Fuck You, Mother’s Day.

I’ve got a mum and I am a mum. Which means I am going to be on the giving and receiving end during this Mother’s Day.

This week while I was at the mall (my favourite place on earth….KILL ME NOW) I was saddened at the lack of decent gifts available for purchase and kind of embarrassed to be in the mum category myself, when it’s clear marketers think we are a bunch of old grannies.

WTF is up with all the shit gifts? There was seriously not one good thing worth buying in the entire mall.

Let’s start with the sleeping attire for all that fucking sleep we are not getting.

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You can count some sheep on your feral dressing gown.
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Or pretend you are 5 years old again and dress like your children. Notice the one on the left suggests you can stay in bed, like that will ever happen!
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If someone gives you this you know it’s time to take up that fabulous funeral package. FFS

Nutri Ninja’s half price. Because you’re fat.

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When I start wearing that fucked up night gown I might realise it’s liquid food only from now on.

There is a brand new album release for those who need some really depressing old Carpenters songs rehashed by Dami Im.

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I’ll take 5 please for all my worst enemies.

Then I spotted some home massaging devices. Because foot spas are so 1990.

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If the facial sauna also does vagina steaming it might be worth it.

The Reject Shop are onto something with this erotic novel. And judging by the cover, sexy times haven’t changed much since the 1900’s.

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I wore my best taffeta gown for you to roger me in David…..

Target want you to look like a Peruvian potato farmer. Which is fine fashion for digging up spuds on a mountain top. But I can’t see Peruvian Potato Chic taking off.

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Hello, I’m a Peruvian potato farmer.
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Flying off the shelves……WTAF

Miranda Kerr wants you to buy her Royal Albert tea sets. Like this one for the bargain price of $999. But don’t worry, it’s on special for just $699. She’s definitely the people’s Supermodel that one, always right on target with her endorsements for the everyday woman. Next time you are in Melbourne Miranda, stop by for a nice cup of Dilmah, OK? Bring your own fucking tea set though because all my cups are chipped.

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Can you imagine if someone dropped a cup? You owe me $50 you mofo!

What about these whimsical animal character heat packs and neck warmers? Because all mums are constantly cold and in huge amounts of pain. We need comfort from some sleepy looking woodland friends, dammit.

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Or if you haven’t got enough cutesy wootsie you can get a stuffed animal heat pillow. Basically just say goodbye to your dignity forever.

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What about a night at the movies? To see some of the worst actors alive and one that should know better, make a shit film with one of the most tragic mum-hair wigs I’ve ever seen.

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Or 25% off cookbooks because your food sucks and you should cook more. Like the good old pipe and slipper days. Fuck You.

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What about the mums out there that haven’t cut their hair into a sensible bob and don’t want to steam their vaginas? What about us shit cooks that don’t need a fucking book because take-away is so much easier. What about those of us who would rather die than dress like a Peruvian potato farmer? Or those who think it’s a bit sad and pathetic that we supposedly need a cute animal figure on our hot water bottle holder.

What century are we living in here?! Some of these things might get the older ladies off, but if I get given any one of the above I will drive myself off a fucking cliff.

I’ll tell you what mums want. NOTHING. We want a day off from being a mum. Some me time, some time to sit in silence and even do a poo in private. We don’t want anyone yelling at us, or banging down the door when we are trying to shower. We don’t want to wake up in the night for anything and we don’t want to have to cook or clean.

So while it’s all nice and sweet to say “Thank You Mum” with a fucked up dressing gown and an erotic novel on this made up holiday, we know you love us. Make us a cup of coffee in bed and then fuck the hell off for the day.

THE END

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95 Comments Add yours

  1. hahahahahah LOVE LOVE LOVE…I have bought my kids up to NOT celebrate mother or fathers day on one conveniently targetted marketing extravaganza day of the year. I always said, do things for you mum and dad when you want to…don;t get caught up in media advertising hype. LOVE this reality you have shown. Bless

    1. Tofick says:

      Wow Raelene you Bought your kid’s? That explains everything, hope you didn’t get them at K Mart

      1. Wendy says:

        She said “bought my kids UP”.

        1. J says:

          Bought’ is the past tense of ‘buy’: I bought a new car last week. ‘Brought’ is the past tense of ‘bring’: I brought him a glass of water.

        2. LB22 says:

          Good grief!! Buy is to bought, what BRING is to BROUGHT!!!! I BROUGHT my kids up!!

      2. J says:

        Haha bought. And then Wendy…. oh god. Wow do they still teach English and grammar these days

  2. This cracked me up! X

  3. Louise Sharp says:

    Hahahaha. Gold.
    HMD – hope we both get a cuppa, a sleep in, a peaceful shower and a quiet poo – but I’m not betting sheep stations on it!
    xo

  4. Jen says:

    Laughing my head off; its such a commercial f joke

  5. Mel says:

    Yes, yes and he’ll yes! Give me a trip to the bathroom in peace and I’ll be a happy Mummy.

  6. Melissa says:

    Omg one of the best mothers day posts I’ve seen in ages….. Lmao and so true. Have you seen the crap they market???? I tell my kids spend their money on food make me an amazing breakfast w good coffee. Sad thing is as a chef I have taught the older one very good….

  7. ronnieuwannapeaceome says:

    Thankyou so much for all of the Mother’s Day gift advice.
    I hope my mum enjoys her freshly steamed vagina
    *favourite son!

    1. Far Kew says:

      She’s gonna love it!

  8. Mish says:

    You also forgot who wants to go to a restaurant so busy & noisey and crap service that you pay $$$ for –

  9. Roslyn Scott says:

    Just being remembered would be a nice start!! That is the result of your strategy Raelene Byrne….so good, will share that one…

  10. Jan Basset says:

    OMG That is a classic, That so made my day, You have hit the nail on the head, I had a good laugh !!!

  11. Cindy says:

    Oh yes! My favourite was the ad recommending we get down to The Shaver Shop to let Mum know we love her ( in all her hirsute glory)

    1. Far Kew says:

      Happy Mothers Day you hairy cow!

  12. Kat Carah says:

    This seriously cracked me up!

  13. Ana says:

    Peruvian potato farmer? Wow,that was racist and mean. What about being thankful for any gift you get because you’re living in a first world country where this is possible. Be thankful you’re NOT a mom in a very poor world country where you worry whether or not you children might have on plate of food that day. And yes, I do have a sense of humor but I don’t find this funny. Bashing actors and making discriminating comments is not funny. I say FUCK you to you!

  14. My sentiments exfuckingactly. Just leave me alone for the day- then I’ll know how much you love me. Happy fucking mothers’ day.

  15. Leanne says:

    I had my husband read this, expecting a laugh about the stuff the shops advertise for Mothers Day. Instead, he got really angry, saying the author just made every dad/child feel like an idiot for buying something on this list (or similar). Plus it covers pretty much everything except chocolates and flowers – the two things he knows I actually DON’T want. I hadn’t thought of it from that perspective. He’s right! I still have the first Mother’s Day present I was given by my son almost 20 years ago – a tea towel folded in the shape of a handbag. I’ll always cherish it! My husband made me see that it’s not about “what” it’s about “who”!

    1. Far Kew says:

      It’s not his fault. We all know men are a bit thick and need some gentle guidance with gift buying. Let’s say FUCK YOU to the marketers that come up with this shit that nobody wants!!

      1. John Kingsley-Jones says:

        I am a mere male and thought your piece about Mother’s Day – and seriously crap presents – was absolutely awesome !

  16. Suzanne Gordon says:

    Pleasant day occurring here – wrote my aged Mum a beautiful poem of thanks, whipped up a new recipe (Cheese Puffs) for her breakfast in bed, and we’ll be going out to lunch at a fave restaurant. I do agree all this commercial/retail hype is revolting and is to be ignored. If peeps took the time to think carefully, there are MANY ways to show gratitude to your Mum – I hope you receive yours … Suz

    1. Far Kew says:

      Got brekkie and a lie in and some winter tops. Winning!

  17. Chris says:

    I came across this when it appeared on my Facebook news feed and after reading this I have to say you are a very sad person with your low class education with nothing but f*ck words….That is why kids these days swear all the time. You need to get a life and stop complaining. People like you have a crazy disease where they need to either post on Facebook or blog about it. There is more to life than complaining about silly stuff you cannot buy!.

    1. Far Kew says:

      Sorry you didn’t like my post Chris. I try really hard to make sure that when people visit a page called Fuck You Friday they get some nice cheery affirmations and my absolute best foot forward in terms of my low class education. I am considering getting professional help for this crazy disease of mine, but experts in this field are hard to find.
      Perhaps you’ll enjoy this post better.

      https://fuckyoufriday.com.au/2016/03/31/fuck-you-internet-trolls/

      1. unfknblvbl says:

        You don’t want your Partner of kids to read this Chris? Suggest you move to North Korea, apply for a job with Kim Jong-un and bask in the glory that state controlled media…..

    2. Chris, you seem to have completely missed the point of blogging!
      And your high-class education apparently couldn’t instil a sense of humour!

  18. George and Bec says:

    Far Kew saying it as it is. Besides my wife you are the funniest by far. Bec and I love your posts. Keep up the good work

  19. gemma model says:

    I do agree. Husband managed to convince kids to let me sleep in until 08.30!!! Got scrambled eggs and tea made for me by the 2 younger ones. Only 2 fights to sort out so far – so pretty good on the homefront here.

  20. Ness says:

    Ha! I personally love the Carpenters and even I don’t want that album. Thanks for the giggles.

  21. Carol says:

    Of course it’s what you do for someone that counts, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, climb a ladder and toss the rat baits into the ceiling cavity, wash and vacuum the car, buy a load of wood and stack it, weed the garden, suppose you’ve guessed I’m in a rural area. Words are “cheap” too! It has always been – what you do for someone means so much more!!!

  22. georgie says:

    Yep thats whatt I had when kids were young..hubby took kids out for the day and I had a kid free day to soak in the bath..read a book..it was great and appreciated…and kids had a good time with dad!..they are now42 40 and 2 at 27….

    1. Far Kew says:

      They can look forward to the vagina steamer them from their kids?

      1. Ditzy dame says:

        What the hell is a vagina steamer??
        Is this for real?- I stumbled across the terminology somewhere else on Facebook recently and still can’t figure out if it’s for real or a joke😩😩 can someone enlighten me?

        1. Far Kew says:

          For real. It’s an LA thing but apparently it’s an ancient Asian ritual! Baffled me.

  23. Rosalie Jones says:

    Well that just fucked everything up and why would you wanna have any of them things anyways got enough night wear

    1. Far Kew says:

      I like my pyjamas cartoon character free.

  24. Emma Salkild says:

    I got the poncho this morning and I freaking LOVE it. He also automatically bought me coffee in bed and took the kids out. Now we’re off to pub lunch in my poncho – best day ever!

    1. Far Kew says:

      Go buy some potatoes!!

      1. Emma Salkild says:

        Fuck that, I’m gonna GROW some motherfucking potatoes now I have the kit for it 🙂 But first, pub!

        1. Far Kew says:

          Send me some. Peruvian potatoes are the shiz.

  25. Emtedee says:

    would you be happy for either your children or your partner to read this post?

  26. Marie Robb says:

    Nothing better than a good laugh for Mother’s Day! thank you!

  27. Sarah Olencewicz says:

    Love this so much. Today was flowers, a card and gift bought by my mother when she was visiting and breakfast made by them two. Dinner hasn’t been discussed as yet.
    My best Mother’s Day gift was 8 years ago with a toilet training toddler… Staged totally getting Daddy to take her to the toilet after a lunch at a cafe. I then decided after he had mentioned ‘play ground’ that I needed to go to the bathroom before we left. Going to the toilet, by myself, with the door closed… there isn’t a lot that tops that!

    1. Far Kew says:

      And without eager little hands wanting to “wipe” mummy!

  28. NeverGoingToBeYou says:

    In today’s world there is no excuse for not knowing that parenting sucks before you squeeze out a horde of shrieking brats.

    1. Kellie says:

      Someone with some sense ! Some people only wish they had this problem .But then if she isn’t whinging about being a mum she’d have nothing to post . Number one reason why Mummy bloggers shit me . Why have kids if all you do is trash em on social media . Just a Constance hall wannabe .

      1. Far Kew says:

        And have a nice night!

  29. And here I was feeling like a bit of an a&#hole for just wanting the kids to piss off and leave me alone for the day. Lol. This week I have had to do three times as much stuff as usual in the name of ‘mothers day’. Kids’ activities are usually a welcomed opportunity when I get a little bit of time to myself – not this week! No, this week I had to go and join in on all the bloody activities because it’s Mother’s Day. FFS!!! Now those precious few quiet hours (the only few quiet hours I get all week) have to also be spent making the kids happy! And what is it with the shit Mother’s Day gifts?? The things the kids bring home from the Mother’s Day stall at school range from cheap, plastic costume jewelry to aprons and anything in the colour range of pink. The Father’s Day stall is loaded up with useful, practical and fun gifts that I am jealous of every year. This year I got a stuffed pink bear and a floral pink pen with an angel on it. Is it seriously too much to ask for a day off? I love them dearly, I really really do, but a super day would have to be one where I don’t have to eat dry, cold toast and referee arguments all day long. Speaking of….. time to stop them from killing each other again. Where’s the wine????

  30. Tracey says:

    Complain much!
    Surely we all know our own mother well enough to just walk straight to the shop and buy the exact item she wants. If you rely on what the stores are marketing to find a gift for mum maybe you shld just spend some time with her instead. And I don’t want my kids to leave – I’m actually happy to spend Mother’s Day with my kids. Really sorry you’re not and that motherhood is such a burden for you.

  31. OMG!!! I loved this. At the end of a crappy mothers day this summed it up perfectly.

    Yes I got the dessert cookbook – the damm kids dont eat dessert so what, I am going to do – cook a serve for 12 and eat it all???

    White picture frames… nothing in my house is white…. white is a magnet for dust and I dont have time to dust. And it has shelves it in also – so more pokey little bits to dust that will require a cotton bud!

    And to top it off….. PLANTS!!! I kill anything green. Seriously I couldnt keep mould alive if I tried!

    And finally lightglobes!! Now you make think that is practical but for me it is not! I removed half the lights in my house as I have a special needs child who likes to turn on all the lights until the house is light up like a theme park with the electricity bill to match!

    Next year I am going away! By myself and I am not telling anyone

    1. Far Kew says:

      I am also extremely shit and keeping plants alive!!

  32. LMM says:

    I’m still trying to work out which of those actors is the one that should know better. You could not pay me to darken that door.

    1. Far Kew says:

      Here is a clue. The one that has an Oscar!!

  33. Goergia says:

    Fucking hilarious made my mothers day reading this. At last someone gets it !!! Now where’s that coffee?

  34. Sharon says:

    Buy us alcohol

  35. Xxx says:

    What a miserable person you are!
    Maybe comfy pajamas were purchased beside a mother complained about how tired she was.
    A nutri bullet was given because a mum was constantly asking her partner if he thought she had gained weight. Even though he thought she was beautiful, he wanted to help her feel better about herself.
    Perhaps an album was purchased because mum always sang along to the Carpenters and this was new and exciting.
    A romance novel was given as someone heard their mum say, I wish I had more time to read.
    A cookbook was the perfect gift because someone heard a mother say ‘I wish I could cook like that’.

    This article just proves that you are impossible to buy for. There are millions of mum’s out there who would love every gift on this list!
    As always, it is the thought that counts. You seem to misinterpret the thought!!

  36. MomC says:

    Laughed so hard at this because i remember feeling this way when the kids were little. Now, they’re grown & gone & I have nothing but time alone. I blinked & it was over. A HMD text at midnight & another at 6 a.m. is sufficient, but once in a while, the chaos of young familyhood is something I miss.
    Don’t rant your life away, every moment is a gift.

    1. Far Kew says:

      Don’t worry I do appreciate how fast it goes. Just having a chuckle! My “baby” is running round my house shitting in my hallway and yelling “NO”! It’s all over way too fast.

  37. Far Kew says:

    I probably should add he’s still in nappies :0)

  38. Melissa says:

    Love this! Exactly how i feel…but just haven’t said it out loud!!! 🙂

  39. Freaken funny as usual Far Kew. My wife is always complaining bitterly about not being able to poo in peace.
    You have a great knack for seeing humour in everyday things. That’s a great skill.

  40. Jen I says:

    I can’t believe people have commented that you are whinging too much about these “gifts”. What a waste of the world’s resources. How many stinky candles, ugly slippers and foul bath bombs have been produced in the name of Mother’s Day? Besides – Hello? Humour people!! And the best humour is when it is completely true. My kids brought their “Mother’s Day Stall” money home again because as they said, “it was all crap Mum, you wouldn’t have liked it”. We went to Free Comic Book Day on Saturday, got a pile of comics (and they used the money to buy me a couple extra because they were 10% off) and we spent most of the rainy day today sitting around reading comics. They made me cheese on toast for breakfast. It was Brie. Because I bought it. I drank 5 cups of tea and had an extra big glass of wine with dinner. They only fought 3 times. It was a good day!

  41. shepherdess5 says:

    This is funny and on target. Even this older mom would throw this crap back and ask for a clean house and a day off!! Even my 80 year old mother would find this stuff crap! Okay…so I would take a day at a spa with a full body massage, foot reflexology and a healthy salt scrub…pour me back into a car and then send me to a beautiful B&B alone for the night or weekend. PS to husbands – no I don’t want sex…this is how I earned this freakin’ holiday.

  42. Kerry-Ann says:

    This made my day even though I’m not a mom to a human yet. Thanks for writing this. I’m sure ALL mom’s appreciate your truth. 🙂
    Cheers!

  43. Toni says:

    Actually a thank you would be nice, or even a happy mother’s day! I can’t even get that and I have no idea why it is I get my hopes up each year. Mother’s Day is just another shitty day to be treated like shit by both kids and husband and have to listen to their fights and argue,ents until you lose your shit with them and they try to figure out whats wrong.
    Don’t even worry about a shitty present because your not even worth that thought!

  44. Carmen says:

    I have just heard the history of Mother’s Day- it’s about changing the world, peace and helping the less fortunate. Not a carnation or nightie in sight!!
    The story begins in 1858 when a community activist named Anna Reeves Jarvis
    organized Mothers’ Works Days in West Virginia. Her immediate goal was to
    improve sanitation in Appalachian communities. During the Civil War, Jarvis
    pried women from their families to care for the wounded on both sides.
    Afterward she convened meetings to persuale men to lay aside their
    hostilities.

    In 1872, Juulia Ward Howe, author of the “Battle Hymn of the Republic”,
    proposed an annual Mother’s Day for Peace. Committed to abolishing war, Howe
    wrote: “Our husbands shall not come to us reeking with carnage… Our sons
    shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach them
    of charity, mercy and patience. We women of one country will be too tender of
    those of another country to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs”.

  45. Christine says:

    Great article Far Kew! Ha!! My daughter just came in with a crumpet in her hand to tell me something while I am reading this! …and guess where I am! Haha!

    1. Far Kew says:

      Was she going to offer you the crumpet mid poo?! Hahaha

  46. Del says:

    Thank you I don’t feel so guilty about my dissappointment in receiving a wonderfully expensive dressing gown which makes me feel like a giant teddy bear. Atleast they want to cuddle me in it.

  47. Emma says:

    Toiletry sets… because you’re a woman you must like these things. That or else you stink and it’s about time you washed yourself in some ghastly sickly sweet smelling shit that you wouldn’t even use on the dog.

  48. Hazel Hall says:

    I lost my daughter 7 months ago…
    I would give ANYTHING…
    ANYTHING for one more “shitty” present!

    1. Tania says:

      I’m truly sorry for your loss Hazel 😔

  49. Jo says:

    Oh I love this ! great laugh and a great article
    I have a good gift ….. I got a Adult Wine Sippy Cup called a TraVino …. now that I was happy with lol

  50. Lorraine Henneberry says:

    This is the problem, Fuck You ,is why we have to “celebrate” Fucking Mother’s Day. Most gifts are atrocious. Flowers are the best.

  51. ‘Wishing you a poo in peace’ should totally be on a Hallmark card …

  52. Xeno Phobia Haha says:

    I did not realize moms and others thought it would be funny to make fun of Peruvian potato farmers.

  53. Richie says:

    I know mums need a break & many Dads don’t help, however why have children if you are going to whinge about it all & wish you didn’t have Mothers Day with them ?! If you need a break, have it another day/time. There’s plenty of parenting resources around. Mothers Day doesn’t need to be a marketing day, it’s about honouring those we love, showing appreciation, & enjoying cherished memories together. And for those of us whose Mum died early, we’d give anything to have time with our precious mum again.

  54. Rita says:

    I always got some cookery gadget which I didn’t need. This is spot on and a good laugh. Hope all children of any age take heed of what is being said here!

    1. LB22 says:

      Take heed of what, exactly? I’d think the message here is that mummy is ungrateful and hard to please. What an awesome lesson in gratitude for the next generation!

  55. LM2201 says:

    What a wonderful testimony of gratitude for the fact that your children wanted to give you anything at all. No ugly, lopsided, handmade pottery or childish abstract painting will be good enough for you either, I’ll bet.

    1. Far Kew says:

      Missed the point I think. I love handmade crap craft. A lot.

  56. Virginia says:

    I loved this and my husband did too. Brilliant. Ha ha

    1. Far Kew says:

      Excellent!

  57. Lenkala says:

    This is funny. Just have to say that I love all my cheesy Mothers day gifts though. I have about 10 teacups/mugs, pens, books. My daughter loves going to the school stall and spending a few dollars on something for me and I don’t care what it is I always love it 😀
    But each to their own I’d course.

    1. Far Kew says:

      I got some handmade body scrub from my two year old that was just a little bit cute.

  58. Soos says:

    Good grief I had forgotten how many sanctimonious , “I am offended on behalf of everyone” sweethearts there are out there just scanning around trying to find something or someone to chastise!! Thanks Far Kew for a seriously funny piece.

    1. Far Kew says:

      There’s always one….nomatter what I say.

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