Fuck You Two Minute Noodles

I grew up in the 70’s when Suimin instant noodles in those styrofoam cups were considered pretty exotic. Fluorescent pink sweet and sour pork from a Chinese restaurant was world class cuisine and if you had tried Japanese food people would think you were a superstar.

Somehow over the years those magic instant noodles lasted the distance and have now become synonymous with 45 year old men still living at home, singing Kumbaya around a campfire and the last resort dinner for millions of Australian kids with very lazy (and tired) parents. Backpackers can live on this shit for an entire year without ingesting any other foodstuff and they continue to be gobbled up every day of the week.

My kids absolutely love them and request them more often than I’m willing to admit. But given that I try and feed a well balanced kale-free diet at Chateau Far Kew, these treats are few and far between. Recently on a campervan trip to Tasmania I grabbed a couple as an emergency snack. I chose a Fantastic brand chicken flavour noodle bowl. We never ended up eating it in Tasmania because Tassie is full of amazing fresh produce, so I foolishly brought it home (what a tight arse I am) for a future snack fest.

One night when the kids were being total fucking arse bandits and I’d sunk a few glasses of wine just to get me through bitching hour I decided I was going to eat one. The Husband wasn’t home and I didn’t have to feed anyone else but me. I was going to indulge in a little 70’s nostalgia. I boiled the water and peeled back the lid. I carefully sprinkled the flavour sachet on top and then opened up a really pathetic looking satchel of “vegetables”. It contained 3 dehydrated peas and about 4 minuscule bits of dried carrot. Can this be fucking legal? They are adding the bare bloody minimum to make it actually contain vegetables because they’ve listed “dehydrated seasonal vegetables” on the ingredients list. And the taste! OH WOW. It was not very fucking oriental. It was more like an “idea” someone had of what a chicken must taste like. Made by someone that has never actually eaten a fucking chicken. And of course if you investigate the ingredients lists it contains no actual chicken.

I am still now trying to get the flavour out of my mouth and  it transpires that Fantastic Noodle bowls are very far from being fantastic.

Another big player in the instant noodle world are Maggi 2 minute noodles. As the packet suggests you assume these cook in 2 minutes, right? Wrong. By the time you’ve got the pan out, boiled the water, opened the packet, chucked it in and let it return to the boil it’s at least 5 fucking minutes. And if you are drunk and dribbling into the pot then those minutes really hurt. Most reasonable people will add a handful of those frozen peas, carrot and corn into the mix meaning that will cool everything right down and add a couple of extra minutes. Then there is the sachet of flavouring with some kind of magic dryness sucking up all the water and making everything stick to the bottom meaning you’ll have to add a few more splashes of cold water extending the cooking time even fucking further. By this time you are well past 15 minutes and may as well have cooked a quick Jamie Oliver recipe that actually resembles proper food. But by by now you’ve invested in this fucking monstrosity and need to see it through.

I googled “Do two minute noodles cook in two minutes?” and found dozens of websites where sad fuckers swap tips on how to enhance this shitty feast. Everything from certain sauces to very particular vegetables and varying cooking temperatures. Somebody even enthusiastically shared his recipe for two minute noodles with diced spam and lettuce. Can’t wait to try that one.

One guy on a forum suggests making a “Spaghetti Bolognese” using an entire bottle of tomato sauce and a whole container of parmesan cheese. And nothing else. He even gives a heads up that it’s a fairly difficult dish to make due to the complexity of getting the water into the pot.

Screen Shot 2016-03-13 at 8.50.55 pm

Or you can add “Penut” butter like Aetius who is 47 from Adelaide and living in his parents garage. He’s obviously tested out his method a few times as his description is very involved. He does it “by eye” so he’s a damn well fucking culinary genius by the sounds of things. Heston Blumenthal had better watch his back.

Screen Shot 2016-03-13 at 8.51.40 pm

These are real people. Walking in our midst. You probably wouldn’t even be able to pick them out of a crowd.

After spending longer than I should have reading these incredibly depressing recipe recommendations I decided that I would never cook this crap again.

Fuck You two minute noodles. Fuck your shitty sachet of 3 seasonal peas and carrots and fuck your inaccurate cooking time. #poominutenoodles

The End

facebook Like me on Facebook


  1. I feel more connected to humanity knowing that someone else out there drinks too much wine, has a bitching hour and kids that sometimes behave like arse bandits and is willing to put pretty much anything in their mouth…i usually go for jelly snakes and chips. Thanks for keeping it real..

  2. Hehe the peanut butter noodles is actually my son’s favourite. I found it (sans the 2 minutes noodles ) in one of Nigella’s books. I make it with ready to use Hokkien noodles to show some effort and he’ll gobble up the entire bowl… of course you can kale cos everything tastes better with kale 😉

  3. Hahaha I’ve resorted to them on occasion. I love the smell of someone cooking them, but far out – I end up feeling under nourished and dehydrated every time! I don’t know how I survived my childhood!!
    As for the ‘enhanced’ 2 minute noodles – if you’re going to take that much effort to make them better, you probably could have made something more ‘real’ and ‘fancy’ from scratch in that time!

  4. I have never been allowed to add the vegetables to two minute noodles for my kids. They have also been known to eat them raw. (Just the noodles). No nutrition at all, but I guess they are crunchy. We do sometimes buy fancy arse but cheap ones from the Asian shops which are fabulous (especially if you add an egg and some greens – real ones), but you have to know the right ones to buy. Because some contain weird ingredients which does stuff to your stomach that can kill you. (My teen wants to be a medical examiner and studies this stuff and spoils many meals by telling us what is going to make us sick. Having said that we rarely get food poisoning…) Did you know that many burns are also caused by two minute noodles? I shit you not. They are evil. EVIL.

  5. I personally like how ‘penut’ boy was worried about the salt content more than how incredibly nutrient deficient and cancer causing the noodles are!. Another question that springs to mind in regards to turning 2 min noodles into spaghetti is ….. Why not just buy a tin of spaghetti. All jokes aside, thank you to these wonderful humans for posting their recipes. It’s been the best 10 minutes of my week.

  6. You have managed to save me from having a totally fucked day after the dimwit builders at work didn’t waterproof the half of building they chopped off to add the extension and the server room flooded, knocking out all IT. I feel like I have been at work for 3 days straight, but I have a new found admiration for the wonders of a functioning technical world. How good it is to type this instead of hand writing and filing to scan into the computer later….
    Thanks for venting and, in turn, releasing my tensions. The aged spiced rum has somewhat helped too 🙂

  7. OMG….have been going through the same nostalgic process. Yes, the Fantastic noodles do not live up to their name. Fucking crap. I have found some Suimin ones around. Not like they were in gbeir heyday but still more edible than the Craptastic. Also, I did that satay 2 minute noodle thing when I was drug fucked and broke at uni. It was delish then. Might give it a whirl! Or not. Hilarious as always!

  8. Oh OK oops I meant to add they actually work with just water boiled up in a kettle. Just pour and TWO MINUTES later they are actually done. None of this actual pot cookibg shit. Basically like making a tea bag tea. I feel ALDI deserves some credit here. But then I am always pushing ALDI, it’s in my blood I guess.

  9.   Дальше Все супер! Доставили целый, невредимый в красивой розовой коробочке, внутри инструкция на русском языке, мешок бархатный и батарейка. В руке держать очень приятно, тяжелый из-за кварца и алюминиевой ручки. Идеальное сочетание для подарка. Даже не знаю, с чего начать обзор этого супер-пупер-мега-хита. Наверное, с легенд, которые обычно продают вместе с этими роллерами. В Древнем Египте розовый кварц называли «любовным камнем» — его носили как украшение на счастье и, говорят, толкли в порошок, который добавляли в кремы в качестве усилителя их свойств. «В роли бустера», как мы это сейчас называем:) Издательство Эксмо 8 важных свиданий. Как создать отношения на всю жизнь, Готтман Джон Издательство Эксмо 8 важных свиданий. Как создать отношения на всю жизнь, Готтман Джон Доставка товаров из США осуществляется самостоятельно компанией ESS Market LLC
    Интернет магазин Edwshop.ru позволяет экономить при покупке товаров для татуажа и татуировок, а также других товаров для индустрии красоты. Просто нанесите раствор как обычно, латисс для ресниц купить в СПБ перед сном. Густота ресниц и бровей во многом определяется генетикой. Но от повышенной потери волосков не застрахована ни одна женщина. Купить средство для роста ресниц RevitaLash в Москве, Санкт-Петербурге с доставкой по России Вы можете в интернет-магазине OPP-Shop. Эксклюзивный представитель бренда “ENIGMA” в РФ и на территории стран ТС Омолаживающая улиточная пенка для умывания Mistine 80 гр Для начала необходимо отмерить в одной термостойкой емкости дистиллированную воду и гидролат василька. Бесплатная доставка при заказе от 1000р. RevitaLash – бренд америнской фирмы ATHENA Cosmetics, одной из самых быстроратущих компаний в индустрии красоты. Сегодня ее продукцию можно купить в более чем 3500 спа-центрах и специализированных бутиках в Америке и других странах.

  10. When I initially commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now
    each time a comment is added I get three emails with the same comment.
    Is there any way you can remove people from that service?

    Thank you!

  11. My brother recommended I might like this web site.

    He was totally right. This post actually made my day.
    You can not imagine simply how much time I had spent for this information! Thanks!

  12. Hello there I am so grateful I found your web site, I really found you by accident, while I was researching on Askjeeve for something
    else, Regardless I am here now and would just like to say many thanks for a remarkable post and a all round exciting blog (I also
    love the theme/design), I don’t have time to browse it
    all at the minute but I have bookmarked it and also added in your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read
    a great deal more, Please do keep up the fantastic work.

  13. Appreciating the commitment you put into your site and in depth information you present.
    It’s great to come across a blog every once in a while that isn’t the same out
    of date rehashed information. Great read! I’ve bookmarked your site and I’m
    adding your RSS feeds to my Google account.

  14. It’s amazing to go to see this web page and reading the views of all mates regarding this post, while I am also eager of getting

  15. Hi there, I discovered your site by way of Google even as searching
    for a comparable topic, your website got here up,
    it appears to be like great. I have bookmarked it in my google
    Hi there, simply changed into aware of your blog via Google, and located that it is really informative.
    I am going to be careful for brussels. I’ll be grateful if you happen to proceed this in future.
    Numerous folks will probably be benefited out of your writing.


  16. I think the admin of this website is really working hard
    in support of his website, for the reason that here
    every material is quality based stuff.

  17. Useful info. Lucky me I discovered your website
    unintentionally, and I am shocked why this coincidence didn’t came
    about in advance! I bookmarked it.

  18. Good day I am so happy I found your webpage,
    I really found you by error, while I was researching on Aol for something else, Anyways I am here
    now and would just like to say thanks for a fantastic post and a all round enjoyable
    blog (I also love the theme/design), I don’t have time to go through it all
    at the minute but I have saved it and also added your RSS feeds,
    so when I have time I will be back to read a lot
    more, Please do keep up the great work.

  19. An impressive share! I’ve just forwarded this onto a coworker
    who was conducting a little homework on this. And he actually
    ordered me breakfast simply because I found it for him… lol.
    So allow me to reword this…. Thanks for the
    meal!! But yeah, thanx for spending the time to talk about this issue
    here on your site.

  20. MATIC, Polygon’s native token, is an ERC-20 token based on the Ethereum blockchain, meaning it can be stored in any Ethereum wallet, including Eidoo and MetaMask. In addition, tokens are used for payment services on Polygon and for settlements between users who work on the Polygon trading platform.  Polygon is listed among the top 10 most valued cryptocurrencies. So MATIC price prediction plays a vital role as this crypto is highlighted. It has collaborated with many technologies and companies to build a more robust and secure network. MATIC has helped to make transactions faster and more reliable. It has recently reduced its CO2 emission to a high volume, which has helped the company gain more trust among its users. Moreover, there are still plenty of top brands and companies utilizing Polygon for new Web3 initiatives. As a result, Polygon has a market capitalization of $9.8 billion, making it one of the top 10 cryptos in the world.
    Despite the fact that this may appear intimidating, it is quite simple once you understand it. This guide will assist you in learning how to buy and sell Squid Game coins. Only Pancake and Squid are currently traded on Swap. At the moment, there is no way to buy or sell Squid Game through a regulated broker. The Squid Game brand name is to be monetized by using cryptocurrency as part of an online gaming platform in the future. Coins of this type are frequently volatile, which means that their price can rise or fall dramatically in a short period of time. It is also a fast-moving coin with a high degree of social media engagement, which can have a significant impact on its price. The Squid Game token was created as the exclusive coin for the Squid Game project which is the crypto play-to-earn platform. The online tournament will take place in November and gives holders the chance to earn more tokens.

  21. Hi! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any problems with hackers?
    My last blog (wordpress) was hacked and I ended up losing a few months of hard work due to
    no data backup. Do you have any methods to prevent hackers?

  22. The YouTube MP3 Converter is a easy to use, quick, and confidential tool that allows
    you to transform as well as download YouTube video clips as MP3 audio files without the requirement for
    software downloads. Our solution sustains major
    gadgets such as Android, iPhone, Windows, as well as Mac,
    allowing you to download video clips in the highest possible
    offered quality. Merely paste the YouTube video URL into the search box and also click the “Convert” switch.
    Within seconds, your MP3 documents will certainly await download.

    Create playlists of high-grade MP3 files and
    appreciate the songs from your preferred YouTube
    video clips. Preserve audio high quality while extracting 4K
    videos. Our solution uses a safe as well as practical alternative for transforming
    and also downloading MP3s from YouTube as well as other streaming platforms.
    Select multiple video clips or videos of varying lengths and also quickly
    download them to your desktop computer or
    mobile device without limitations or the requirement for
    registration. PLEASE KEEP IN MIND: There is a restriction on downloading MP3 data
    longer than 10 mins at a time.

  23. I have been surfing on-line more than 3 hours lately, yet I never
    discovered any attention-grabbing article like yours. It’s beautiful price enough for
    me. Personally, if all web owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the
    internet might be much more useful than ever before.

  24. Hi there! I know this is kind of off topic but I
    was wondering which blog platform are you using for this
    site? I’m getting sick and tired of WordPress because I’ve had issues with hackers and I’m looking at alternatives for
    another platform. I would be great if you could point me in the direction of a good platform.

  25. Hi there! This post could not be written any better!
    Reading through this post reminds me of my previous room mate!
    He always kept talking about this. I will forward this page to him.
    Fairly certain he will have a good read. Thanks for sharing!

  26. Thanks for your personal marvelous posting! I quite enjoyed reading it, you
    might be a great author. I will always bookmark your blog and
    will eventually come back in the foreseeable
    future. I want to encourage yourself to continue your great
    writing, have a nice evening!

  27. I think what you said made a bunch of sense. However,
    consider this, what if you added a little content? I am not saying your
    content isn’t good, however suppose you added a headline to maybe get a
    person’s attention? I mean Fuck You Two Minute Noodles – Fuck You Friday is a little vanilla.
    You ought to glance at Yahoo’s home page and note how they create post headlines to get people to open the links.
    You might try adding a video or a pic or two to grab people excited about what you’ve
    got to say. Just my opinion, it might make your posts a little bit more interesting.

  28. Amazing blog! Do you have any tips and hints for aspiring writers?
    I’m hoping to start my own blog soon but I’m a little
    lost on everything. Would you propose starting with a free platform like WordPress or
    go for a paid option? There are so many options out there that I’m completely confused ..
    Any ideas? Thanks!

  29. Oh my goodness! Incredible article dude! Many thanks, However I am encountering troubles with your RSS.
    I don’t know the reason why I can’t subscribe to it. Is there anybody else having the same RSS problems?
    Anyone who knows the solution can you kindly respond? Thanks!!

  30. Simply wish to say your article is as amazing. The clarity to your post is just cool and that i could think you’re
    an expert on this subject. Fine together with your permission let me to grasp your feed to
    keep up to date with approaching post. Thanks a million and please
    carry on the enjoyable work.

  31. With havin so much written content do you ever run into any issues of plagorism or copyright infringement?
    My website has a lot of unique content I’ve either written myself or outsourced but it seems a
    lot of it is popping it up all over the internet without my agreement.
    Do you know any ways to help prevent content from being stolen? I’d genuinely appreciate it.

  32. I loved as much as you will receive carried out right here.
    The sketch is tasteful, your authored material stylish.
    nonetheless, you command get got an impatience over that
    you wish be delivering the following. unwell unquestionably come further formerly again as exactly the same nearly a lot often inside case you shield this

  33. Whats up this is somewhat of off topic but I was wanting to know
    if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML.
    I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding skills so
    I wanted to get guidance from someone with experience.

    Any help would be enormously appreciated!

  34. Hey there I am so delighted I found your web site,
    I really found you by accident, while I was researching on Digg for something else, Anyways I am here now
    and would just like to say thanks for a incredible post and
    a all round enjoyable blog (I also love the theme/design),
    I don’t have time to browse it all at the minute but I have book-marked it and
    also added in your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read much more, Please
    do keep up the awesome job.

  35. May I just say what a relief to uncover a person that really
    knows what they are talking about on the net. You
    certainly realize how to bring a problem to light and make it important.
    More people need to check this out and understand this side of your story.
    It’s surprising you’re not more popular since you
    surely possess the gift.

  36. “In my opinion, you cannot write an offer until you have learned what average is,” said Zuber. “Because once you know the average — say it’s 5% — then you can feel confident about writing offers that produce 7% or 8% or 9% cash-on-cash. The magic of this business is simply getting above average yield.” Much like other homeowners, real estate investors are reluctant to put their properties on the market. At only 8% of new listings, investors are holding onto properties without adding to their real estate portfolio. That’s a 36% tumble from the same quarter in the previous year.  In respect to a short sale, the primary reason a real estate deal falls through is because the lender involved in the short sale approves the sale and requests a closing to occur in a time frame that is nearly impossible to meet. When buying a short sale, a lender will give their clearance to close and will request it is completed within 14-21 days, sometimes even fewer days.
    hoa.org.uk advice guides-for-homeowners i-am-buying top-tips-clever-questions-to-ask-the-estate-agent Next, it’s time to write up your offer. Your real estate agent will do the heavy lifting here, but you’ll need to look it over and sign it before submitting it to the seller. The entire amount of the commission rarely goes to the listing agent. In fact, agents are not even able to receive commission payments directly. Instead, the payment is made to the broker under whom the agent works. The broker then pays the agent according to their agreement. If a broker accepts money from you for any reason, that broker must deposit the payment in an escrow account, a bank account which is maintained specifically as a depository for funds belonging to others, in a timely manner. The money must be kept in the escrow account until the transaction is successfully completed or is terminated. It is illegal for a broker to mingle your funds with his own.