During my trip to Sydney this week, I hijacked The Husband’s hotel room at the Hilton, considering it a mini perk of having the night off from my kids. He was staying there on business and I took it upon myself to sleep there. It’s a nice hotel, one of Sydney’s best and seems to be catering more for the business guest than the leisure traveller. I didn’t care. I was there for the comfy bed and the proximity to the things I needed to do in the CBD.

Once I curled up in my PJ’s and started padding around the room checking stuff out, I came across something I had never seen before. An automatic mini bar. Meaning if you so much as touch anything on this tray or move it, it gets charged to your room regardless of if you consume it. As soon as I saw it I looked up at the ceiling, convinced I was going to find hidden cameras documenting my every move. I was thirsty, but not that thirsty. Anyone care for some $8 Mount Franklin water after too many drinks at the bar?

How about if you accidentally bump into the tray? You’ll be slugged amost $100.

I wondered if there were any cheaper alternatives, so I flicked through the menu. No good news there.

Just for shits and giggles I checked out the dinner menu. This is where they start getting a little crafty using fancy sounding ingredients like mesclun (lettuce), lamb lettuce (lettuce), barberries (little sour red things off a wild bush) and “forgotten grains” which were forgotten for a fucking reason. They are gross. A sandwich with chips is $29, or a simple pasta with tomato sauce, basil and cheese could be in your room within minutes for a mere $36.

I then began to wonder if breakfast would be any better value. And found a bowl of cereal with toast for $30. Or an eye wateringly expensive big breakfast for $45! I was also shocked to find this room didn’t even have a Nespresso machine or a plunger, just tea bags and those little crappy sachets of coffee. WTF? I put them all in my luggage in pure disgust.

It was clear at this point that I was going to starve to death, so I went out like any good Australian tight arse would and got some Japanese hand rolls and a bottle of beer. It cost a grand total of $15 and most of that was the beer.

Fuck You, Hilton hotel for your scary automatic minibars proving you do not trust your clientele paying through the nose for your rooms. Fuck your $8 water and your $30 Coco Pops with toast. Fuck your exotic sounding sour berries that probably taste like shit and fuck your lamb lettuce too. It’s fucking lettuce. LETTUCE! Sheep eat it. It’s a fucking weed.

THE END

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