Fuck You, Starting School.

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I’m now the  mother  of a school kid, I cannot bloody believe it!

I’m amazed for a number of reasons. The fact that my daughter is now 5 and in a school, and the fact that I managed to prepare her for this event BY MYSELF and didn’t fuck it up. Yet.

I guess I don’t have to tell you I am not the most organised person on the planet, I kind of thrive on organised chaos. But when you have to get a small child through the gates of a learning institution in time for a bell, you had  better have your shit together.

She breezed through these past few days as I knew she would, but some of the things I am hating most about the situation so far I have listed below, in no particular order.

Lunch Preparation.

Can someone say Bento Box? We all know I am a shit cook, and I am an even more shit lunchbox packer. There is no way I am making panda faced rice balls or carving ducks out of carrots, I simply don’t have the skills or the time.

But I did succumb to the YumBox which is actually a pretty cool way to make it look like you gave more fucks than you did. It even tells you what to put in there on the little compartments so you get the right balance of food groups. It was almost $40 but I reckon it was money well spent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And if you missed my piss take on the whole bullshit world of bento box lunches, you can see it here.

School Drop Off.

You’ve got hundreds of cars dropping off hundreds of kids at the sametime and there seems to be only 25 parking spots. That’s fun. In the same way that jamming a couple of burning tyres up your ass is fun.

Contacting books.

Contacting books seems so old school in the same way that a phone with a ring where you put your finger in to dial is now just laughable. It was me, 16 exercise books and many, many, rolls of plastic wrap that just didn’t want to play. They look so bad the only option is to tell the teacher that my 5 year old did it.

Fuck. That. Shit.

Pretending to be cool.

This has nothing to do with my daughter and everything to do with me.

I am usually so busy with work that I have been a scoot in and scoot out kinda mum with the kindy days. Some days I didn’t even do the pick up. But now I am sans nanny, I’m thrown into the whole school gate gang and I am way out of my league.

You may be surprised to hear this but I am sometimes sort of shy.  I know! I feel like a social loser in group situations where I still sort of feel like the new girl on the block, having not lived in the area for all that long.

Thankfully I have a good poker face, and everyone has been lovely. So far so good. Some of them even know I sell anonymous dildos and rant about trivial shit  on the internet and they still talk to me. Winning.

My school crew are NOTHING like this bunch. Thank god.

So although I don’t know if I labelled everything correctly and Melbourne decided to be 18 degrees on the first day when all I got was summer stuff, I think I smashed week one.

My kid is delirious with joy and oblivious to the fact that I am scared shitless  about my ability to get it all right for her.  So I’ll keep my poker face on while I navigate this important milestone, and perhaps break out my copy of Mrs Woogs book Primary School Confidential to bone up on what’s to come.

THE END

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    I’m going to mention one key product that can help. If you want to check it out in advance of the reading, you can view it here:
    Aloe Toxin Rid (old style) detoxification shampoo
    I’ll cover everything you need to know about beating a hair drug test. I’ll talk about the two main methods people use, and give you all the details you need to know about how drug toxins are retained in your hair.
    As well as discussing drug toxin removal methods, I’ll talk to you about success stories from people passing hair follicle tests, including my own story of using the Macujo method a couple of years ago (I’m a daily weed smoker).
    How Long Do Drug Metabolites Stay In Your Hair?
    The bad news is that drug metabolites stay in your hair for the length of time that the hair is on your head.
    It usually takes several days for drug metabolites to appear in the hair. They get trapped within the hair shaft as it’s developed and grows within the hair follicle. So,
    The good news is that only the most recent 90 days of hair growth can be tested. So, with an average growth length of half an inch per month, they can sample the most recent (closest to the scalp) 1.5 inches of hair that they take from the sample.
    So, if you haven’t taken any drugs in the past 90 days , then it really doesn’t matter how many drug metabolites are contained in the older hair as this will never the sampled.
    If you’re bald or have very short hair then they can take a sample from elsewhere on your body. Body hair grows slower, so they just take a proportionately shorter length to match the 90 day testing legality.
    Here’s What Happens During A Hair Follicle Drug Test
    A hair follicle drug test is the same as any other drug test in regards to you just going along and submitting a sample.
    In this case, it’s a sample from your hair, with the process as follows:
    1. They will collect a sample from your hair, taking around 100 strands from different areas. They will cut right to the scalp with a special tool in order to ensure that they get the latest and full 90 days history.
    2. Your sample is put into a bag, usually made of foil or similar, which is sealed to protect it from contamination. It’s then either mailed off, or processed on the premises you visited.
    3. Using a process called ELISA , your sample is checked for up to 12 substances, including all the main one such as cocaine, amphetamines, and opiates.
    4. If it’s a negative sample then you’re here back quite quickly, often within 48 hours. If something is wrong and it has to go for a full gas chromatography – mass spectrometry analysis, it could be a day or so longer. Note also that the GC-MS analysis will rule out false positives from things like hemp and poppy seeds, so if it gets to that level of scrutiny then you will have no excuses left to give.
    Methods That Won’t Beat A Hair Strand Test
    These are the methods that are often talked about, but that definitely will not remove drug toxins from within the hair shaft:
    • Bleaching
    • Shaving your hair
    • Vinegar or other acids
    • All “hair follicle” drug shampoos
    Just to address the hair-shaving thing. Some crazy people have gone to their drug test having shaved every hair on their body, including the eyebrows!
    Obviously, this is a sign of guilt anyway. But they will just do a urine sample instead, or potentially fail you and leave you to explain to the person commissioning the test why you suddenly shaved your entire body.
    The problem with trying to pass a hair drug test is that you have to achieve the following things:
    1. You have to open up the hair shaft. The shaft of hair is covered in layers of little scales called cuticles. You have to open up the cuticle layer.
    2. Drug metabolites get stuck between the cuticle layer and the cortex beneath it. Once you’ve opened up the cuticles, you have to flush out the toxins completely.
    3. Once you’ve flushed out all the drug toxins (which is actually impossible using any single method just one time), you then have to close up the cuticle layer again so that the hair doesn’t get damaged.
    The Problem With The “Jerry G” Method
    There are two main methods for passing hair drug test that has a track record of passing. One is called the Macujo method, and the other is the Jerry G method. Although they have similarities, the Jerry G method is more invasive.
    The Jerry G method uses to lots of ammonia bleach to open up the hair shaft and help get rid of the toxins.
    The Jerry G method can leave your hair and scalp burnt and damaged if you are not careful. I’ve read stories of people suffering injuries, and having bald patches, due to overdoing the Jerry G method.
    Remove Metabolites From Hair Just Using Aloe Toxin Rid Shampoo
    Aloe Toxin Rid is the best detoxification shampoo. It was actually never designed for getting drug metabolites out of the hair though.
    About 20 years ago, a company called Nexxus created Aloe Rid shampoo. It was designed for getting rid of free radicals, and helping people who had lots of contamination in the hair.
    But it was too effective and actually caused irritation of the scalp for some people. But as a side effect, it was found by people trying to pass drug test that it had the ability to take the drug toxins out of the hair.
    On its own though, it’s not that effective, and you would have to use it a lot of times if you are anything more than a very moderate drug user.
    So, that’s why it’s a crucial ingredient of the Macujo method. If you really want to learn how to pass a hair follicle drug test, then you have to look at the Macujo method as the only way to do it comprehensively.
    The Macujo method uses a range of ingredients to open up the cuticle layer, flush out the toxins, and then leave the hair in good condition without burning the hair or scalp.
    Macujo Method: Full Seven Day Course Instructions
    You should do the Macujo method once per day for seven days, so a total of seven times running through this set of instructions I’m now going to give you.
    If you have less time, then do it twice per day where needed. Try and always run through the Macujo method seven days before your drug test if you possibly can.
    The full instructions for each run-through are:
    1. Get your ingredients together. You will need the following:
    • Aloe Toxin Rid shampoo
    • Zydot Ultra Klean shampoo
    • Clean & Clear Pink shampoo (or similar salicylic shampoo)
    • Tide liquid laundry detergent (or similar)
    • Good quality white vinegar (Heinz or similar)
    • Rubber gloves
    • Swimming goggles
    • Clingfilm
    2. Before you start, you need to remove any toxin contamination. That means stopping taking drugs. It also means washing your clothes, washing your hair, and completing the Macujo method in a room where there won’t be any drug contamination. Also, keep away from cannabis smoke, and other situations where stray drug toxins could get attached to your clothes or body.
    3. The first step of each run-through of the Macujo method is to get yourself in front of a large sink or bath with plenty of hot water. Put on the rubber gloves
    4. Wet your hair thoroughly, then massage a good palm full of vinegar into your hair and scalp. Really work it in. It may start to sting after a few minutes.
    5. Once you’ve worked the vinegar in, the next step is to then work in a palm-sized amount of Clean & clear Pink shampoo. Again, really work it in and focus on the roots of the hair and scalp.
    6. Don’t wash the shampoo will vinegar out. Instead, wrap your head tightly in clingfilm. This ensures that every strand of hair comes into contact with the mixture for a prolonged time. It will sting, but it’s important you tolerate it for as long as you can.
    7. Wait 30 minutes (or as close to it as possible if it stings too much) and then wash everything out with plenty of warm water.
    8. The next step is to use Aloe Toxin Rid shampoo. Use a small palm-sized amount and really work it into the hair and scalp as before. Leave it on for five minutes and then rinse thoroughly with clean water.
    9. Repeat the Aloe Toxin Rid step again. Having opened up the cuticle layer, the Aloe Toxin Rid used twice really gets to work at drawing the toxins out from under the cuticle layer.
    10. This is the step that will definitely need the goggles, as you don’t want to get detergent into your eyes. You are going to apply a small palm-sized amount of liquid detergent to the hair and work it in thoroughly. You will keep doing this until your hair is really squeaky when you rub your fingers through it. Then, wash it out completely with lots of water.
    11. This is the last step, which you only do once after the last time you run through the Macujo method. This will obviously be the time just before your drug test. If you do the last Macujo method run through the night before your test, do this step about one hour before you leave on the day of your test.
    You’re going to use ZyHeading 2dot Ultra clean to clean your hair thoroughly. Wash out plenty of warm water. Then, to avoid contaminants, make sure you use a fresh comb or brush, put on clean clothes, and leave to do your drug test immediately to really minimize the risk of stray toxins attaching to the hair.
    Success Stories Of Passing Hair Follicle Drug Tests
    If you do it right, you can have success with this method, and any full Macujo Method review should tell you about successes and failures.
    Failure will come if you don’t run it through enough times before your test. If you only have three days before your test, do it twice per day. That’s six times, and pretty close to 7.
    I wouldn’t advise you do this more than twice per day, because it could start to cause damage. Just focus on trying to get the time to run through it seven times in advance.
    You’ll find plenty of success stories online, but in terms of success stories for passing a hair follicle drug test, I can assure you of my own.
    It was two years ago, and it was for an internal promotion to management. Excuse the pun, but they wanted to weed out drug problems, so we knew in advance that applicants would be hair-drug tested.
    I ran through the Macujo method seven times, once per day in the lead up my drug test. I also stopped smoking weed, cleaned my place up, washed all my clothes, bought a new hairbrush, and kept away from my friends during that time as well to avoid contamination.
    It worked like a charm, and I passed my drug test with ease. It’s definitely the best way to remove metabolites from hair.
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    Old-style Aloe Toxin Rid has discontinued years ago. It’s made by Testclear, a highly reputable drug test avoidance product company, who recreated the original formula though. Because it’s a specialist, it’s not cheap. A single bottle will cost you $235 . But, it’s the only way to pass a hair follicle drug test.
    You can also get Zydot Ultra clean from them as well. That costs just $35. So it is quite a large financial outlay, but you really do have no other choice if you want to pass a hair drug test.
    Hair Follicle Drug Test FAQ
    How is a hair follicle drug test performed?
    The person conducting the test will take around 100 strands of hair from your head. These samples will be taken from different areas of the head. This is both to ensure you don’t get a bald patch, and you get an even overall sample taken. Then, the sample is sealed to avoid contamination, and is sent for testing.
    It will then undergo an ELISA analysis. If any issues are highlighted, or drug metabolite signals are found, then it will go for a full gas chromatography – mass spectrometry analysis to rule out any problems with false positives, and give a full and detailed breakdown of the sample.
    Can you clean your hair for follicle test?
    It is perfectly possible to clean your hair to pass a hair follicle test. It’s called the Macujo method, and it involves several steps to open up the hard cuticle layer on the top of each hair shaft, flush out drug toxins and then close them up again.
    How accurate is a hair follicle drug test?
    Hair follicle drug tests are highly accurate. If you have taken any substance in the past 90 days, it will 100% be picked up by a hair follicle drug test. There is absolutely no way to avoid getting caught unless you follow the Macujo method to flush out the drug toxins before the test.
    What shows up in a hair follicle drug test?
    The substances detected will vary slightly depending on the provider. LabCorp standard drug testing looks for amphetamines/methamphetamines, marijuana, cocaine, opiates, PCP. Therefore, it is basically the same as a standard urine five panel drug test. But it’s important to note that additional panels can be added, in the same way as they can for urine testing, all the way up to the usual 12 panels/substances (although the maximum is usually 14 panels and alcohol detection).
    How far back does a hair follicle drug test check?
    A sample of around 100 strands of hair will be collected from your head. If they can’t collect a sample from your head, they will collect a sample of body hair, which grows slower and records the same history. Your drug taking history will be trapped in the entirety of the hair. But legally only the most recent 90 days of hair growth can be checked. For the hair on the head, this equates to about 1.5 inches. So it doesn’t matter how long the sample is, or how many drugs you have taken more than 90 days ago, it’s the last 90 days which matter.
    How much does a hair follicle drug test cost?
    In the USA, the basic five panel hair drug test costs around $125. The price then goes up proportionately with panels added, with the 12 panel test currently costing around $375. There is a 14 panel test which is rarely used, and that can cost as much as $450, especially if alcohol testing is also included.
    Where to buy an at home hair follicle drug test?
    You need to buy a hair drug test that has a good level of cut-off, meaning a sensitive test that will detect at similar levels to professional drug testing. A hair test has to be sent off to be analyzed, so the price is higher than a urine test which can be conducted by you. From Test Clear, a reputable drug test avoidance product company, the basic hair follicle postal test costs $60.

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