On Wednesday this week, I had to drive to a place called Footscray, when it was pissing down with rain. Footscray is an ugly shit hole, made all the more shit by the fog and rain and sudden freezing weather. And it got me thinking.
Why is it that, at the slightest drop of rain, people forget how to drive a fucking car? It’s bad enough I had to drive in peak hour, but I have to share the road with some of the stupidest people on the planet.
Let’s break the peak hour drivers down into an easy to digest list shall we?
1. Granny Ethel.
Yes, I give her a hard time. She’s often on the wrong end of my fucking stick but she bloody deserves it. Ethel is the old bat who goes to check her Lotto tickets at 8am, when everyone is trying to get to work or drop their kids off at school or daycare. She can’t wait until after 10am because she’s already been awake since 5am finishing off her crocheted hats for the hospital fair. So come 8 o’clock, she’s ready to go and do something with her day (it’s practically lunchtime), so she heads for the Chew ‘n’ Spew $5 buffet at the RSL. Off she crawls in the right hand lane causing people behind her to go batshit crazy. You can’t honk the horn or she’ll jump and have a fucking heart attack, so crazy face it is. Not really all that therapeutic.
2. Phone Zombies.
These ones particularly shit me as they spend the time stuck at the traffic lights catching up on Facebook, emails or the Daily Fucking Mail. I wouldn’t care as long as they noticed when the light turns green, not completely miss it so the queue of angry commuters behind them have to get their crazy horn-smashing face on. These idiots are even more infuriating if you are at a traffic light that only lets a few cars through at a time. Phone Zombies are assholes who also text and drive, and are easily spotted as they look like they are bobbing for apples if you are driving behind them. So they can get fucked.
3. The Let-Everyone-In Guy.
If the traffic is flowing do NOT stop to let 10 cars into your lane from a side road! Each and every one of those people you are trying to let in will not believe their fucking luck. There will be a whole load of unnecessary hand flapping and waving and nodding and smiling and headlight flashing before they actually pull out. Just let the fuckers wait for a gap. And if you do let one in, just know that the twat won’t even give you a little ‘thank you’ wave. Trust me, you will regret it. Every. Single. Fucking Time.
4. The Late Mother.
I get it. You are stressed because the kids dragged their heels and you’ve run out of the house half an hour late, holding a handbag, a baby, an extra kid, a laptop, some snacks, drink bottles, some spare clothes and the kids’ daycare/school bags. To save some time, you’re feeding the kids in the car on the way. Depending on your ability to give a fuck, it will be a McMuffin or a homemade, organic, bircher muesli trifle. Or one of those squeezy yoghurt things. This shit will get all over your car, smashed into the seats and flung like a missile at the back of your freshly washed hair and the dashboard. You’ll probably have to turn around about 60 times during the course of the drive to break up a fight, pick the food out of your hair, or yell for a number of reasons. Because your eyes are off the road for a percentage of the time, you may be swerving a bit and not 100% on the ball with the accelerator and the brake. I may be a hypocrite, and I know you’re doing your best, but you’re a fucking menace on the road.
5. The So-Far-Up-Your-Arse-You-Can-No-Longer-See-Him Driver.
It’s bumper to bumper and you are going 5 km/h, but this fuck knuckle insists on entering your rectum just so he can save 3 fucking seconds. Following distance means nothing to this tool. He will keep riding your arse until you either let him past or he turns off the road. You will often see this aggressive wanker on the freeway with his arm hanging out of the window – no matter what the weather and 95% of the time, he will be driving a brightly coloured XR6 turbo something or other. He’s a human skidmark. And everybody knows it.
6. The Pretend Concentrator.
This douche bag doesn’t understand the concept of flowing traffic. Sometimes you will have to merge into another lane and this arrogant loser will pretend not to see you indicating for five fucking kilometres and refuse to let you take a gap. He will speed up, just so you can’t get in and he won’t even look when you are screaming abuse whilst giving him the finger. So you’re left totally dissatisfied – as well as annoyed – and his ‘tactic’ does absolutely fucking nothing but make the shit house traffic even worse.
I could go on all week about shitty drivers but I’ve got wine to drink.
The next time you are driving to work and recognise some of the suspects on this list, I want you to give them a big FAR KEW. Wave your middle finger and give some filthy stink-eyes. Don’t hold back, let it fucking rip, because it’s what they fucking deserve.
Unless it’s me with my kids and their bircher muesli trifles…
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