Fuck You, small but insanely painful injuries.

It wouldn’t be Friday without some kind of drama to befall your friend Far Kew. But today I am wishing that I didn’t court disaster,  for I have spent the morning at the local Dr’s surgery having actual surgery on the worlds most embarrassing ailment. My injury? I had a dried up soba noodle lodged under my fingernail.

I shit you not.

I made soba noodles for dinner and one got dried up on the pot. So to help clean it, I scraped it with my fingernail and the fucker went in so deep I couldn’t remove it. Cue worst pain since childbirth. This is the sort of torture they used in POW camps, it FUCKING HURT LIKE A BITCH.

The Husband tried to do a home operation, but It was fruitless. And I didn’t make the case any easier by screaming like I had octuplets crowning simultaneously.

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The nurses had a bit of a chuckle when I told them what had happened, and who can blame them? It’s the worlds most stupid accident. I guess it gave them a bit of light relief from boring cases of Christmas food poisoning, gastro and Man Flu.

It became clear that I needed some surgical assistance, so they got to work numbing my finger and chopping my nail open to scrape out the bit of dried noodle.

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Of course, even through my tears I was thinking of you lot and how everyone would need a blow by blow account of my gruesome start to the day.

You’re very fucking welcome.

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What I want to know is this. Why do such tiny injuries hurt so much? Why is there a need for more nerve endings in easily damaged parts of our anatomy? Take paper cuts for example, they hurt like a mofo! A mouth ulcer can really ruin your day and a bump to the nose can bring you to your knees.

Fuck You Soba Noodles! Fuck your ability to dry out and become so hard you become like a needle able to penetrate my entire fucking nail bed! Who the hell has time for this sort of shit! Thanks for ruining my Friday and probably the next week too. YOU SUCK.

Have you got a ridiculous injury story to share with me? End my misery and humiliate yourself publicly for my amusement. Please.

THE END

 

 

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6 Comments Add yours

  1. Cilla says:

    Burns on the fingers can eat a bag of dicks too. But lol. Thankyou for the action shots, too. Happy new year FYF. Have a fucking good one eh?

    1. Far Kew says:

      Thanks Cilla! And yes, burns are super duper painful!

  2. Norman says:

    OH DAMN …. AND OUCH!! Hope it all heals quickly! You need that finger to give folks the bird!!

    1. Far Kew says:

      It would be my most used finger!

  3. Fem says:

    My husband once spent quite a long time outlining how much pain he was in from a paper cut, while I was in my third trimester of pregnancy. I was not amused!

    At lrast having squeezed out a couple of babies you’ve earned the right to complain about paper cuts 😉

  4. Tania says:

    I was recently describing a very similar injury that happened to me as a child. But it was a splinter into my thumb nail bed. (The piece of wood lodged itself under my nail as I was rescuing a ball out from under a school portable). The principle removed it. With what? I have no idea. They didn’t let me watch. I’m impressed they managed to cut away your nail. I still have a bump in my nail bed to this day.

    I’m way impressed that you weaponised a soba noodle.

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