F*ck You, Random Things You (Shouldn’t) Put In Your Fanny.

Fanny, Gash, Muff, Beaver, Bat Cave, Vajayjay, Beef Curtains, Badly Packed Kebab, Pussy, Snatch, Foo Foo, Front Bottom, Bearded Oyster. There are dozens of creative names for the humble vagina, which is enjoying an alarming resurgence in popularity as a place to jam foreign objects for no good reason.

In simpler times, the vagina was a place of virtue. It was generally not bothered by random paraphernalia unless it was a penis, a finger, a tampon, or for the more adventurous, a dildo. Or occasionally a speculum (shudder). Sometimes a baby came out of it, but as far as things going in, the choice was limited. Those were good times. Easy times. Times to look back on with fondness.

Fast forward to 2017 and there is a multitude of things you can put inside it to jazz things up a bit. Ms V-Steam, Gwyneth Paltrow, swears by the jade egg  which was used by ancient Chinese royalty for fuck knows what. Gwynnie’s friend and “beauty guru”, Shiva Rose, explains that most of us use our Yoni (sacred place) as a “psychic trash bin”. Uh huh. So jamming a piece of rock up there and wandering about doing your daily chores can fix all that. Makes sense.

Because you need to see an illustration of the madness. Source: Goop.com

Then there was the “Vagina Knitter”. The Melbourne artist who sat and made a scarf out of wool she had poked up her hairy taco. She even kept knitting when the, erm, salsa was present. If you haven’t seen the video, you can view it below. It’s a little long, but that’s because this shit takes a lot of explaining.

Now, the object du jour is a ground-up wasp nest. You read correctly. Oak galls are a roundish ball that are being ground up and inserted into vaginas across the globe. They occur naturally when a certain type of wasp lays an egg under the bark of an oak tree. The stimulation of the bark creates the ball that is being heralded by at least three insane people as the latest way to tighten and rejuvenate your lady garden.

It’s origins are steeped in history. Ancient people used them to clean the vagina after childbirth, tighten the vagina and eliminate vaginal odour. Ancient people also shat in the street, died of nothing in particular and killed each other with blunt instruments. So with all things being equal, it’s probably not going to end well if you try it.

We will keep your meat trench buzzin.

There is even a device called Baby Pod which is basically a speaker you can chuck up the vagina during the “dry period” where a dick is seldom seen. Yes, I’m talking about when you are pregnant and don’t want to poke your impending spawn in the eye with a willy. Now, you can play music to your foetus so it comes out all smart n’ stuff.

Having not discovered this until now, I wonder if I have harmed my two kids by not providing them with music in utero via my cervix. Shit, I sent the 4 year old to Kinder last week with a banned organic juice, what will they think of me?

I shall name you…..Mozart Van Foo Fighter. Source: www.babypod.net

Chuck in the cucumber cleanse to this list of insanity and I’m starting to get really concerned that we are plundering our sacred spaces with too much random shit! I mean, why do we have to mess around with our love tunnels? Why? Medical advances tell us it’s a self cleaning, self tightening, self serving nest of wonder. Why stick ground-up wasp bits and cucumbers and wool and hand knitted tampons (I’m looking at you Etsy) and sound systems and fucking jade eggs inside it?

It’s not a fucking skip people. It’s a vagina. I think we need to lay off the weird shit and just get on with our lives the way nature intended.

THE END

Ever stuck something up your axe wound that you instantly regretted? Do share.

 

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