Fuck You, THE END.

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There have been a few anniversaries for me recently, but today marks 1 year since one of my most notorious pieces went a little bit cray cray.

Through a misunderstanding or “Facebook glitch” as it’s often called, I was booted out of an online mothers group and Far Kew was born. Was started out as a silly joke kind of escalated after I got the shits and did a rant to end all rants. Am I proud of it? Um. I’m not sure that’s the right word. Would I write it now? No. Would I do it again if I knew what would happen? I’m not even sure I know the answer to that either.

What has happened over the last year still makes me laugh and shake my head. I didn’t start a blog on purpose. I didn’t set out with a goal to be writing to what has now become a pretty sizeable audience. But despite some pretty crappy negative experiences, this Fuck You Friday thing has brought me a lot of pleasure and has given me an opportunity to do something creative and outside of my regular professional career.  Way outside….!!

I’ve been told I shouldn’t talk about that fateful day again. That I will open old wounds and upset the apple cart once more. But Far Kew doesn’t like being told what she can and can’t do, so in the spirit of that post and the fact that laughing about stereotypical “Real Housewives of Wherever” is fun, let’s summarise some of the more cringe worthy traits.

YOU MIGHT BE A REAL HOUSEWIVE OF WHEREVER IF…….

 

1. You’ve done  humble cake brag. 

2. You shop for active wear in your active wear. Don’t forget the puffer vest. 

 

3. After sex (with your legs in the air) you register your zygote at every private school in the city. It can never be too soon. 
I knew I loved you before I met you. I shall name you….Ziggy. Love, Mum.
4. Your idea of 4 wheel driving is the climb back up Raglan Street, Mosman from Balmoral Beach in the Range Rover. That shit be steep!

5. You have a butlers pantry. Extra points if you had a stylist deck it out for you.

6. You feel deep personal pain if you do not find a Parking With Prams space at Chatswood Chase.

Especially on the champagne and cheese night when you do not have your kids with you. And you have made your feelings known with a spirited online argument about the wrong doing.  #socialjustice

7. This. Bonus points for paring them with white capri pants. 

8. You have a 7 figure mortgage.  

Now come and cry at me about the barrier to entry in Vaucluse. I triple dare you.

9. You wear riding boots and you don’t own a horse.

10. As far as you are concerned, Epping is an Upper North Western Suburb and you should be in Hills District Mums instead. THE END. 

11. You pack extra water and food in the SUV when you go to the new Macquarie Centre because it’s practically the outback. Shudder. 

12. Your toddler is in Mensa. They are unbelievably gifted and this was evident on your dating scan with the dildo cam.

13. You have typed the word “Emergency” in the same sentence as “Need a great cleaner”.  One that you can trust with the jewels. 

So, are you on the list? I can throw stones but the fact remains, I am no longer residing on the North Shore and Chadstone remains my closest decent shopping centre. So maybe I should shut the fuck up, get myself some silver sneakers from SEED and go steam my angry vagina. Because you can take the girl out of the North Shore…..

THE END

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