Fuck You Optus. My 1 Hour Long Fight With Cuntstomer Service.

Today I received my monthly bill for the incredibly crap NBN service from Optus. To my disgust, I found on it a charge for non-direct debit. News to me, I’d never noticed that one before because the cunning bastards just slide it in there amongst their extremely busy and colourful bill.

So I decided to get in touch with their 24/7 live chat service to see what could be done about the fee. 

I thought it started out ok…

I took a deep breath. I was ready to commit to the cause.

No thanks, Chris. No need to explain it, just get rid of it.

My last experience with Optus was a long-winded 24/7 chat about how their website crashes every time you try to take off the paper billing fee. Coincidence? I think not.

And then came the kicker. Optus don’t have an accounts system to help automatically reconcile accounts. AS IF.

Then I got a bit mad….. But I still had a soft spot for poor Chris. Who to be fair, was reading his multiple choice script quite well. 

Hmmmm. I mentioned the TIO (Telecommunications Industry Ombudsman) and an auto-response came back immediately. Interesting. But then I waited for 5 mins…….waiting, waiting……

Then I waited while Jay read through the notes.

I thought Jay and I got off to a pretty good start. So I filled him in on my plight. 

At this point, I was pretty sure Jay was giving the evil eye to Chris who had palmed me off to his superior. 

The answer seemed simple to me. Given that we had been talking for over 40 minutes. 

And then Jay checked out. Shame. I thought we were getting somewhere. 

Then I tried some light-hearted comedy. But it was a tough crowd. 

Didn’t see that coming, did you, Jay?!

Jay started to confuse me with the auto-replies. I bet Susan in accounts wishes she had those….oh wait….

OK, so that part was unnecessarily cocky. 

Jay wasn’t on the same wavelength as me at this point. I felt I’d lost him. 

So there you have it. A solo fight for justice and now a five day wait for some kind of resolution.

Fuck you Optus. Fuck your $2 fee for bullshit and fuck passing it onto your customers because it is “industry standard”. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should, you greedy pack of pigs.

You suck.


Liked it? Then you might like my range of offensive gifts, including anonymous dicks that I’ll be posting to the Optus call centre.

Check it out here. 





  1. Optus,
    Same company,me 71 year old female. Connection problems enquiry 20.30 hours on a Sunday NIGHT.
    OPTUS’ answer
    ” There is good Wi Fi signal in Ashfield Park ( 1.5 klm away) if you go there,you will get reception”
    Me STUNNED hang up

  2. Thanks for sharing – I am ASTOUNDED at the extraordinarily bad Optus website. Want to feel stressed and very, very angry? Try and logon to the Optus website to check your account and lose a good two hours of your life, at least…. Did a baby, mischief-making chimp at Taronga Zoo design the Optus website? At every click, the user feels like Optus are saying – ‘ha, got you! – not there, try somewhere else Bozo – we can do anything to you now you’ve signed that Optus contract…. and clicking somewhere else won’t work either, so ha ha’. Functionality is non-existent on the Optus website, even the ‘Did this help? yes/no’ pop-up survey boxes don’t work. Getting a clear picture of services and billing is IMPOSSIBLE. How can a massive company like Optus not fix this? Who’s in charge? Optus FAR KEW!


    Switched over $300 / mth worth of mobile and internet to optus 3 months ago and have experienced nothing but high blood pressure and using 10 fucks per minute:
    – “Premium” modem doesnt work… sent 2, both cause dropouts
    – Fucked up the bill
    – Fucked up consolidating the bill
    – Had to buy my own modem — after 5 hours got Optus to refund me half the credit
    – Credit didn’t get applied
    – Direct debit didn’t get applied
    – Account is “overdue” because above
    – No internet, no phone reception, couldn’t even call optus on my mobile

    This happened today, on my fuckin day off… so i had to crawl back to work to use the fuckin landline to call optus…. it’s been 2 fuckin hours! They admitted they should’ve applied the credit and i should never have been suspended… still waiting on line to get a resolution

    FUCK YOU OPTUS!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Absolute rubbish coverage from this so called service provider I travel all over the state of nsw and it’s the same crap service every where fuck you Optus I’m done closing my account good riddance to a shit pile company hope you fold fuckwits

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