FUCK YOU to the people that leave the toilet seat down in public toilets.

I don’t need a fucking turd surprise jumping out at me when I lift the lid! I have to surf my way through the cubicles to find a “safe” one. Here’s a tip. If you’ve done a massive shit and it’s so huge it won’t go down, fucking WAIT and do a double, triple or quadruple flush. Call the cleaner. Do fucking anything else than leave that shit there for me to find. I’ve got two kids and two dogs, I deal with enough shit as it is.

Fuck You Cotton on Kids for your stupid tags.

Yeah I’m talking about the shop-a-docket sized warning labels sewn inside all the kids stuff. It’s about one metre long and is written in about 16 different languages. How many stupid parents have set their kids on fire or had them hang themselves on the hanger loops prompting this rediculous and annoying waste of fabric? 1? 2? Any??
One small one saying “Stupid People Beware of being Stupid” should be enough to cover your legal bases right?? FFS

Fuck You Darth Vader.

I got some cute camping chairs for our upcoming campervan adventure for the kids. Frozen for Savvy and Star Wars for Harley. Harley is fucking PETRIFIED of the Star Wars one and won’t sit in it. He didn’t even laugh when I put on my Darth Vader voice and breathed “Harley…..I am your mother….”.
No. He’s fucking traumatised.
So now I have to haul arse back to KMart and get another Frozen one. I should “Let it Go” right?? Fuck You anyway.

Fuck You hot European Deep Sea Mineral guys.

I have to pretend to make a phone call when you launch your tanned hotness towards me and we both know it’s fake. That look you threw me might have worked in Mykonos, but it’s not going to work on me, OK? Quite frankly I am scared of what might happen if I stop for your free hand job. Will I need to take a shower? Or bathe in some deep sea minerals? MARRIED. Geddit?

Fuck You wannabe race car driving bogans on the freeway trying to kill me in the rain.

Picture the scene. A slippery four lane freeway and not much visibility. A holden ute with the windows up being driven by some 20 year old wearing high vis smoking with one hand and driving with the other. YOU ARE NOT AN F1 RACE DRIVER. And even if you were, everyone else on the road is not. Peace the fuck out and save your showmanship for the slab you crack open with your other bogan mates tonight. Arsehole.

The End.

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  1. OMG, I love you, I think I have found my soul mate. Pity I’m married, my husband wouldn’t take too kindly to being ditch for someone funnier than him!

  2. You breathed “I am your mother” in a Darth Vader voice to your kid. That is hilarious!

    I have a few fuck yous and I think you should open them up to the public.

    Fuck you people that walk in groups side by side on the pavement so no one can pass. Just because you’re feeling leisurely doesn’t mean everyone else in the world has no where else to be

    Fuck you people that are walking on the pavement or in the supermarket in front of you and then stop suddenly without warning. I should walk in to you just to teach you a lesson. You actual idiot. Disclaimer: sometimes I actually do

    Fuck you Coles and Woolworths employees who, when I ask if there is more of a product out back, just start walking away from me. Supposedly towards out back. HELLO? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WAS THAT A YES? ARE YOU COMING BACK? HOW LONG AM I SUPPOSED TO WAIT HERE?

    Fuck you to the 3 Target employees in a row who told me that target doesn’t sell baskets. Um. Yes you fucking do. You have two whole aisles of them. Why did I have to discover that myself? What are they paying you your $3 an hour for?

    And fuck you to the Facebook crusaders of causes that they don’t actually do anything to actively support. I don’t actually want to see dismembered animals or slaughtered elephants on my news feed as I’m chowing down on dinner after a long day at work. If you care, why don’t you actually do something about it. Send money to a charity. Volunteer somewhere. Assist police in capturing the culprits. It’s gross.

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