So many people asked me what my opinion of this gut wrenchingly awful video was that I could no longer stay silent.
You will no doubt have seen or at least heard about the apology video that Johnny Depp and his wife Amber Heard were forced to give yesterday as part of the punishment for smuggling their dogs Pistol and Boo undeclared into Australia last year.
Pistol are Boo are two little Yorkshire terriers, which if you are unfamiliar with the breed, are very fucking dangerous. Not only do they harbour deathly bacteria which can jump off them and kill other living things in seconds, they also carry guns. And we all know that’s bad.
Johnny puts in the performance of a lifetime as he implores travellers to do the right thing and protect our precious island home. “It has to be protected” he deadpans, perfectly embodying the character of a bloated drug addict who has been unwittingly caught on camera at precisely the second that the valium and half litre bottle of vodka hit. He gives no indication that he is sitting in a warm puddle of his own bowel contents. A true sign of being one of Hollywood’s brightest stars.
Meanwhile, hottie Amber stifles a laugh beside him and does most of the heavy dialogue. Which is a good thing, since she’s not exactly known for her acting chops. Maybe this is the big break she needed.
It’s just as well these two were not trying to sell anything, because they would have made the sum total of zero fucking cents.
Fuck You, Johnny Depp. Fuck you for trying to kill us with your gun toting animals and your law flouting hot wife. Since 21 Jump Street I’ve been one of your biggest fans. But now, since your diarrhoea soaked performance in that video, the magic is well and truly gone. Fuck You for becoming a sad old fuck that struggles to even give one. Fuck You for being so depressing that I now have to burn my Edward Scissorhands cardboard cut-out that I got from Video Ezy in the 90’s. And Fuck You for all the fruitless bean flicking I did thinking one day you’d be my husband.