Fuck You, Starting School.

I’m now the  mother  of a school kid, I cannot bloody believe it!

I’m amazed for a number of reasons. The fact that my daughter is now 5 and in a school, and the fact that I managed to prepare her for this event BY MYSELF and didn’t fuck it up. Yet.

I guess I don’t have to tell you I am not the most organised person on the planet, I kind of thrive on organised chaos. But when you have to get a small child through the gates of a learning institution in time for a bell, you had  better have your shit together.

She breezed through these past few days as I knew she would, but some of the things I am hating most about the situation so far I have listed below, in no particular order.

Lunch Preparation.

Can someone say Bento Box? We all know I am a shit cook, and I am an even more shit lunchbox packer. There is no way I am making panda faced rice balls or carving ducks out of carrots, I simply don’t have the skills or the time.

But I did succumb to the YumBox which is actually a pretty cool way to make it look like you gave more fucks than you did. It even tells you what to put in there on the little compartments so you get the right balance of food groups. It was almost $40 but I reckon it was money well spent.










And if you missed my piss take on the whole bullshit world of bento box lunches, you can see it here.

School Drop Off.

You’ve got hundreds of cars dropping off hundreds of kids at the sametime and there seems to be only 25 parking spots. That’s fun. In the same way that jamming a couple of burning tyres up your ass is fun.

Contacting books.

Contacting books seems so old school in the same way that a phone with a ring where you put your finger in to dial is now just laughable. It was me, 16 exercise books and many, many, rolls of plastic wrap that just didn’t want to play. They look so bad the only option is to tell the teacher that my 5 year old did it.

Fuck. That. Shit.

Pretending to be cool.

This has nothing to do with my daughter and everything to do with me.

I am usually so busy with work that I have been a scoot in and scoot out kinda mum with the kindy days. Some days I didn’t even do the pick up. But now I am sans nanny, I’m thrown into the whole school gate gang and I am way out of my league.

You may be surprised to hear this but I am sometimes sort of shy.  I know! I feel like a social loser in group situations where I still sort of feel like the new girl on the block, having not lived in the area for all that long.

Thankfully I have a good poker face, and everyone has been lovely. So far so good. Some of them even know I sell anonymous dildos and rant about trivial shit  on the internet and they still talk to me. Winning.

My school crew are NOTHING like this bunch. Thank god.

So although I don’t know if I labelled everything correctly and Melbourne decided to be 18 degrees on the first day when all I got was summer stuff, I think I smashed week one.

My kid is delirious with joy and oblivious to the fact that I am scared shitless  about my ability to get it all right for her.  So I’ll keep my poker face on while I navigate this important milestone, and perhaps break out my copy of Mrs Woogs book Primary School Confidential to bone up on what’s to come.


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