Fuck You Married At First Sight (AGAIN).

Every once in awhile a show comes along that seems so ridiculous, you are sure it will fade into oblivion after a few episodes. Not this show. Married At First Sight has surpassed everyone’s expectations and become something of a cult classic. A car-crash spectacle that has roped in even the most sceptical of viewers.

What keeps us watching in the millions? A new breed of plastic fantastic, quirky outsiders, rooting on the first date, Insta hungry nobodies wanting to be a somebody, partner swapping and some humdingers during the famous dinner parties. What’s not to love?

Let’s have a peek at this year’s contestants.

We’ve got Hayley who could flatten most people with a single smack.

But not that kind of smack. Coz she’s off the gear now, but maybe not the sugar boogers. I’m keeping a keen eye on this one, I think she will be the new Cyrell and fuck shit up.

Husband David is not impressed.

Despite his happy-clappy upbringing, he seemed willing to fight for his bride. But didn’t realise she was going to fight him back.

There’s Cathy who is just as cute as a button.

Matched up with hubby Josh who is picking up everything she’s throwing down.

This agreeable Aussie larrikin seems pretty harmless. But we are barely only into week 2….

Even when she farted in the spa he pretended not to notice.

“Strength Coach” Amanda is hoping to meet the woman of her dreams.

But Tash friend-zoned her pretty fucking fast.

And frothed over every other woman in the show at the very first dinner party.

Joining the cast is Mikey, the 12-year-old born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

Who is inexplicably paired with Natasha Spencer who seems to love herself more than anyone on planet Earth.

Mishel the MILF gives us serious Stifler’s Mom Vibes.

Steve isn’t sure what to make of Mrs Milf…

But he will at least tell everyone his pants cost $400 whenever he can.

Stacey helps round out this year’s insta-hungries.

She’s been paired with Ice dealer Michael.

And despite going from one ice dealer to the next, he has the moneeeeez. So she’s going to give it a good crack.

They’ve given us Connie the shy little poppet.

And her bitchy ass mum who needs to STFU

We are hoping for big things from Connie’s man bunned match Jonethen.

I’m bringing sexy back.

Then in walked Eeeevaan.

Some fans reckon he is Marilyn Manson.

And when he got matched with Aleks, I dare say we all thought it was going to be a shitshow.

BUT IT WORKED! Oh boy, did it work.

Vanessa had us all shouting at the TV “But you’re beautiful!”

But single Dad Chris didn’t give anything away at the wedding.

Then there was Poppy. Whose ex-husband fell into his co-worker’s vagina. And is still stuck there.

She wants to find a better man for her two sons, Cock and Block.

But after a few Bridal Bourbons, she was ready to give walking down the aisle another shot.

The “experts” gave her a FIFO single dad. Makes sense.

I just loved him in The Revenant.

Trush is frothing for some rooting counselling.

We’ve made an uxtra spuchul effort thus year to get meximum untumucy from the contistunts.

One thing is for certain, we haven’t even gotten to the toothbrush skiddygate episode yet and I’m already addicted. You know these randoms have been chosen because there is something very special about each of them. Be it sheer fame hunger, frozen faces, weird personalities or no socks, there is something to love (and hate) about each and every one of them.

Fuck you Married At First Sight Australia. Fuck the four nights a week screening which means we are all turning into alcoholics over the course of the season. Because you sure as hell can’t watch this shit sober.


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