Dear Slow Walkers
I love that you like family time and feel the need to spread your entire clan six-across blocking my path. I love that you like chatting to your old school friend who you haven’t seen for ages at the top of the escalator whilst people pour off to the side of you. I love that you simply can’t decide between McDonalds or Sumo Salad in the food court and you need a group hug to calm the nerves, in a giant circle, once again blocking my path. I love that after receiving a parking fine yesterday, you threw me into further despair by walking so super slowly in front of me that I looked like I was going to win gold in Dodgeball at the fucking Rio Olympics trying to find a gap. Except Dodgeball isn’t an Olympic sport is it. Well it should be now, because I would win ALL the gold.
You are the same asshole that I see taking the travelator at the airport and then standing motionless on it with your big ass luggage beside you. You obviously didn’t wear your FitBit that day because how fucking lazy can one be? You can rename it LazyShitBit if you get on that travelator again and stand still. I bet you are also the type that hits the lift button multiple times in case it makes it go faster.
In fact, I bet it was you taking your sweet ass time crossing at the traffic lights when the red man was already flashing. Here is another flash for you sunshine. THE RED FUCKING MAN WAS FLASHING. That means you need to hurry the hell up and walk with farking purpose! You tend to pull this shit at the set of lights that only lets one or two cars through at a time.
Was it you that walked into the lift and then simply stopped in the doorway with your back to me, so I had to almost enter your bum hole just to squeeze myself in?
This was my face. This is what you make me do while I wait for you to work out what you’ve done.
Fuck you slow walkers. Fuck your uncanny ability to make me go crazy when I’ve got the least amount of time available. Fuck your ability to weave from side to side so I look like a lunatic just trying to find my spot to pass. Fuck your paper-doll family arrangement where everyone is merrily holding hands and just loving the unity when other people have places to go. I’m not always this impatient. But when you have as little free time as me, I simply do not have the time to wait for your slow walking that only belongs on a beach. I don’t care if you found Pikachu, long lost friends or you are stopping to vape. Get the hell out of my way.
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