Fuck You, Slow Walkers.

Dear Slow Walkers

I love that you like family time and feel the need to spread your entire clan six-across blocking my path. I love that you like chatting to your old school friend who you haven’t seen for ages at the top of the escalator whilst people pour off to the side of you. I love that you simply can’t decide between McDonalds or Sumo Salad in the food court and you need a group hug to calm the nerves, in a giant circle, once again blocking my path. I love that after receiving a parking fine yesterday, you threw me into further despair by walking so super slowly in front of me that I looked like I was going to win gold in Dodgeball at the fucking Rio Olympics trying to find a gap. Except Dodgeball isn’t an Olympic sport is it. Well it should be now, because I would win ALL the gold.

davidjonesslowwalker
This is a prime specimen of a slow walker with toooo much time. Note the weaving so you won’t be able to take a gap.
You are the same asshole that I see taking the travelator at the airport and then standing motionless on it with your big ass luggage beside you. You obviously didn’t wear your FitBit that day because how fucking lazy can one be? You can rename it LazyShitBit if you get on that travelator again and stand still. I bet you are also the type that hits the lift button multiple times in case it makes it go faster.

5SecondsApp

In fact, I bet it was you taking your sweet ass time crossing at the traffic lights when the red man was already flashing. Here is another flash for you sunshine. THE RED FUCKING MAN WAS FLASHING. That means you need to hurry the hell up and walk with farking purpose! You tend to pull this shit at the set of lights that only lets one or two cars through at a time.

traffic lights

Was it you that walked into the lift and then simply stopped in the doorway with your back to me, so I had to almost enter your bum hole just to squeeze myself in?

This was my face. This is what you make me do while I wait for you to work out what you’ve done.

lift

Fuck you slow walkers. Fuck your uncanny ability to make me go crazy when I’ve got the least amount of time available. Fuck your ability to weave from side to side so I look like a lunatic just trying to find my spot to pass. Fuck your paper-doll family arrangement where everyone is merrily holding hands and just loving the unity when other people have places to go. I’m not always this impatient. But when you have as little free time as me, I simply do not have the time to wait for your slow walking that only belongs on a beach. I don’t care if you found Pikachu, long lost friends or you are stopping to vape. Get the hell out of my way.

THE END

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704 comments

  1. Travelators are the best. The sloths are missing out. It’s like you’re fly walking. Incredible feeling.
    Supermarket Sweep gave me anxiety. I always wanted to flat out push the empty trolley down the isle and tip the whole shelving over to fill it.

    I despise slow walkers too. So much. But I have to confess, I probs have been one. Infact I know I’ve been one and I felt the shame when the fast walker was annoyed by me. Im like, dude, sorry, I know, I deserve to die with my slow walking.
    And Neverending story 2. You cant remake that shit. The monsters were made out of cardboard and there was a silly bitch dancing in swirly cloth that really got me spitting at the tv.

    1. Exactly on the travelators! It’s like when you walk next to a train that just started moving. The best!
      They murdered The Neverending Story. I felt Batreyu’d!

  2. Yes! Far kew slow walkers! My family of five prefers a 2,1,2 combination, we husband and I each wrangle a boy (aged 3 and 5) with my daughter in between so we can keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn’t do anything stupid like fall into oncoming traffic! As an Australian living in Budapest for the past year I’d also like to give a shoutout to the tourists, Far kew with your selfie sticks and big ass cameras around your neck’s stopping all foot traffic whilst you take a million fucking selfies along the Danube river. If they haven’t deleted them already, my fat pastry filled ass (Hungarian pastries are the fucking best!) is in hundreds of tourists photos and I don’t bloody care. All I have left to say now is Bassza meg! (far kew in Hungarian!) and keep telling it like it is!

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