Fuck You, Mother’s Day back in May, was me venting my frustration at the utter shite that was marketed towards us for this special Hallmark Holiday. Well folks, I’m sorry to tell you that it doesn’t get any fucking better for Father’s Day. In fact, I dare say it is worse. Much, much, worse.
Let’s check out the offerings shall we?
The Darrell Lea Dad’s Bag. Full of liquorice all-sorts, liquorice and then liquorice bullets if you haven’t got enough liquorice. All for the bargain price of $25. Now, since nobody under the age of 80 eats liquorice, this is possibly the reason why Darrell Lea had to close all of their stores. Because the target market are all busy dying.
If you are unlucky enough to get given one of these this Father’s Day, just hope to hell you also get given the next thing on this list as you will be very busy leaking faeces for the next few days.
Undies. Sooooo many undies. Because every dad around the world will be THRILLED with these.
It’s such a popular choice that they even make undies for the Tradie Dads. <Insert joke about the tradesman’s entrance here>.
Then there is the Polo Shirt. And for this young dad, he can be really sure he won’t be having any more kids when he pops this bad boy on. It’s a fashion vasectomy.
Remind Dad he’s an “Award Winning Father”. Geddit? Hands up who has a dad that wants to wear a giant chocolate medal around their neck. Yeah, didn’t fucking think so.
What about a Dance Mat for Daddy dearest? Put your hands up in the air like you
just don’t care want to kill yourself.
The clue to how unappreciated this pile of shit gift will be….it’s already on sale and it isn’t even Father’s Day yet.
It’s Midnight and you are scrambling for ideas. Then you see this apron. DON’T DO IT.
I’m pretty sure the last thing this “Mr Perfect” wants is a fucking pink cardigan and a braided belt.
Lynx. Because you stink.
Get into The Reject Shop for all the shit that didn’t sell at Christmas.
Like this terrific mug made in Microsoft WordArt. Naaaaaw.
Folding cane and barley sugars anyone?
Or how about some beard and moustache dye? Because Hipster Dads need love too.
David Jones had the best of the pickings, though I still had a problem with the guy on the poster. He just can’t seem to choose which Maggie Beer Verjuice he will use on his new Weber BBQ’d feast. Who the hell is he kidding? This guy has never cooked a fucking sausage in his life.
So again it’s a massive marketing fail full of socks, jocks, liquorice and oversized chocolate medals. It’s a bonanza of shit for the men in our life who deserve fucking better than this.
What about the Dads that aren’t ready for a pink cardigan and some boat shoes? What about the tradies who don’t have a dirty porn stache and a tennis headband? Or the guys that would rather curl up and die than wear a fucking polo shirt. What about them? How about the old dads that don’t really want to be force fed liquorice while they walk around with their collapsible cane and dribble shit?
I’ll tell you what Dad wants this Father’s Day. Probably a hug, some breakfast, lunch or dinner. A reminder that he has people in his life that love him and that this parenting gig was actually a good idea. He wants to feel special, even if it is a made up holiday. Give him a kiss, some down time and a heartfelt “THANKS” for being the rocking dad that he is.
Because he probably does not want a dance mat or a WordArt mug.
Liked it? Then go ahead and like the Far Kew Facebook page or I’ll challenge you to a dance mat contest.