Fuck You, L.O.L. Surprise! Dolls. 5 Reasons Why You Need To Boycott These Little Bastard Balls.

Not since I caved and bought Poopin’ Pup and a 5 pack of Hatchimals have I felt this much of a failure as a parent. Let me explain.

My 5-year-old daughter is obsessed with “unboxing” videos on YouTube. She told me she wants to have her own YouTube channel and become a superstar on the internet. I pulled a face I cannot express adequately using words. Now before you start heaping shit on me for this, I do not think YouTube is bad. There are some extremely talented creators out there, and one of the most successful channels on YouTube is actually a couple of friends of mine. They have worked their butts off and made a career out of it, but she’s 5. I don’t want to encourage her to try and become famous.

The thing is, I think she would CLEAN UP if I put her on YouTube. She’s got a hilarious personality, is cute as a button and is not shy at all. I just don’t want her targeted by trolls or paedophiles. I’ve seen enough bullshit on the internet myself to just not want to go there. But that doesn’t stop her from wanting to video every single task she does in life, from brushing her teeth to reading her latest book.

Anyway, she’s become obsessed with these little things called L.O.L. Surprise! Dolls. And she wants to watch them on YouTube all the fucking time. Now of course I try and manage this appropriately, after all, she’s only 5. But sometimes as a little treat, I cave. She’s spent loads of time watching Kinder Eggs being unwrapped, so I thought at first glance these little toy balls were relatively safe to view. I made sure she was on the kid’s version of the app and let her just watch away.

This was my first mistake.

She slowly became obsessed with these balls to the point of discussing which one she would like to get when I finally got her one. She lost sleep because she was so excited about these flipping balls. So we went shopping today and bought a couple. One for her and one for her 3-year-old brother. The newest additions are called LOL Pets.

And mere minutes into owning these balls, here are 5 reasons why I would like to murder the creators of this shit-house toy with my bare (now very sandy) hands.

THEY ARE HIGHLY ADDICTIVE 

Your kids are being brainwashed into enjoying gambling. The element of surprise might sound fun at first, but then they want to collect them all and do every new “season” and probably get really disappointed in the process. What if you get a double? “Buy another one Mum!” they cry.  This is sick and should be illegal.

THEY ARE AN ENVIRONMENTAL NIGHTMARE

I have beef with most kids toy packaging, especially when they are tied to a plastic shell with a million little plastic cable ties or twist ties. But these things really take the environmental prize for fucking up the world even faster. You unwrap 7 layers of plastic to get to plastic accessories that leads you to a plastic ball which will reveal a……..plastic doll! Isn’t that plastastic!?

Here, environment, let me take a shit on you, one round pink turd at a time. Who needs polar bears and whales anyway, they are so hard to find and we are so god damned impatient these days! I like my rare and endangered animals drugged so I can pat them and within a 30-minute drive of an airport.

THE NEW ONES ARE FULL OF FUCKING SAND

Not only am I a shit human for allowing my kid to watch these videos and become obsessed with owning one, but I got to the party so late we are now up to pets with a fucking litter tray full of pink sand! Jesus Christ! You have to dig the little accessories out of the sand for your new pet to piss and shit in. I shit you not. I wish I was kidding.

My also son ate a bit while I was busy bashing my head on the side of our house and now he will probably die of something terrible. And it’s ALL MY FUCKING FAULT. This stuff is now all over the floor, the seats, the couch and the rugs.

IT IS $15 OF “FUCK YOU, SUCKERS!”

This has to be the worst value of any toy I have ever seen in my life. One small ball full of broken dreams and a life of expectation is FIFTEEN DOLLARS. And don’t get me started on the mega ball you can buy, she’s already asked for that. Apparently, these became so rare at Xmas that people were flogging them on eBay for hundreds of dollars.

It is just expensive wrapping with a tiny toy the size of a McDonalds Happy Meal treat inside it. And some poisonous sand.

L.O.L Surprises are made by the MGA Entertainment group, founded by BILLIONAIRE Isaac Larian. The same dude that created Bratz Dolls. And we all know how THAT turned out.

 

YOU WILL HATE YOURSELF FOR BUYING THEM

I would love it if the only toys my kids had was a marble tree and a couple of sticks.  I would glue cardboard to their shoe soles if I thought it was going to make them a better person. But the fact is, since the invention of plastic, kids have gone WILD for crappy toys. I myself was a hard lover of plastic shit when I was a kid. Charmkins, Cabbage Patch Kids, LEGO, Sweet Secrets, Barbies, you name it.

I guess you could say we were less educated in those days, regarding what a colossal mess the overuse of plastic would create. Am I proud? No. Will she be getting another one? HELL TO THE FUCKING NO.

Fuck You to the bunch of sadistic assholes at L.O.L. Headquarters, and especially Isaac Larian. This epic mindfuck should be illegal and I may even start a class action with my other brutalised mates to bring justice to this situation.

Here is the face Isaac pulls whenever a L.O.L. Surprise is sold.

NOT HAPPY JAN. Not happy at all. I’m going outside to play with some sticks.

THE END

Get ready Isaac, this Mumma is ANGRY.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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13 Comments Add yours

  1. YES. THIS. Thank you! My older one almost fell for other varieties of blind-packed garbage mini toys and I told her we were banning those from our house because they’re unfair to kids and an environmental nightmare. Then her TEACHER started using them as classroom incentives WTF. Next thing I know my toddler had half a plastic blue ball in her mouth. Thanks for the choking hazards, jerkfaces! I had to tell the teacher to quit it and the teacher basically shamed my kid in front of the class for our family not succumbing to this nonsense. I’m not wholly anti plastic, we’re definitely a Lego household, but these horrible acquisition-based toys have to GO.

  2. Justin says:

    You do it have to blaspheme the Lord Jesus Christ you know…….

    Have you ever asked yourself the deep question why do people get angry and curse the very one that died for their sins ??? Ever wonder why people don’t curse by any other name??? The reason is found in Romans chapter 8 verse 7. The carnal mind is at enmity against God, it is not subject to the law of God neither indeed can it be.. we must be born again… that means spiritually by Jesus Christ, By His Spirit…. only those who are not yet born of God by His Spirit are lost, without hope in this world, without the Spirit and dead in theirs sins, unknowingly being spiritually controlled by Satan filled with all hate, murder, lust, and blasphemy, and other sin.. please realize you have sinned before the Lord who died for you already and rose again from the dead to simply forgive you and also give you a brand new life right here and now and also eternal with him when you die physically here.

  3. Tarquin says:

    Holy freakin shit-balls. I agree 1000%. Our 5 year old daughter just lost her shit to epic proportions because we bought two of the smaller balls for her friend, and because she’s never had two at once, she wanted the same. These things are evil and I feel the same as you. I should never, EVER, have agreed to buy the first one. She acts like a crack addict, even going so far as to re-wrap the balls so she can re-live the surprise of discovering what doll she got in the balls.

    Obviously I feel stupid for buying these super expensive piles of plastic bollocks in the first place. But Youtube channels like the Fun Family Three and their unboxing videos really are a terrible example. Since a ‘treat’ for them is going to get a happy meal you can guess their average IQ and quality of life. Perhaps getting their channel shut down or reporting it for encouraging gambling and addictive tendencies in children might be worth pursuing.

    1. Far Kew says:

      That’s it. Once you buy one you’re epically shafted for the rest of your human life.

  4. Ri Linn says:

    Wow. Whoa. You have kids? You need to calm down, mom. This is a LOT to blame on a little plastic doll. I think you’re stressing yourself and your kids out completely unnecessarily. Toy fads come and go. They want to play with a messy toy, set them up at the table to open them. They want to buy more and more and more and be “brainwashed” into “gambling”? That’s just ridiculous and sounds like you can’t handle disciplining your own children.

  5. Sarah Ford says:

    I’ll join you in a class action lawsuit. On point article!

  6. Far Kew says:

    That sucks!

  7. Bruce says:

    Totally agree. They need ban these instead of straws. Larian is supposed to be progressive, but he is killing the planet to make a buck. I finally had to tell my daughter she could not watch the videos because I could not take them anymore. Now she watches Rawwfishing and loves it, but I digress. MGA Entertainment sucks. Period.

  8. Greg says:

    Yep

    Now they have counterfeit LOL dolls that are full of lead and phlatlets that are damaging or can be, which means they are. The counterfeit dolls are ruining his profits. It is my fault as the Father. Mom does not buy her these. I have stopped a little while back and yes the two young ladies who do the videos for the dolls’ roll outs are quite obsessed with the dolls at least in the media.

  9. Jaime says:

    Thank you so much for your fucking honesty. Made my fucking day. I was researching this shit because my five year old keeps asking for them. My partner and I keep pushing back. Thanks for your awesome authentic post. No fucking way!!!!

  10. Lolkiller says:

    How about the new and more expensive “hair goals” series with dolls with real hair… only that two of them don’t have real hair, that billionaire guy really is pushing it, someone should really start a class action lawsuit.

  11. Jessie says:

    How about the boyz lol dolls. They have a penis and balls. Let’s start a class action suit. I’m in!!

  12. John says:

    This is what happens when you let Jews infiltrate your country! They are mocking you! And for all who think I’m racist. Do. Your research. They will bring down this country.

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