Fuck You Instagram

on

Instagram. When I first heard of it I was unconvinced. I really didn’t think it would become as huge as it has over the past 5 years. But it is now huge. Mega fucking  facebook-buys-it-for-one-billion-dollars huge.

For a little while I played around with it and shared the odd snap of the kids, but the annoying cropping and size format eventually gave me the shits and I just stopped bothering.

The thing that gives me the massive angry face shits about Instagram is the evolution of photo sharing and the cliched style that has come along with it. Now millions of people feel compelled to take endless photos of their coffees, lunch, feet, cracks in the pavement, workouts, duck-face selfies, belfies (stab me in the face now), wings of planes, clouds, waves, thigh gaps, inspiring quotes, farmers markets, leaps in the air, pointing at mountains…..the list goes on and fucking on. I’m over it.

Doesn’t it annoy you when your Facebook feed is littered with pictures of your friends having a marvellous fucking time of doing absolutely nothing?

And the HASHTAGS. Stop it.

Right now, sadly,  I am not on holiday. I am not pointing at a fucking alpine mountain range in a stylish outfit and I am not eating anything that I’m proud to take a picture of. It’s just a run of the mill week with nothing worth shouting (or jumping) about.

I started to wonder in this age of social media how many people use Instagram to find friends and acceptance in a world obsessed with the visual? To get over my fury at having a boring fucking life that nobody wants to see I made an Instagram account for my alter ego Far Kew and started to document my shitty week.

The results were amazing. ANYONE can post pretty much anything on Instagram and it will find an audience. I’ll show you what I mean.

I had to go and pick up my dogs’ shit and took a photo. I added a nice filter and a couple of choice hashtags and look what happened within minutes.

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I was instantly famous and accepted by two sick puppies.

So then I went for a picture of my crack.

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Famous again! I have friends! Real friends! That are clearly following the hashtag #sock for reasons unfuckingbenownst to me.

Up next I had to clean my hole.

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Liked again! This is some crazy shit. How long until #someonepleasehelpmecleanmyhole starts trending?? If anyone can make it work, Far Kew can!

Lunchtime came next.

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More likes! On the saddest fucking pile of shit lunch you can imagine. Not a piece of kale or paleo bread in sight! Take that, smug vegan lunch posters!

Birds Eye are going to be banging my door down at any minute desperate to reach the massive audience that farkew_official is building on Instagram. And I’m going to CASH THE FUCK IN $$$$

Then nature called. And I documented it for the masses. Surely this one would go unnoticed, I didn’t really have any expectations whatsoever.

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BOOM! Two more friends! Loving my can cam! This was getting pretty fucking exciting.

Suddenly I had purpose. My day means something to someone. Even if it is someone called mindopenlegsclosed. Who the fuck cares? I had likes and I was going to get more.

I went for another hole shot just to make sure I wasn’t a one hit hole wonder.

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Friends friends everywhere. That love my hole. And could potentially help me figure out what that brown thing is in the middle.

Dinner time. Effortlessly presented Pad Thai from the local. Add a fork and a filter and it looks very fucking gourmet indeed.

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And so on and fucking so on. It’s easy!

I started getting cocky. I decided that I was going to try and break the internet. I’d done it before and I thought I could do it again. All you need is an iPhone, no clothes and some really big fucking balls.

So I took a shower and got nude. I gathered some props that I thought would be super popular and trend well on Instagram, then got to work. I arranged my body artfully in the mirror and started snapping away. It’s not easy manoeuvring my mumma chubb into an acceptable shape and I can now see the plight of the Kartrashians and how much time it takes to break the fucking internet.

But suddenly magic happens. There is no way I could have planned this with props and bad bathroom lighting. Sometimes shit just happens at the perfect time and life makes sense.

Check it out below. See how long it takes before you see the majesty that befalls you.

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Bingo bango the likes are pouring in! And they are loving my accidental dog face penis!

The first of my likes is a brand management place (yeah hi guys, over here…..I will do just about anything for cash), Some blonde chick who takes a lot of car selfies, dadbanger69 which is just fucking confusing but thankfully nothing to do with banging dads, some dog loving maniac, someone who photographs mason jars full of smoothies, someone who is into sports and beer and some pretty hot ginger hipster model from Brooklyn, NY.

So it’s a real mixed bag but they are now my friends. Anyone can do this. No longer will I feel shitty about not being on a pristine beach with a coconut cocktail that has an umbrella in it. Or not having a thigh gap. Or a duck face car selfie.

I might even have the strength to sit through the millions of filtered shots of fucking Easter eggs and hot cross buns this weekend.

Happy Easter to you, my sweet dear Farkers. Lady Gaga has her Monsters and I now have my little Farkers. And also these weird fucked up people from Instagram.

#whatevs #yougottaloveme #happyfarkingeaster

The End.

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8 Comments Add yours

  1. Lilybella says:

    I used intstagram to great effect when fundraising for Frocktober but slacked off since. Now I have read this I feel inspired again. Look forward to photos of a dirty dustpan complete with broken wine glass; pantry moths in the cornflakes; play doh ground into the carpet. 🙂 #cantwait #whynopunctuationhashtags #lovemel #lolz

    1. kiwipinky says:

      Who who have known
      Not even 7⭕️ Of separation

  2. Anna Brophy says:

    #wicked
    #laughoutloud
    Totally on board with #fuckyoufriday
    but…I admit…I do love me some Insta…

  3. Kirsty says:

    I am weeping with laughter here! Love it!

  4. Zane says:

    Hi,

    Is it not possible to launch a wordl-wide class action law suit against Facebook and it’s seriously annoying ad onslaught against private individuals? I have no account on Instagram, but they are blatantly invading my privacy and I cannot block their ads! Is this shit really legal?!

    1. Far Kew says:

      Good question and one I have pondered myself!!

  5. Voice Truth says:

    Hey, how’s it going?

    I want to pass along some very important news that everyone needs to hear!

    In December of 2017, Donald Trump made history by recognizing Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Why is this big news? Because by this the Jewish people of Israel are now able to press forward in bringing about the Third Temple prophesied in the Bible.

    Jewish Rabbis have publicly announced that their Messiah will be revealed in the coming years who will be a leader and spiritual guide to all nations, gathering all religions under the worship of one God.

    Biblical prophecy tells us that this Jewish Messiah who will take the stage will be the antichrist “who opposes and exalts himself above all that is called God or that is worshiped, so that he sits as God in the temple of God, showing himself that he is God” (2 Thessalonians 2:4). For a time he will bring about a false peace, but “Therefore when you see the ‘abomination of desolation,’ spoken of by Daniel the prophet, standing in the holy place (Matthew 24:15)…then there will be great tribulation, such as has not been since the beginning of the world until this time, no, nor ever shall be” (Matthew 24:21).

    More importantly, the power that runs the world wants to put a RFID microchip in our body making us total slaves to them. This chip matches perfectly with the Mark of the Beast in the Bible, more specifically in Revelation 13:16-18:

    “He causes all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on their right hand or on their foreheads, and that no one may buy or sell except one who has the mark or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.

    Here is wisdom. Let him who has understanding calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man: His number is 666.”

    Referring to the last days, this could only be speaking of a cashless society, which we have yet to see, but are heading towards. Otherwise, we could still buy or sell without the mark amongst others if physical money was still currency. This Mark couldn’t be spiritual because the word references two different physical locations. If it was spiritual it would just say in the forehead. RFID microchip implant technology will be the future of a one world cashless society containing digital currency. It will be implanted in the right-hand or the forehead, and we cannot buy or sell without it. Revelation 13:11-18 tells us that a false prophet will arise on the world scene doing miracles before men, deceiving them to receive this Mark. Do not be deceived! We must grow strong in Jesus. AT ALL COSTS, DO NOT TAKE IT!

    “Then a third angel followed them, saying with a loud voice, “If anyone worships the beast and his image, and receives his mark on his forehead or on his hand, he himself shall also drink of the wine of the wrath of God, which is poured out full strength into the cup of His indignation. He shall be tormented with fire and brimstone in the presence of the holy angels and in the presence of the Lamb. And the smoke of their torment ascends forever and ever; and they have no rest day or night, who worship the beast and his image, and whoever receives the mark of his name” (Revelation 14:9-11).

    People have been saying the end is coming for many years, but we needed two key things. One, the Third Temple, and two, the technology for a cashless society to fulfill the prophecy of the Mark of the Beast.

    Visit http://WWW.BIBLEFREEDOM.COM to see proof for these things and why the Bible truly is the word of God!

    If you haven’t already, it is time to seek God with all your heart. Jesus loves you more than you could imagine. He wants to have a relationship with you and redeem you from your sins. Turn to Him and repent while there is still hope! This is forever…God bless!

    “EITHER HUMAN INTELLIGENCE ULTIMATELY OWES ITS ORIGIN TO MINDLESS MATTER OR THERE IS A CREATOR…” – JOHN LENNOX

    We all know God exists. Why? Because without Him, we couldn’t prove anything at all. Do we live our lives as if we cannot know anything? No. So why is God necessary? In order to know anything for certain, you would have to know everything, or have revelation from somebody who does. Who is capable of knowing everything? God. So to know anything, you would have to be God, or know God.

    A worldview without God cannot account for the uniformity and intelligibility of nature. And why is it that we can even reason that God is the best explanation for this if there is no God? We are given reason to know or reject God, but never to know that He does not exist.

    It has been calculated by Roger Penrose that the odds of the initial conditions for the big bang to produce the universe that we see to be a number so big, that we could put a zero on every particle in the universe, and even that would not be enough to use every zero. What are the odds that God created the universe? Odds are no such thing. Who of you would gamble your life on one coin flip?

    Is there evidence that the Bible is the truth? Yes. Did you know that the creation accounts listed in the book of Genesis are not only all correct, but are also in the correct chronological order? That the Bible doesn’t say the Earth was formed in six 24-hour days but rather six long but finite periods of time? That the Bible makes 10 times more creation claims than all major “holy” books combined with no contradictions, while these other books have errors in them? The Bible stood alone by concurring with the big bang saying, “In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth” (Genesis 1:1); and says our universe is expanding, thousands of years before scientists discovered these things. Watch a potential life-changing video on the website listed below with Astronomer(PhD) Hugh Ross explaining all these facts based on published scientific data. He has authored many books, backed even by atheist scientists.

    Jesus came to pay a debt that we could not; to be our legal justifier to reconcile us back to a Holy God; only if we are willing to receive Him: “For the wages of sin is death…” (Romans 6:23).

    God so loved the world that He gave us His only begotten son, so that whoever believes in Him, through faith, shall not perish, but have everlasting life. Jesus says if we wish to enter into life to keep the commands! The two greatest commands are to love God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind; and your neighbor as yourself. All the law hang on these commands. We must be born of and lead by the Holy Spirit, to be called children of God, to inherit the kingdom. If we are willing to humble ourselves in prayer to Jesus, to confess and forsake our sins, He is willing to give the Holy Spirit to those who keep asking of Him; giving us a new heart, leading us into all truth!

    Jesus came to free us from the bondage of sin. The everlasting fire was prepared for the devil and his angels due to disobedience to God’s law. If we do the same, what makes us any different than the devil? Jesus says unless we repent, we shall perish. For sin is the transgression of the law. We must walk in the Spirit so we may not fulfill the lusts of the flesh, being hatred, fornication, drunkenness and the like. Whoever practices such things will not inherit the kingdom (Galatians 5:16-26). If we sin, we may come before Jesus to ask for forgiveness (1 John 2:1-2). Evil thoughts are not sins, but rather temptations. It is not until these thoughts conceive and give birth by our own desires that they become sin (James 1:12-15). When we sin, we become in the likeness of the devil’s image, for he who sins is of the devil (1 John 3:8); but if we obey Jesus, in the image of God. For without holiness, we shall not see the Lord (Hebrews 12:14).

    The oldest religion in the world is holiness through faith (James 1:27). What religion did Adam and Eve follow before the fall? Jesus, Who became the last Adam, what religion does He follow? Is He not holy? He never told us to follow the rituals and traditions of man but to take up our cross and follow Him (Luke 9:23). There are many false doctrines being taught leading people astray. This is why we need the Holy Spirit for discernment. Unlike religion, holiness cannot be created. It is given to us from above by the baptism of the Spirit. Jesus is more than a religion; He is about having a personal relationship with the Father. Start by reading the Gospel of Matthew, to hear the words of God, to know His character and commandments. Follow and obey Jesus, for He is the way, the truth, and the life!

  6. Like!! I blog quite often and I genuinely thank you for your information. The article has truly peaked my interest.

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