Fuck You, House Hunting. 

As many of you know, I’ve been given the arse from my rental property in Melbourne and we need to evacuate Chateau Far Kew. Bum. With two dogs, two kids and a husband to ship off to pastures new, it’s no easy feat. But before any of that relocation bullshit begins, we need to find new digs.

We’ve spent the last four weekends in the car driving around trying to figure out the real estate landscape to rent or buy down here. And it ain’t pretty. Actually, much of it is very pretty, just nothing we can afford.

Making things even harder are the bullshit real estate lies that are designed to get punters in, before the awful truth smacks them in the kisser. Terms like “Tropical Oasis” seem out of place in the middle of the frigid Melbournian winter, but, you know, fuck it. If you’ve got a 2x2m patch of Astro turf for your dog to piss on and a potted plant on your balcony, you may as well try your luck.

It's a tropical oasis y'all.
It’s a tropical oasis y’all.
In the areas we’ve been looking in “Endless Possibilities” basically means there is a mafia graveyard underneath the bedroom floor and STCA means “Subject To Cops Arrival”. “Steps to transport” means the RSL mini van stops outside the front door and “In A Class of Its Own” means there is quite literally nothing like it on the planet. For good reason.

Don’t assume your kids are going to find this divorce-inducing exercise fun either. You’d better be armed with an endless supply of high value snacks in the car, or the little fuckers will make you pay. We stayed for an auction just to see what the environment was like, and let’s just say we tested the limits of the hoardes of Chinese investors. Whilst their little angels stayed silent, ours tried to ride the owners kids bikes in the driveway, yelled right at the critical moment of the hammer slam and the little one bit my hand when I tried to muffle his shrieks. Shaking him up and down vigorously over the back fence was clearly not enough.

One place we inspected was a brand new townhouse that nobody has ever lived in. So imagine my horror when I turned around to find my almost-four-year-old on the can in the ensuite with her pants around her ankles whilst other potential buyers peeked their heads around the corner. The shame.

I'm so getting one of these to scare away the competition.
I’m so getting one of these to scare away the competition.

Fuck You, House Hunting. Fuck your ridiculous cliches that nobody fucking buys. You and I know know full well that “Updated Bathroom” means 4 ply bog roll and a new towel. “Classic Charmer” means it smells like grandmas adult diapers and “Bring your imagination” means the neighbours are ice addicts. Fuck your 15-30 min time slots meaning you’ve got to break the sound barrier in between inspections to cram them all in and fuck the smarmy Real Estate agents that are trained to speak with one eyebrow raised at all times. We’ll see the suit brigade again tomorrow. Assholes.


Liked it? Then like the Fuck You Friday page by clicking the big ass page like box below. Or be buried under my new house.


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  33. Hi there! I know this is kinda off topic however I’d figured I’d
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  34. Hey I know this is off topic but I was wondering if you knew of any widgets I could add
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  37. I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my own blog and
    was wondering what all is required to get set up? I’m assuming having
    a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny?
    I’m not very web savvy so I’m not 100% certain. Any suggestions or advice would
    be greatly appreciated. Thank you

  38. Hi there! This is kind of off topic but I need some help
    from an established blog. Is it difficult to set up your own blog?

    I’m not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty fast.

    I’m thinking about making my own but I’m not sure where to start.
    Do you have any tips or suggestions? With thanks

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  40. I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting
    my own weblog and was curious what all is needed to get set up?
    I’m assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny?
    I’m not very web savvy so I’m not 100% certain. Any suggestions or
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  41. I don’t know if it’s just me or if everybody else encountering issues with
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  42. I really like your blog.. very nice colors &
    theme. Did you create this website yourself or did you hire
    someone to do it for you? Plz answer back
    as I’m looking to design my own blog and would like to find out where u
    got this from. many thanks