Fuck You, Kids In Supermarkets.

Ever since my kids grew out of those little seats at the front of the trolley, I have avoided having them with me in the supermarket unless I have had absolutely no choice.

Why? Because supermarkets are set up to trap your little cherubs in a waist-height wonderland of shit. Bright colours, animal characters, appealing crunchy treats and mountains of surprise ball landfill. They even have magazines for kids with toys stuck to the outside of the bag. Right at the checkout…..the last hurdle after you’ve navigated the gauntlet from hell.

I know, regardless of what time of day it is, my kids will both turn into the World’s Biggest Asshole™ with a capital W for what-the-fuck-was-I-thinking. They get grabby, they get greedy, they get hungry and they get really fucking annoying. It happens EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME.

Today was extra amazing because it’s the last day of term. And that can only mean one thing. My kid is super duper tired and hanging onto her sanity by a thread. So when I found myself unable to get to the shops before the school and daycare pick-up, I simply had to take them both into Woolworths alone.

Literally crawling across the finish line. 

The fun started as soon as we walked in and they argued over who got which bit of free fruit. Then the next thing they saw was donuts. And cupcakes. And pineapples with the little blobs of glue that are just too damn exciting to walk past without playing with.

Next up was the first of the half price aisles. Now, they don’t give a fuck about the cheap Dynamo or the Moccona jars, they go straight for the bright boxes of Cocoa Pops, Fruit Loops and Nutri Grain. I’m now going to battle with two entranced kids whilst balancing my bags on either arm, and we’re only two rows in. I’m starting to sweat.

Excellent. Just what we need. Thanks Fresh Food Asshats.

We then bump into some daycare and school Mums and I am hoping to hell they are going to save the performance that I know is coming for a few aisles north of that conversation. I smile. My eyes are watering. I nod as if to say “I’ve got this”. But I don’t.

Because next up comes the half price chips. Chips are meant to be cheap. Cheap as chips, right? So usually I am suckered into buying a few bags because salt is clearly better than sugar.

$2, how can I say no?

It’s at this point they are grabbing stuff off the shelves and begging me LOUDLY, much to the other shoppers amusement, for absolutely anything crunchy, sweet, cheesy or chewy. I stay focussed and divert their attention elsewhere while I toss the packets back on the shelf and command authority.

But I’m weakening.

Sly move Woolies. Putting home essentials next to crap. Sly AF.

The marketing pricks professionals at Woolworths mix things up a bit at the ends of the aisles, so at some point you will be forced to be the voice of reason regarding how bad Cheezels and lemonade are for you, while you toss a few litres of cheap body wash into your hand basket. This isn’t impulse shopping kids, this is survival! I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up like those of my ancestors during a hunt.

Mamma bear ain’t done yet.

Oh yay. The surprisingly good Dr. Oetker pizzas are on sale every single fucking time I shop. My gunt salutes you Dr. Oetker. Well played Sir.

The freezer food is right opposite the toys on the very last aisle. So you will get the pleasure of denying your little ones Shopkins, L.O.L. Surprise Balls and Grossery Gang toys as you also wrestle with your own emotions over chips, pizza and crumbed fish fillets.

We do not usually eat this shit, but when you’ve waded through the bowels of Woolies on a Friday night with two kids 6 and under, you are not fighting in your prime.

Fuck You Woolworths. Fuck your cunningly laid out aisles messing with our senses and fuck your free fruit which starts to taste like sand when the kids see the breakfast cereal bargains and discounted LeSnaks. Fuck your Grossery Gang and your Shopkins and your L.O.L. Surprise Balls.

And an extra long, warm and moist middle finger goes to your magazines aimed at children. My kids can’t even read properly yet and they want this shit. It’s wrong.

But don’t stop putting Pantene on sale, as my dried up pubic-like hair needs a miracle. Like shopping with kids, I’ll get those silky locks back eventually. It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.


Liked it? Then like my page using the big ass box below and also check out my amazing gift shop, the Far Kew Emporium.


Sign up to get the latest fucking updates!

24 Comments Add yours

  1. Phuxxu2 says:

    I was wondering why I had your email address in my list of desirable people, and then I remembered that after coming across your blog, I thought it to be rather first rate.

    But you turned out to be a fat cunt and an ingrate.

    So I never wrote to you again.

    1. Far Kew says:

      Thanks so much for your kind words 😂😂😂

  2. Charlotte says:

    I’m hooked. You had me with the Lol surprise balls, and I’ve read nearly every post since. Hubby and I are dying! 😅
    Cheers, you’re great! ❤

  3. Charlotte Eva Freeman says:

    I’m dying!!! You had me with the lol surprise balls, now I can’t stop reading. 😅
    My daughter is 7, so I feel your pain. Cheers! ❤

  4. I’d add additional nuances that work with this. If I may?

  5. I’m uncertain about this post. Your premises are on point, but nevertheless it’s foolish to rely on whatever strangers may think. Please expand this, because I think you are an informative author and I want to learn more from you!

  6. Wow, this post is fastidious, my sister is analyzing these kinds of things, so I am going to let know her.

  7. Thank you for the good writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it.
    Look advanced to more added agreeable from you!

    By the way, how could we communicate?

  8. Hi colleagues, its great post regarding tutoringand entirely
    defined, keep it up all the time.

  9. Hi there to every body, it’s my first pay a quick visit of this blog;
    this weblog carries amazing and really fine information for

  10. Thank you for the good writeup. It if truth be told was a amusement account
    it. Glance complicated to far introduced agreeable from you!
    By the way, how can we keep in touch?

  11. Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you
    relied on the video to make your point. You clearly know what
    youre talking about, why throw away your intelligence on just
    posting videos to your site when you could be giving us something informative to read?

  12. Good article. I am facing many of these issues as well..

  13. Does your blog have a contact page? I’m having trouble
    locating it but, I’d like to shoot you an email. I’ve got some recommendations for your blog you might be
    interested in hearing. Either way, great blog and
    I look forward to seeing it develop over time.

  14. When someone writes an piece of writing he/she retains the plan of a user in his/her brain that how a
    user can know it. Thus that’s why this post is perfect.


  15. Helpful information. Fortunate me I discovered your web site by accident,
    and I am surprised why this accident did not took place
    earlier! I bookmarked it.

  16. Great goods from you, man. I have understand your stuff previous to and you’re just extremely
    wonderful. I really like what you’ve acquired here, certainly like what you’re stating and
    the way in which you say it. You make it enjoyable and
    you still care for to keep it smart. I can’t wait to read much more from you.
    This is really a tremendous website.

  17. Hey would you mind letting me know which webhost you’re utilizing?
    I’ve loaded your blog in 3 different internet browsers and I must say this blog loads
    a lot faster then most. Can you recommend a good web hosting
    provider at a fair price? Thanks, I appreciate it!

  18. Useful info. Fortunate me I found your web site
    by chance, and I am shocked why this twist of fate didn’t
    came about earlier! I bookmarked it.

  19. Hi i am kavin, its my first time to commenting anywhere, when i
    read this post i thought i could also create comment due to this
    good post.

  20. Like!! Really appreciate you sharing this blog post.Really thank you! Keep writing.

  21. What’s up to all, how is all, I think every one is getting more from this web page, and your views
    are good designed for new viewers.

  22. My developer is trying to persuade me to move to .net from PHP.
    I have always disliked the idea because of the expenses.

    But he’s tryiong none the less. I’ve been using WordPress on various websites for
    about a year and am anxious about switching to another platform.
    I have heard great things about blogengine.net.

    Is there a way I can transfer all my wordpress posts into it?
    Any kind of help would be greatly appreciated!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *