I often need to take a quick trip up to Sydney for work purposes and usually the cheapest flights are with Tiger Air. They are relatively new to the scene, but legit enough that I will fly them and not worry about plummeting out of the sky in a fiery wreck.
Until this week.
My alarm went off at the unwelcome but not obscene time of 6am and I had a quick splash and kissed my kids goodbye. I had a dream run to the airport, arriving 1.5 hours before my flight was due to leave, which is unheard of for me as I am nearly always scrambling in there looking like a not-so-hot mess right at the last minute.
I sat down for a quick bite of a McToastie and Mc Crappaccino and began flicking through my copy of New Idea and catching up on the devastating details of the Blake & Louise Bachie divorce. I bit into my McToastie and my morning quickly descended into hell. I’d burnt the roof of my mouth with the too-hot tomato and sliced a good chunk of my palate off with the sharp sourdough bread. While I was holding the flap of skin from the roof of my mouth closed with my tongue I noticed that I should be boarding soon so I packed up and made my way to the gate.
As usual there was a 5km long queue of people waiting at the farthest gate in the airport. When I got to the front, the check in staff asked me to put my carry on bag on the scales and then shot me a death stare so fucking evil I thought my face was going to melt. I was 8.2 kilos instead of the required 7. I explained that it was the two bottles of water and magazines I had just purchased, but still I got ushered to a line of guilty looking people waiting to have their credit cards abused.
So I decided to fuck them right off.
I sat down in a chair and put on three shirts, tucked the two bottles of water I purchased (easily a kilo) into my back jean pockets, took out the magazines and my book and carried them back to the evil ones. I smiled. They did not. I tossed my bag on the scales again and I was only 6 kilos. FUCKING VINDICATED BITCHES!
But it was far from over. They pursed their badly painted lips together and sneered at me “No, we need you to weigh the book.” I popped it down on the scales and it’s tipped me over by 200gms. Yeah, it’s a pretty heavy book (gift for a client) but FUCK YOU.
They knew by now I am not to be messed with and I waited for their response. Nothing comes. “You are not going to do me for 200 fucking grams are you?” I asked, eyes flashing wildly.
“Your bag needs to weigh 7 kilos or less.” they spat.
Well. This incited a meltdown in me and I started waving the crazy finger and making a bit of a fucking scene. I was screaming at them saying I could eat the first few pages of the book and not be overweight. I suggested that I put some extra fucking socks on or shove my makeup bag down the arse crack of the guy in front of me (who, incidentally is probably twice me in weight and looks none too impressed with my suggestion). People are staring but I don’t fucking care, this is bullshit and I am calling them on it. Why is it that everyone else who are several feet taller than me, or several feet wider than me, or smuggling many extra kilos in constipated shit, allowed on while I stand here being treated like a fucking criminal? Eventually they relented and let me through.
“See You Next Tuesday.” I waved as I stormed through the gates.
This isn’t the only thing that pisses me off about Tiger Air. They have a website so aggravating that it will take you close to an hour to complete a booking. They preselect all sorts of shit from seat selection, insurance and queue jumping (seriously, who the fuck needs to pay to get on a plane first just to sit there in captivity longer??) until your original price has nearly doubled. By then you’ve invested so much time in this fucked up process that it doesn’t make sense to go back and double check all the other airlines and make sure you’ve got the best deal. They are simply con artists.
They will also charge you a $17.40 booking fee EACH WAY for paying with a credit card unless it’s a Mastercard Debit Card. There is no other way to pay! Assholes! I’ve tried fooling this system too by purchasing a pre paid Mastercard Debit Card from Coles, but they don’t accept that as they say it’s not Australian. FUCK YOU AGAIN. Last time I checked Coles was Australian, unless they purchase these cards off the fucking dark web. And don’t try calling Tiger as you’ll just be even more infuriated with the shit customer service on the phone.
The flight took over 2 hours . Once I was seated, we got pushed to the back of the take-off queue because Tiger are so cheap and shit they have no fucking runway rights. None. So if there is congestion (which there always is) you will have to wait there until there is a gap. By the time I arrived in Sydney I’d been travelling for 5 freaking hours and could have driven myself halfway there.
Fuck You, Tiger Airways. Fuck You for your stupid check-in bitches that quibble over a couple of bottles of water and some magazines. Fuck them for their bad Kardashian Kontouring makeup jobs and resting bitchy faces. They are just pissed they failed to be accepted as an International trolley dolly. And we all know that’s just a glamorous fuck-fest for staff and not a real career path. Fuck your crap website with immoral preselection tactics and for trying to fleece us again during the boarding process. Fuck your absence of runway rights meaning you sit there on the tarmac breathing in everyone else’s farts and morning breath for an extra hour and fuck your even more shit call centre. YOU SUCK.