Fuck You, Pokémon Go.

I wanted to hate this. There was a certain amount of validation in my refusal to download the game that millions of people were going nuts for in the space of a few days.  I scoffed as my friend showed her Pokédex to the burger shop to get us a discount. I even posted this meme below, to prove to everyone that there was life beyond these pocket monsters in augmented reality. I couldn’t believe so many people were quite literally being driven Zubatshit crazy by a stupid app. It was madness!

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Then I downloaded it.

Why, you ask? Well, this is difficult to answer. The Husband let our 3 year old catch a Pokémon in Bunnings and she acted like it was the best thing she’d ever done. Can you imagine what that is like for a little kid? She thought it was real. I was pissed for a bit, but then I thought I would just get it and prove to myself that it was a ridiculous pile of shit, only good for curing the world of stupid people walking into traffic and off cliffs. Because god damn it, we need less stupid people in this world, it’s natural selection.

I turned it on and there was a MOTHERFUCKING POKEMON IN MY FRICKING KITCHEN.  I chucked the little ball at it’s head and POW! I caught a Pokémon! I pressed my lips together and tried really fucking hard not to smile.

Later that day I had to go and post a parcel, so I went to the mall and turned on the game. Lo and behold the Post Office was a Poke stop!!! Free balls!! I handed my parcel over for scanning and then threw a ball at the cashiers face because there was a Zubat flying right in front of her! I was so amazed I didn’t even realise how stupid I must have looked as I frantically threw ball after ball in her direction with my face contorting from the concentration required.

Now that I had figured it out a bit, I had to do a whole lot of walking to the next Poke stop to get my free balls. By the time I came home I was already on level 3 and totally loving it. I was able to hide this new addiction from The Husband for a couple of days, until we went to IKEA to stock up on crap for the new house. IKEA is FULL of Pokémon. And since you have to walk 45 kms to get around that joint anyway, you may as well play and get a heap of rare ones. Fuck the STUVA and the ANTILOP and the POÄNG. It’s all about the STARYU and the MACHOP and the BULBASAUR.

Things I hate about Pokemon Go.

  1. It’s addictive. You WILL want to beat your neighbour to the rare ones and you will wonder if you left any good ones behind at IKEA.
  2. It makes your phone go flat.
  3. It’s addictive.
  4. It takes too long to load and freezes all the time.
  5. It’s super addictive.
  6. My house is full of Zubats and they piss me off. But I guess it’s better than Rats, or should I say…..Rattatas!
  7. Loads of Poke stops are Churches. Why not the pub?
  8. It’s really addictive.
  9. I wasted some incense in my bed one night to see what it did and only caught about 5 shit Pokémon in half an hour.  Fuck you.
  10. My name is Far Kew, I am 38 years old and I’m addicted to Pokémon Go.

Things I love about Pokemon Go.

  1. I can bribe my children with it. I was having trouble with the 3 year old at bedtime until I promised her if she went the fuck to sleep she could catch a Pokémon in the morning. Evil fucking genius.
  2. I have chatted to complete randoms in the street hunting Pokémon. It’s so nice to have that connection with humanity with all the terrible stuff going on in the world right now.
  3. Companies are using it to attract customers and I LOVE a good bargain. Especially if it means 20% off a burger. More money for beer.
  4. I can tell everyone I went to the gym three times in a day and sound really fit.

Yeah. This Pokémon Go thing is a stroke of bloody genius. It remains to be seen what will happen with it next, but I am finding the whole thing fascinating. And I’m done with bagging it, there is too much good that outweighs the bad. I can’t really see a problem with kids getting more exercise and talking with people who the game has brought together. Can you?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find Pikachu.

THE END.

Liked it? Then like the Fuck You Friday page if you haven’t already, or I’ll kick you in the Pokéballs.

1,222 comments

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