It’s Fuck You Friday! YEAH!!!
If the shocking victories in this week’s Super Tuesday 2 are anything to go by, Donald Trump could be the next President of the United States of America. Because a lot of really, really, really stupid people live there and they think that’s a good idea. And I’m scared.
This post is not about politics. I’ll leave that to John Oliver – the only man I believe can bring Donald to his knees. Yes, I can sell Himalayan fart salt on eBay for a tidy profit but John Oliver has managed to sell 35,000 of his “Make Donald Drumpf Again” hats. Even Jay Z was begging him for one. Amazing. #drumpf He’s a man on a mission to save the world and, if there is any chance in hell of surviving the Trumpocalypse, then John Oliver will lead us there.
No, this post is not about politics, it’s about me having to see pictures of this man absolutely fucking everywhere 24 hours a day. I can’t deal anymore.
Some of it’s funny.
Some of it’s scary.
Some of it’s depressing.
But the photos that are bothering me more than the sad fact this guy might end up in one of the world’s most powerful positions are any ones that feature his face. Which is most of them.
This one below made me want to scoop out my eyeballs with hot spoons.
Look closely to the left of his anus-shaped mouth. The crusty white deposit of saliva is making my stomach turn.
Take a closer look.
Now, somebody tell me why one of the richest men in the world (who has so many staff he probably has one to help with every bodily function) cannot wipe his fucking mouth.
I simply cannot deal with any part of this man’s face. The hair, the orange, the chin, the anus mouth. It’s all bad. All of it. I see a photo of him and I instantly feel sick.
My mind starts running away as I begin thinking about him casually jumping poor Melania in the morning before a rally. I imagine him rolling off her, cleaning his teeth and then high-fiving himself in the mirror mouthing “Pump The Trump”. I begin to imagine the noise he makes when he takes a shit in one of his golden toilets. Then when I think of a golden toilet I think he is probably into golden showers. Then I start thinking of him enthusiastically jumping Melania again and giving her a golden shower. Then I start thinking about my name which is way too close to Melania and I wonder about what I would do if I had the misfortune to wake up next to Donald Trump. Then I start thinking about the series of events that would lead me to end up in bed with Donald Trump. And if I would have to smell his breath. Would I faint? And I wonder if I had to talk to him, would I get that bit of spittle from the edge of his mouth on me? And if he kissed me, would it stick to my face? And would it taste like anything – or nothing at all? Then I wonder, if he becomes the President, would he come to Australia? And I wonder if I actually would see him in public. Would he somehow know that I’ve been thinking about him shitting in his golden toilet and giving Melania golden showers.
And then I realise: this is the power of Donald Trump. He can hypnotise you with his ugly fucking face. He doesn’t have the talent to rule the United States of America. Instead, he is using his anus mouth face to turn the poor citizens into zombies and melt their fucking brains! He’s already foaming at the mouth, maybe Donald Trump is a zombie too! How else can we explain what’s happening?!
I am freaking the fuck out here. I’ve got an obsessive mind and it’s really terrifying. You might think there is an easy solution to this. Don’t think about Donald Trump. But how can I stop thinking about him when the world is in danger and his hypnotic arse face is absolutely everywhere?
So Fuck You Donald Trump. Fuck the billions of dollars you are using to hypnotise stupid people and fuck your cats arse spit mouth that flaps up and down all day.