Fuck You, Father’s Day.

Fuck You, Mother’s Day back in May, was me venting my frustration at the utter shite that was marketed towards us for this special Hallmark Holiday. Well folks, I’m sorry to tell you that it doesn’t get any fucking better for Father’s Day. In fact, I dare say it is worse. Much, much, worse.

Let’s check out the offerings shall we?

The Darrell Lea Dad’s Bag. Full of liquorice all-sorts, liquorice and then liquorice bullets if you haven’t got enough liquorice. All for the bargain price of $25. Now, since nobody under the age of 80 eats liquorice, this is possibly the reason why Darrell Lea had to close all of their stores. Because the target market are all busy dying.

If you are unlucky enough to get given one of these this Father’s Day, just hope to hell you also get given the next thing on this list as you will be very busy leaking faeces for the next few days.

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Oh, you shouldn’t have…..No seriously….you really shouldn’t have.
Undies. Sooooo many undies. Because every dad around the world will be THRILLED with these.

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Shit your liquorice straight into these here pants.
It’s such a popular choice that they even make undies for the Tradie Dads. <Insert joke about the tradesman’s entrance here>.

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Because all Tradies have a filthy porn moustache and wear a headband.
Then there is the Polo Shirt. And for this young dad, he can be really sure he won’t be having any more kids when he pops this bad boy on. It’s a fashion vasectomy.

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I might be smiling, but I’m dying inside.
Remind Dad he’s an “Award Winning Father”. Geddit? Hands up who has a dad that wants to wear a giant chocolate medal around their neck. Yeah, didn’t fucking think so.

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Quality chocolate made in China. But at least it doesn’t have liquorice in it, so there’s that.
What about a Dance Mat for Daddy dearest? Put your  hands up in the air like you  just don’t care want to kill yourself.

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Pair this ridiculous dance mat with a giant beach ball so you can look like an utter fool on the beach.
The clue to how unappreciated this pile of shit gift will be….it’s already on sale and it isn’t even Father’s Day yet.

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If you got given this, your life is basically over.
It’s Midnight and you are scrambling for ideas. Then you see this apron. DON’T DO IT.

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No. This is what douche bag looks like.
I’m pretty sure the last thing this “Mr Perfect” wants is a fucking pink cardigan and a braided belt.

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I was a sperm donor and this is seriously awkward.
Lynx. Because you stink.

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Get into The Reject Shop for all the shit that didn’t sell at Christmas.

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Best before date is September 5th.
Like this terrific mug made in Microsoft WordArt. Naaaaaw.

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With every sip of your coffee you will feel the effort that went into choosing this gift.
Folding cane and barley sugars anyone?

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Say what words simply can’t, with a folding cane.
Or how about some beard and moustache dye? Because Hipster Dads need love too.

This guy looks like he stuck a merkin onto his chin.
This guy looks like he stuck a merkin onto his chin.
David Jones had the best of the pickings, though I still had a problem with the guy on the poster. He just can’t seem to choose which Maggie Beer Verjuice he will use on his new Weber BBQ’d feast. Who the hell is he kidding? This guy has never cooked a fucking sausage in his life.

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Oh just go home and starch your shirt again you twat.
So again it’s a massive marketing fail full of socks, jocks, liquorice and oversized chocolate medals. It’s a bonanza of shit for the men in our life who deserve fucking better than this.

What about the Dads that aren’t ready for a pink cardigan and some boat shoes? What about the tradies who don’t have a dirty porn stache and a tennis headband? Or the guys that would rather curl up and die than wear a fucking polo shirt. What about them? How about the old dads that don’t really want to be force fed liquorice while they walk around with their collapsible cane and dribble shit?

I’ll tell you what Dad wants this Father’s Day. Probably a hug, some breakfast, lunch or dinner. A reminder that he has people in his life that love him and that this parenting gig was actually a good idea. He wants to feel special, even if it is a made up holiday. Give him a kiss, some down time and a heartfelt “THANKS” for being the rocking dad that he is.

Because he probably does not want a dance mat or a WordArt mug.

THE END

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4 Comments Add yours

  1. Noooooo! Not a dance mat contest!!!

    I can’t stand anything that’s gender based quite honestly. Ever tried to find a birthday card for someone that isn’t completely fucking sexist and weird? Like WTF.

    Not every man wants a joke about tits or beer. Not every woman gives a shit about girly shit like shopping and stuff. GRRR.

  2. Uninspired says:

    In the way of gifts, my dad likes licorice and other chocolate, books, hugs and not much else, so he usually gets those three times a year every year (Birthday, Christmas and Fathers Day). But once every five or ten years I strike gold, so this year he will luck out with tix to see his favourite AFL team play his second favourite AFL team in the first round of the finals. By Christmas we’ll be back to normal.
    Poor mum, on the other hand, hasn’t had a truly good gift since I worked at a jewellery shop 8 years ago and found the perfect piece for her. Fingers crossed something comes up in the next few months. 🙂

  3. Becky says:

    Bahahaha!!! I sooo got my hubby tradie underwear last year! This year.. I won’t lie. Socks. But I swear he has been asking for them. The liquorice thing made me snort with laughter, haha! 🙂

  4. Hahaha … I think most Dads would rather starch their own shirts than play a game on a dance mat with their kids. And I could imagine the reaction if the kids gave their Dad a hair/beard dye! We actually have spent weeks looking for the perfect gift for their Dad and come up with nothing. I actually suggested putting together a photo board for him but they said he wouldn’t have room to put it and a photo book would be ‘lame’. He’s diabetic so he can’t have sweets, and he has a wife so he’d hate us choosing his clothes. They are making him something instead so I hope he will like that. (But the licorice? Mr 15 saw that and asked if HE could have one. He LOVES licorice. Go figure.)

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