to come and type an essay into the screen so I can continue. And those power trippers in the vests like to make you feel like a total fucking failure while they do it too. They get off on it.  They stick their magic code into the screen and start banging away while they give you a half-smile that says “I am mighty and powerful and you are fucking stupid”. I’ve even had some of them give me an extra look mid-essay and comment on the big bag of nappies “Oh you’ve got kids? That’s fabulous.” When really they are like “Are you going to pay for those?”.

Because everyone with a pram is a fucking blue collar criminal.

I would go through the regular checkouts, but there are a few problems with this.

  1. The checkout chick is a dying breed. I know. I used to be one. And I was very fucking good at my job too. Despite getting paid $4.65 per hour in 1992 I paid very close attention to that training video and remembered that you didn’t put the eggs on the bottom or the Ratsack with the milk or seventeen cans in one bag. It’s not bloody rocket science. But these new GenY checkout chicks don’t seem to fucking get it. They will throw your olive tub in the bag so the lid pops off and leaks all over your magazine. You’ll get the 5 kilo bag of dog food on top of your bread and the sharp package of cereal crammed in with too many other things meaning it will split and spill all over the ground as soon as you pick it up. Don’t think about bringing your own bags either because they’ll huff and fucking puff at the extra work that creates. They won’t even smile when they ask if you have flybuys. Where is the service?

2. I don’t like small talk. And I am usually wrestling my kids away from the Chupa Chup display so I simply don’t have the strength for idle chit chat.

3. Ethel is usually in front of me taking her sweet fucking time unpacking the groceries onto the conveyor belt and I get my crazy face on.

4. If you’ve ever played “Queue Jump Roulette” to find the shortest way out, you’ll be wanting to smack someone because you always fucking lose. Always.

So, I stick to the self-serve and it’s driving me batshit crazy. Can’t it just let my potato through give or take a couple of grams? Why does a machine have to make me this angry?

Coles need to concentrate on the real issues here, like the guy putting his giant bag of pomegranates through as the 99.c cut watermelon, or the woman trying the old “Lady Finger bananas as regular bananas” trick or the tight arses picking the truss tomatoes off the fucking truss. Are you listening Coles??!! These are the everyday thieves ripping off your fruit and veg department and they are LAUGHING IN YOUR FACE.

I just wanted some toilet paper and potatoes.

Fuck You Coles.  Fuck your unexpected items and Fuck your vest lady power tripping bitches too.

 

Fuck You Bra Shopping

There is a special place in hell for you. You are worse than unexpected items in the bagging area and Himalayan black fart salt and slow magnetic travelators rolled into one. If someone said I would never have to go bra shopping again if I ate 50 plates of already picked-up sushi off Ethel’s naked body while someone jammed Himalayan black fart salt into every orifice of my body I would do it.

I have huge hooters which is not my fault, it’s a family inheritance. Instead of cash, I get massive tits. They are even more enormous after feeding two womb raiders which is just a slap in the fucking face because most people find theirs shrink. The unfortunate upsize could be because I’m now a bit fat, but whatever the reason they are now super huge and hard to house. I need new bras and the mission to find them is making me want to scream.

Bras come in two categories. Small and sexy or big and veryfuckinguglywithmassivestraps. Very seldom can you get one that will fit massive hooters and not look like a yurt with a few hooks at the back. And if you do manage to find one they will be about $100 each.

You can spend three or four days trying on everything in the shop and get absolutely fucking nowhere, all the while being forced to face yourself in those awful three way mirrors that will make even the skinniest person look obeast. It’s a one-way ticket to counselling town and if you make it out alive, you’ll still be broke.

I’d like to squeeze whoever invented bra shopping between my massive knockers and suffocate you.

Fuck You.

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25 Comments Add yours

  1. Me says:

    OMG – I get you with the self serve check-outs – sometimes I spend longer trying to decide which is the lesser of the two evils than the time it took me to get my bread and milk !!!
    As for bra shopping – I couldn’t agree more. In fact I think that goes for any shopping – shopping is the work of the devil and we should never partake – LOL
    Have the best FUF that you can – TFIF !!

  2. Melissa says:

    You crack me up! I love your posts. Reading them from my abode in France, you make me feel connected back to Australia with your fabulous, raw humour. Thank you.

  3. Michael says:

    Mel, fucking love your posts… Seriously girl you need to get your own show on the ABC.

    Absolute pissa.

    Keep it up, and you should do stand up beause you have some great material !

  4. Rhonda says:

    Omg!. You have done it again!. Classic! Bra shopping is theee absolute worst!. I hate it!. Why can’t I shop at one of those places that sell them for cheap?!! Why must I suffer cos I was well-endowed?!! Its bad enough that I have to look like I am suffocating but to have pay monstrous, outrageous prices to lug them around is insufferable! Thank you Fuck you Friday for bringing this up!.same can be said for swimmers shopping!. Just cos my hooters are tooo big doesn’t mean I don’t deserve those cute lil designs on my brassieres too, but noooo i gotta go with the same ole generic tan, white, black ..i want the fleuro’s, pink, cute bra’s!!!

  5. Nicky says:

    Oh & what about when the item is so light it doesn’t even register or when it’s asking if you are using your own bags wtf? i go to those check outs for no human interaction or because they only have one maybe two check-outs open ignoring the long lines so you have no choice but yeah one ends up dealing with the power tripping vest lady treating us like 5 yr olds when the machine doesn’t play nice anyway…big hooters yeah tell me about it why do you think i wear my old bras to death although dita von something has a decent-sexy range for bigger sizes in taaarget fyi

  6. Vanessa says:

    Fucking GOLD!! Now my Friday can begin!!! I fucking HATE the self checkout!!!

  7. Hey says:

    Hate the power tripping self serve wardens! I shop at woolies now because their self serve doesnt do the whole ‘unexpected item’ saga. You can also skip the bagging area and put your jumbo toilet paper straight in the trolley and doesn’t have a tanty.

  8. Margot says:

    The Coles in my suburb turned the checking-your-bag off. So you can scan like a 10 years experienced counter chick! My goal is to set records: do it faster than the woman tell you that you can scan your flybuys card, or that the thing only accepts cards. Another great one is to scan 2 items and put them in the bag together!

  9. Jules. says:

    I find it more concerning that Coles is ripping you off mate. Your groceries total $21.92 here, not $25.62 WTF?
    And please keep writing. I love your work. Where have you been all my life?

  10. LuvHippos says:

    You are the best thing to happen to my Fridays! Still giggling. ” Did you think I plonked a unicorn on the weight tray? Whoa! Wasn’t expecting that!!” Just brilliant!

  11. Karen says:

    City Chic is the best for big boobie bras. Pretty and the actually hold you up and not that pricey. Until I found them, I was the same with the bra shopping.

  12. paulhassing says:

    If this isn’t already a book, it will be. Soon. If not, hit me up on crowdfunding. Wonderful essay. Kind regards, P.

  13. Kat says:

    Woolies self serve are a tiny bit easier to use.
    Bra shopping I used to hate till I went to City Chic. Their bras are very comfy and not badly priced.

  14. Dick says:

    I’ve given up on coles and am shopping at woolies instead purely because of Coles fucked up self service implementation. Most times I can get through the woolies one without assistance.

  15. Tanya hammond says:

    FCK UR GOLD … seriously u have found ur calling . U have me in tears from laughing because everything u say ive felt lol . If ur ever live anywhere let me know

  16. Wendy says:

    Feck I love you – I am laughing out loud here and have ended up with the hiccups! Please keep blogging – and better still come to Phuket with Mrs Woog in May – PLEEEEEEASE!!!

  17. Don’t get me started on self-serve checkouts. The last time I used one I was accused of shoplifting because I forgot to get a receipt. Luckily we had the ‘unexpected item’ thing happen to us about three times and something too light about twice which didn’t register, so the security warden checked with the check-out warden who remembered we were honest and got help and didn’t just chuck it in the trolley, and let us go. I’m going for the cashiers next time even though they always comment on what I am buying and try to sell me raffle tickets.

  18. Christina says:

    OMG the “are you going to pay for those nappies as they are hanging off your pram” look! BEEN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!

  19. melwillz says:

    If you are BF check out my old blog from years ago. There is a bit of tumbleweed going on in there but it’s all about babies. You’ll dig it. I hope.
    http://www.thewombraider.wordpress.com

  20. Penny says:

    BERLEI Lift and Shape T- Shirt bra….changed my “I’m a little bit fat, fed three kids, what size am I today” life.

    1. melwillz says:

      I can’t find them in an F cup?! Thought I’d tried all the Berlei ones 🙁

  21. Jadey says:

    LOL I bra shopped yesterday thanks to an eager pup who decided eating my bras off the clothesline was a great idea. Got myself refitted to find I’m a 14F and only one kind of bra in all of Myer suits and comes in my size. Oh and there is only one of those in the shop too so no choice of colour. But at least it’s comfy and not dead ugly. Berlei The Sensation – Cheers! LoL

  22. elleysays says:

    Fuck you to the small pockets designed for coins in jeans. It’s a great concept but I always every time without fail either get my coins or my fingers stuck on the way out

  23. Sasquatch Feet says:

    Can i swap your bra shopping for shopping for size 11 ladies feet? Sales assistants always take me to the back corner where they stock the unisex medical sandals with adjustable velcro (for swelling and growing bunions i assume).

  24. Dumb blog says:

    Sexist bitch. There are male checkout workers too.

    And it’s clear that you are just too retarded to use self service. Never have an issue.

    And don’t flap your arms about when something goes wrong. Wait your fucking turn.

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