My oldest Womb Raider who is now 4 had the biggest meltdown I have ever seen the other day. I actually thought I might have to call an ambulance, that’s how fucking nuts she went.
It started off pretty innocently. She’s been seeing these ads for something called “Poopin’ Pup” which is a toy dog that you feed plastic “treats” to and then it shits them out when you take it for a walk. So she starts begging every time this damn ad comes on, “Mum, can I PLEASE go out and buy Poopin Pup? PLEAAAAAAASSSSEEEEE?”
I told her we already had two dogs and that she was welcome to go and feed them treats and take a bag for the 8 million brown land mines in the backyard. Knock yourself out sunshine, go crazy, this is the game that never ever ends.
I said that we weren’t going anywhere near the shops that day, that she would need to save up and be really good, or that perhaps the Easter Bunny might bring her one. Well. That just set her off on one of the worst tantrums I’ve ever seen in my life.
She went red, then she started to cry, then wail, then totally flip the fuck out to the point where I didn’t know what to do. She threw herself down on the floor screaming “You don’t even LOVE ME!!!!!!” and then just stared at me screaming her head off. There was drool, snot, tears galore and I was starting to worry that I was going to get an unwelcome knock on the door suspecting me of trying to kill my child.
She looked like she was being electrocuted. It was bad, real bad.
I figured putting her in a straight jacket would be the logical next step, but there wasn’t one handy so I settled for some time out in her room. She then proceeded to try and kick the door off its hinges for close to half an hour. Over a fucking FAKE DOG THAT SHITS PLASTIC TREATS. We’ve had tantrums over the wrong coloured socks, wrong fork, wrong shoes, wrong side of whatever the right side is. But nothing compares to my kid turning into a total maniac over a fake puppy.
This dog is made by the toy company Hasbro, who I know hate more than anything else on the planet. They are big time huge and no doubt have a team of child psychologists that come up with these ridiculous toys that make our kids go all frothy. I imagine they sit around a table discussing how the rise in apartment-style living is making millions of mistreated Aussie kids miss out on the pleasures of animal ownership. So they decide to make a toy dog called Pax (a nod to adoption, Angelina Jolie style?) and make it eat plastic treats, then when he walks go “OOOHHHHH I need a POO POO Mummy”, and shit out his plastic treat for them to pick up. Then you feed it to him again. Genius.
Well FUCK YOU Poopin’ Pup. I’m not going to hear the bloody end of this until we get this stupid toy. We’ve already written 3 letters to the Easter Bunny because talking about this until Christmas will actually send me to the looney bin. How much did you pay to make sure this ad comes on 70 bazillion times a day? You are hypnotising my child and it’s not ok!! Who the fuck is going to look after me when my kid is convulsing on the floor because I said no to this new toy? Are you going to make me a “Massagin’ Dad” which is a fake husband that gives me a back rub when I moan in agony or run out of wine? Didn’t think so, FUCK YOU!