I am one of millions of Telstra customers who foolishly believed “You get what you pay for” when it comes to Telstra services. After all, they’ve spent years trying to convince us punters that their offering is superior to any other and that we must pay a savage premium to enjoy it.
Despite much more attractive deals from competitors, I stayed away from the likes of Optus and Vodafail because they simply aren’t up to scratch. Right? Telstra tells us so while they wave the little pen over the dotted line of their confusing contracts.
For years I’ve put up with the sub standard customer service and shitty overseas call centres so I could enjoy the faster internet speeds, better coverage, 4G network and ability to ditch my landline. I’ve moved house multiple times and each time dealing with Telstra is a fucking nightmare filled with tearful phone calls, technicians that don’t show up, and conflicting information. Every. Single. Time.
Telstra says….Pay us double. We are better. We own the network. We invest more.
Earlier this year Telstra suffered a massive network outage which they blamed on ONE GUY putting a plug into the wrong hole. I can think of only one other industry where putting something in the wrong hole is acceptable. And even then it’s borderline.
What the actual fuck! How the hell do they not have measures in place for this kind of monumental fuck up? I call bullshit, Telstra.
Last Thursday night when Telstra had it’s second outage this year I got to experience again what it was like to be back in 1985.
Picture this. I leave a meeting in South Melbourne to get into the city where I will meet a friend I met on a plane a few months earlier. I get an Uber which I book using the app. I call The Husband who cautions me not to be hacked up into little bits on the way to the dinner where he will later meet me. Benny the Uber dude smells nice and he looks like he knows where he is going. I am happy. All is well.
I use the Telstra phone to find my friend (who has flown in from Canada) using google maps. Clever little thing hey? Amazing.
We find a spot in a tiny bar and start chatting. I go to call The Husband again to tell him where I am and cannot get through. It takes a good while before I realise the entire network is down and I can’t do anything. No phone, no data, no texting. Loads of people are standing around banging on their screens trying to get something to happen.
The Husband spends the next few hours imagining me hacked up in tiny pieces as the last time he heard from me I was in an Uber. As far as he knows Benny the nice smelling Uber dude has poked my chopped remains down a drain hole and driven off. Or the random Canadian friend from the plane has conspired with Benny the nice smelling Uber dude and they’ve both taken half of my chopped remains and strewn them all across Melbourne in a murderous frenzy. His mind is racing. He sends me a TEXT MESSAGE FROM A FUCKING PAYPHONE. Which is totally fucking useless because it doesn’t let me ring or text back. And it cost him fifty cents when a tin can and a bit of string would have been more useful at this point.
To cut a long story short the next few hours are spent furiously cursing Telstra and realising our entire species is completely fucked without technology. The restaurant can’t even accept payment because Telstra own those landlines that the Eftpos machines run through. I am trying to tether my phone to my friends phone just to use viber to call other people and try to track him down. Epic fail. Epic.
Then yesterday it happens again! And the spokespeople from Telstra say the outage only lasted for an hour and affected 500,000 people. Bullshit!!! The knock on affect is huge. Businesses lose money, people can’t get through to their loved ones, plans go awry, I personally know one person who was stuck on the side of the road with a broken down car. And we get offered a free data day? Fuck you!
Fuck You Telstra for ruining my night out and making my husband think I was dead. You owe me hours in lost conversation and frustration. Fuck You for making us pay a premium when you can’t even deliver. Fuck You for your crap overseas call centres and shitty contracts. Fuck You for trying to charge me a $15 late payment fee which you are never fucking getting. Fuck You for your continued and undeserved monopoly on the industry in Australia. Fuck You for your overpaid executives and Fuck You for your “wrong hole”.