Fuck You Optus. Again.

As I start this sentence, I cannot believe I have to whinge about Optus again. But, yeah I can. I totally can.

Do you remember Susan in accounts? Well, my last rant must have really pissed her off, because she’s having a fucking laugh right now.

Here is what went down.

Our internet went off a few weeks ago for no apparent reason. Except there was an apparent reason, and that reason is Optus decided to stop sending us bills via email at the end of last year. Why? No fucking idea. But they did.

Now, at one point over the busy new year period, I just forgot to chuck the $80 bucks on my account that I was remembering for myself since I had instructed Optus not to send me paper bills and was NOT under any circumstances going on a direct debit plan. Because fuck Susan and her $2 fee, they were crediting my bill each month for Susan to eat a dick.

So they cut us off. Fair enough.

Then recently it happened again. But we had paid our account (after manually logging in to get the account balance because they were not sending me emails) and all was well. It’s very difficult to get hold of Optus customer service without the internet. You can’t do their live chat and you can’t ring them because they just cut you off. It took HOURS of pain to finally get to the bottom of it and have our service restored.


Why were we cut off you ask? Because Optus has changed its billing platform and not told anyone about it. You are meant to use your spider senses to work that one out folks, so we had paid a bunch of money into an account that doesn’t exist anymore. Cue panic stations from the billing staff that all have their heads up their arses. Nobody knew what to do.

The short version of this story is that we got cut off another 5 times over the past 3 weeks and have spent probably close to 20 hours on the phone and using our mobile phones to tether to a laptop just to use the live chat. I’ve lost count of the times we’ve been disconnected, transferred to the wrong department, and refused a manager.


During this time I suddenly started receiving emails from Optus again! On the same email address I have had for 12 years and on the same email address they were previously sending their bills to. Random. Telling us we owed them $114

We have had at least 5 staff tell us to ignore it, everything is fine, the account is in credit and just to ignore those emails. But. CUT OFF OUR FUCKING INTERNET A FEW DAYS LATER!

Can you imagine the rage by now? It actually makes you feel like you are taking crazy pills.

Fuck you Optus and your incompetent staff. Fuck your new mystery billing system and your inability to, I don’t know, TEXT YOUR FUCKING CUSTOMERS LIKE EVERY OTHER FLIPPING COMPANY WITH A BILLING ISSUE. Or, how about…..WRITE A FUCKING LETTER ADVISING OF THE CHANGE YOU BUNCH OF COCK SUCKING BASTARDS!

We’ve got better things to do with our time than tether our phones because you’ve throttled the internet to .000000001mbps. Better things to do than get transferred to 69 different departments and 69 different people that sound like they have trouble getting a pair of fucking socks on in the morning. We have better things to do than listen to your appalling hold music and better things to do than deal with your shithouse idea to change billing systems with no warning.


Susan, I’m coming for you. This is not over.


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