Fuck You, Real Estate Ads.

I’m house hunting again, but this time for something to buy.  And unfortunately because of the crazy marketplace here in Australia, I am searching for the “renovators dream” due to the funds that will not allow the Taj FarKew just yet.

How is one meant to get excited about finding a dump that is at your upper buying limit? It’s a tad depressing let me tell you. But even more depressing are the misleading real estate photos that add colour, character and most of all SIZE to even the most unsightly abodes.  And the descriptions don’t help either, “Original Beauty” is to Real Estate agents what “Ample cleavage” is to the Daily Mail. It’s all so fucking predictable and very often not anything like the house you eventually visit.

In essence, it’s a lie. A big, fat, dirty fucking lie that we suckers end up paying through the nose for. I think I’m already over this and I’ve barely begun. Perhaps I should go and live in a yurt, but even those are expensive now, because GLAMPING. Ugh.

I wish I could use real photos of the shitholes I’ve been looking at over the past few weeks, but it could be seen to be perverting the course of justice.  So, I’ve made up a house that pretty much matches up to the horrors that await me this weekend.

Check it out.

3 Turd Boulevard, Crapsville.

Renovate or Detonate!

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Behind the generous facade, this quaint charmer truly delivers. Bringing the outside in, prepare to relax and unwind in your private oasis, with no (living) neighbours to disturb the tranquility. Set in a disused tip private court location, this home boasts 2-7 bedrooms with a flexible floor plan that will delight your squatters guests.

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Beckoning you from the decorative hallway, the generous living room will indulge the senses, with it’s vast cock-shaped church window evoking visions of fertility. Close your eyes and realise it’s actually a dick shaped window let this unique property truly flourish inside the imagination of it’s new owners

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Once inside the huge double bedroom you will be reminded of that time you had a party and your friends made a bonfire out of the dining room setting the flexible floor plan and ability to generate a second income from 18 exchange students crammed into this one shitty bedroom Air BnB.

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Commanding attention is the central living room which has to be seen to be believed. Transporting you to that time you had a bad trip and spewed for 3 days a bygone era, the huge 8x4m space is a prime example of olde world interior design amazonian vomit landslide, ready for your personal touch.

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The second bedroom can be used as guest accommodation or a separate sunroom. With a highly sought after north facing position and only half a wall, this true double  has been freshly painted allowing it’s new owner to simply move in and enjoy the fart soaked curtains sweeping vista views.

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This property also features an innovative space-saving bathroom with a self composting toilet and hardwood seat.

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An oversized third bedroom features a fucking heavy TV that are no longer made because they are so dangerous home theatre, perfect for snuggling up on those cold winter nights and taking in hard-core porn a film.

Outside you are spoiled for choice. Enjoy the easy care gardens and crime scene tennis court, or pave your way to a new beginning. The choice is yours!

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Sure to impress is the sparkling above ground pool made out of reclaimed goon bags which will provide endless memories over the summer months.

Inspection is a MUST. Properties like this come along once in a lifetime in this tightly-held pocket of Crapsville.

Make it yours today by calling Tulio Utter-Douche on 1300 -FUCK-MY-LIFE

THE END

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One Comment Add yours

  1. Kath says:

    Yes! It’s funny (and frustrating) because it’s true. Seriously, real estate agents must have to take the “Spinning Bullshit 101” class in order to be a registered agent!

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