Well, haven’t we been given the best school introduction ever? Starting with last weeks broken arm (fuck you monkey bars) and ending with NITS. That’s right, we have fucking head lice.
The first clue came on Sunday night when my 5-year-old nursing a broken arm told me her head was itchy. I took a look at the back of her head and sure enough, I found a nit. A nit is the egg of a louse for the uninitiated. I rushed straight to the supermarket to get some treatment and did everyone in the house and washed the sheets. I thought we were good.
I’ve since found out that these little bastards are sometimes immune to the common over the counter medicated shampoos, sprays and mousses. A few days after the first treatment I was still scratching my head and did another one. I combed through my daughter’s hair for what seemed like the millionth time and STILL found more eggs.
Realising that I needed something stronger, I visited the local chemist, walked in and demanded the most chemical ridden hard-core solution available. Like the stuff I used to have when I was a kid. I said I wanted to go “Full Hiroshima on their asses”, much to their amusement. “None of this tea tree shit” I added, you cannot aromatherapy to death a superbug.
It’s about as useful as patchouli oil for BO, it just doesn’t fucking work. You might relax them for a bit while they peace out, but they will be back. Mark my words, they will be back…
Back in the 80’s things were progressing at warp speed. Computers were coming along in leaps and bounds, and new information was shared faster than it had ever been before. We also learned that some things were pretty bad for us and we aimed to put a stop to them. Like chlorofluorocarbons, lead pencils and The B-52’s. Which, like head-lice, refused to fucking die.
When I was a kid my mum used to get out the card table and make me lie on it with my head tipped over the bath while she massaged an extremely smelly nit solution through my hair. You could literally feel your scalp melting as the little assholes went running through your hair doing their death dance. It was, however, a satisfactory feeling while your eyeballs were burning and your neck was being put out, that you would no longer have head lice in the morning.
Did you know that head lice have even been found on ancient mummies. Yup. They used to nuke them with mercury and crushed up flowers, but when that didn’t work they just shaved their heads and wore a wig. And let me tell you, I am close to embracing my inner Mummy and doing the same. So while Elon Musk is busy shooting rockets and cars into space, I spent my weekend combing nits out of my daughter’s hair like an ancient human. I feel so progressive, can we not find a cure?
We’ve gone too soft I think. I’m all for moving forward and getting rid of things that will probably kill us and go au naturale where possible, but seriously. Gimme that scalp-melting, eye-burning, toxic shit that we had in the 80’s. I’ll trade the tea-tree and eucalyptus hipster nit solutions for the B-52’s. Although to be fair, I do enjoy Love Shack. They can keep the fucking Rock Lobsters though, sweet Jesus what a crime against music that was.
Fuck You Nits. Fuck you for stuffing up my already shitty week and making me google nit videos which made me barf. Now I am not sure if I am scratching my head because I still have nits, or if it’s psychosomatic. One thing is for sure, I will beat you. You will not win. I will. FUCK YOU.