Instagram. When I first heard of it I was unconvinced. I really didn’t think it would become as huge as it has over the past 5 years. But it is now huge. Mega fucking facebook-buys-it-for-one-billion-dollars huge.
For a little while I played around with it and shared the odd snap of the kids, but the annoying cropping and size format eventually gave me the shits and I just stopped bothering.
The thing that gives me the massive angry face shits about Instagram is the evolution of photo sharing and the cliched style that has come along with it. Now millions of people feel compelled to take endless photos of their coffees, lunch, feet, cracks in the pavement, workouts, duck-face selfies, belfies (stab me in the face now), wings of planes, clouds, waves, thigh gaps, inspiring quotes, farmers markets, leaps in the air, pointing at mountains…..the list goes on and fucking on. I’m over it.
Doesn’t it annoy you when your Facebook feed is littered with pictures of your friends having a marvellous fucking time of doing absolutely nothing?
And the HASHTAGS. Stop it.
Right now, sadly, I am not on holiday. I am not pointing at a fucking alpine mountain range in a stylish outfit and I am not eating anything that I’m proud to take a picture of. It’s just a run of the mill week with nothing worth shouting (or jumping) about.
I started to wonder in this age of social media how many people use Instagram to find friends and acceptance in a world obsessed with the visual? To get over my fury at having a boring fucking life that nobody wants to see I made an Instagram account for my alter ego Far Kew and started to document my shitty week.
The results were amazing. ANYONE can post pretty much anything on Instagram and it will find an audience. I’ll show you what I mean.
I had to go and pick up my dogs’ shit and took a photo. I added a nice filter and a couple of choice hashtags and look what happened within minutes.
I was instantly famous and accepted by two sick puppies.
So then I went for a picture of my crack.
Famous again! I have friends! Real friends! That are clearly following the hashtag #sock for reasons unfuckingbenownst to me.
Up next I had to clean my hole.
Liked again! This is some crazy shit. How long until #someonepleasehelpmecleanmyhole starts trending?? If anyone can make it work, Far Kew can!
Lunchtime came next.
More likes! On the saddest fucking pile of shit lunch you can imagine. Not a piece of kale or paleo bread in sight! Take that, smug vegan lunch posters!
Birds Eye are going to be banging my door down at any minute desperate to reach the massive audience that farkew_official is building on Instagram. And I’m going to CASH THE FUCK IN $$$$
Then nature called. And I documented it for the masses. Surely this one would go unnoticed, I didn’t really have any expectations whatsoever.
BOOM! Two more friends! Loving my can cam! This was getting pretty fucking exciting.
Suddenly I had purpose. My day means something to someone. Even if it is someone called mindopenlegsclosed. Who the fuck cares? I had likes and I was going to get more.
I went for another hole shot just to make sure I wasn’t a one hit hole wonder.
Friends friends everywhere. That love my hole. And could potentially help me figure out what that brown thing is in the middle.
Dinner time. Effortlessly presented Pad Thai from the local. Add a fork and a filter and it looks very fucking gourmet indeed.
And so on and fucking so on. It’s easy!
I started getting cocky. I decided that I was going to try and break the internet. I’d done it before and I thought I could do it again. All you need is an iPhone, no clothes and some really big fucking balls.
So I took a shower and got nude. I gathered some props that I thought would be super popular and trend well on Instagram, then got to work. I arranged my body artfully in the mirror and started snapping away. It’s not easy manoeuvring my mumma chubb into an acceptable shape and I can now see the plight of the Kartrashians and how much time it takes to break the fucking internet.
But suddenly magic happens. There is no way I could have planned this with props and bad bathroom lighting. Sometimes shit just happens at the perfect time and life makes sense.
Check it out below. See how long it takes before you see the majesty that befalls you.
Bingo bango the likes are pouring in! And they are loving my accidental dog face penis!
The first of my likes is a brand management place (yeah hi guys, over here…..I will do just about anything for cash), Some blonde chick who takes a lot of car selfies, dadbanger69 which is just fucking confusing but thankfully nothing to do with banging dads, some dog loving maniac, someone who photographs mason jars full of smoothies, someone who is into sports and beer and some pretty hot ginger hipster model from Brooklyn, NY.
So it’s a real mixed bag but they are now my friends. Anyone can do this. No longer will I feel shitty about not being on a pristine beach with a coconut cocktail that has an umbrella in it. Or not having a thigh gap. Or a duck face car selfie.
I might even have the strength to sit through the millions of filtered shots of fucking Easter eggs and hot cross buns this weekend.
Happy Easter to you, my sweet dear Farkers. Lady Gaga has her Monsters and I now have my little Farkers. And also these weird fucked up people from Instagram.
#whatevs #yougottaloveme #happyfarkingeaster