Fuck You, Flat Sheets.

You all know I am having some issues with my sleeping. Well if you didn’t, you do now. It sucks a large amount of balls to try and smash life when you haven’t slept and I’m slowly going out of  my mind.

I’ve been here before and was saved by a book which I’ve mentioned before called The Effortless Sleep Method by Sasha Stephens. This book is the SHIZ.  Watch this space as I am trying to get an interview with the woman I credit with saving my sanity two years ago.

Without going into too much detail, one of the things suggested in the book is to get the best quality bed linen you can afford. I’m talking hotel quality, big fluffy pillows, fresh gorgeous sheets and divine quilt covers. So I went out and dumped a large chunk of cash on some new Sheridan gear for my bed.

Now, I do not usually sleep with a flat sheet because I find them annoying. But I decided to go the whole hog and make my bed look like the Presidential Suite of the world’s fanciest hotel. I carefully made up the bed with my beautiful new sheets, fluffed up my embossed white quilt cover and meticulously arranged my assortment of pillows. I was ready to sleep like a champion.

Midway through the night I awoke tangled up in the fucking flat sheet looking like a spiders midnight catch. It was trying to choke me! Couple this with the fact I almost severed part of my beef curtains on the hanger tag of my new pyjamas, let’s just say I was having a very fucking bad time.

In my opinion flat sheets are absolutely bloody useless unless you are Tziporah Malkah heading to the mailbox or need to make a ghost outfit for Halloween.  They don’t stay tucked, they choke you in the middle of the night and if you manage to wake up alive they are usually balled up in the middle of the bed.


But they stop you having to wash your sheets so often! I hear you cry. I’ll live with it. I don’t work in a fucking mine, I’m not that dirty.

So, what do do with all those flat sheets you’ve got lying around in the cupboard? Make a tent for the kids, climb out of a burning building by tying them together, fashion a cheapskates hammock or find some dead people and chuck it over the top of them. OK, find a morgue and donate them to the cause.

Flat sheets? Get fucked. You are as useful to the world as a hat full of assholes.


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