Fuck You, Smells of Parenthood.

Man I love my kids. I would die for them without a second thought. But far out, being a mum is tainted with some pretty fucked up fragrances isn’t it?

My three year old proudly told me this morning that her bed smelled like wee. When I questioned her about it she said “If you lift up the blankets the wee smell is under them.” A little more super sleuthing later (involving much sniffing of sheets) and we discovered absolutely nothing. The wee was in the nappy and the bed was bone dry.

I’ve got a nose like a Basset Hound and I’m very proud of it. If I smell something funky, I will get right up into the supposed source and try and sniff it out, much to The Husbands chagrin. Why do I do it? Because some smells are not as obvious as a chopped off log in the hallway. Some smells are secret smells, they like to hide and pounce on you a week or two later once they’ve had a chance to marinate. Like that bottle of milk that has rolled under the car seat.

I’m almost 4 years into being a mum and I would like to list the most foul fragrances of motherhood that any parent will relate to.

That bottle of milk that rolled under the car seat.

Oh boy. You know what I am talking about. The bottle of EBM or Formula that has somehow wedged itself down the side of the cot, under the car seat or under the couch to hibernate for at least a week. In the sun. In the middle of summer. It has turned into a thick, creamy, chunky substance not unlike ricotta cheese. AND IT FUCKING STINKS. Like nothing you have ever smelled in your life. A tip for the uninitiated, you will NEVER get the smell out of that bottle so CHUCK IT THE FUCK OUT. There is simply no other solution. I’ve been close to blowing chunks down the sink when I’ve lifted the lid on one of these ones. It will permeate the plastic and you’ll never be quite the same person you were before you smelled it. Even if you bought your fancy BPA/Phthalate free bottles from a posh shop in an upper-crust suburb and they were $50 each, CHUCK THAT SHIT OUT.

Teething Poo.

All baby and kid shit stinks, but teething poo is simply the worst. It’s like it’s mixed with ammonia, burnt hair, poison and that possum you drove over once that got stuck up on the inside of the car. It’s another stench that will permeate the skin of your little darling, but with the added sadness of not being able to chuck it the fuck out. You’ll probably need half a bottle of Solvol to get the smell off your hands too, because  it’s lava-like consistency means you’ll have been likely to get it on the side of your hand. Don’t try and wash the babies arse with Solvol. As logical as that might seem, you will go to jail.

Vomit.

This starts from birth if you’ve got a chucker. My second womb raider was a magnificent barfer and The Husband and I spent our days stinking of baby spew which gets more and more unpleasant as they grow older.  I considered starting my own perfume line with the first fragrance being Eau Du Mum. It smells like vomit and stale breastmilk from the underside of your boobs. You know, the pool that sits between your boobs at the bottom of your feeding singlet and doesn’t get cleaned nearly as often as it should. It’s got undertones of sour with upper notes of FUCKED.

Many suggested I make a T-shirt design out of this one.
Many suggested I make a T-shirt design out of this one.

Gastro Spew.

If you get a gastro bug in the household, you’ll enjoy having to clean up spew from every crevice of the cot, kid, walls and floor. It will not be a tame little puddle, it will have flown across the room in a dramatic spray, so you will need a bulk pack of Pine O Cleen to get rid of it. I had to sand back the walls near my daughters bed once it was that bad. And you can place a bet that the night they start looking like the kid from The Exorcist, they’ve eaten spaghetti bolognese so the redecorating is like Pro Hart on fucking crack in the morning. Yikes.

Motion sickness spew.

You’ve got a chucker and they are too young to give any medications to. You think driving to the snow to take a bazillion photos of them making a snowman is going to be the best day of your life. You are so fucking wrong it’s hysterical. I spent one of the worst days of my life last year catching pile after pile of spew into my hand as we foolishly attempted the windy drive to the snow play day. Not even Frosty’s carrot dick will make you laugh after this.

Do you wanna build a snowman…..

Wet undies you find in the daycare bag 3 weeks later.

Sometimes I forget to fully unpack the daycare bag and I find that little wet satchel of undies that have been left to fester for weeks. The most intense smell of concentrated urine is enough to make your nose hairs burn. In the chuck it the fuck out pile.

Stink Finger. Kids pick their arse. It happens. Just don’t fall for the “smell my finger trick”.

There are more to add to this list and I know I’m not going to be out of the woods for a while, plus once they can both wipe their own arse I will get teenage odours and other crazy stuff.

I CAN’T WAIT.

Do you have a smell you’d like to add to the list?

THE END.

Liked it? Then like the Fuck You Friday page or I’ll give you a Solvol hand-job.

1,210 comments

  1. Fairly sure there is a apple fermenting somewhere in my house. I’m trying to find it, but to no avail 🙁

  2. The smell of pubescent boys in a small car before they’ve discovered the heady joys of Lynx bodyspray after a hot day at school – especially if they LOVE sport at lunch. The smell of pubescent boys in a small car after they’ve discovered the joys of Lynx bodyspray after a hot day at school – especially if they LOVE sport at lunch. And the smell of their soccer bags that they keep their unwashed socks and shinpads in at the end of the six month soccer season. It honestly smells like all the male tom cats in the city have converged just to pee in that bag. Oh, and the toilet when boys are learning to pee standing up and they have a poor sense of direction.

  3. Oh there’s also the ‘we forgot about the wet bathers from swimming lessons from like a week ago’ smell!
    You usually don’t find them until the day of the next swimming lesson…
    I actually think a t-shirt design based on that spectacular baby spew would be hilarious and amazing and I’d buy it for every new parent I know!

  4. The fart under the duvet when he’s snuggled close to me. Always in winter when the bed is warm. Yummy.

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