Fuck You, Coronavirus.

The world is currently in the early stages of a full-blown freak out about what we’re calling “Corona virus”.

More accurately, though, it’s a Coronavirus (CoV), one part of a large family of viruses that cause anything from the common cold to SARS and MERS.  This one is technically a “novel coronavirus”  – a new strain that has not been previously identified in humans.

That’s because it came from animals, exotic ones that humans have been getting WAY too close to and probably should not have been eating medium rare.

But like all viruses, our best way of dealing with it is preventing its spread.

Which means not wiping boogers on your workmates. Covering your mouth when you sneeze. Washing your hands. And staying home when you’re sick, not hoping on a geriatric cruise liner. You, know, common sense shit.

But common sense seems to be in short supply, like bog roll at my local Aldi. And this is just the start….

A few weeks ago I posted this meme on my page. Light hearted as it was, I had no idea that worse was to come.


As the mainstream media shared story after story of the rapid spread of COVID-19, and our Governments slowly (very fucking slowly) introduced travel restrictions for China,  we all started to get a little freaked out. Could this be the apocalypse? The end of the world as we know it?

Who you gonna call? Well, actually nobody, because we are all going to fucking die.

Articles suggesting people were panic buying supplies began to circulate. And that made people start to panic buy. Within days, the supermarket aisles were wiped clean of staples such as toilet paper, hand sanitiser and rice.


So bad were the scare tactics that someone even pulled a KNIFE on another shopper over some bog roll. I kid you fucking not.

Screen Shot 2020-03-06 at 9.22.51 pm
That’s not a knife, THIS is a knife.
No, this is not grand final weekend. This is doomsday prep at Costco.

Australians began literally shitting themselves at the thought of impending death, and the race for the coveted poo tickets reached fever pitch all over the country. Signs stating people would only be able to buy one or two packets were plastered all over the supermarkets.

And then the memes cranked up a notch…..

The waffle stomp is set to make a comeback.



Give me a home among the gumtrees.


Have we become the laughing stock of the world? Could this really be the end? How much toilet paper, canned beef and rice does one need to purchase for 14 days in solitary confinement?

But don’t worry. If things get really bad, we can just use hand sanitiser! Or not. Because that is sold out too. And evil opportunists have jacked up the price to keep us all on our toes.

Screen Shot 2020-03-06 at 9.37.12 pm
Bargain. Not.
That guy is seriously methed up.
If Sally drinks 4 litres of hand sanitiser and Billy drinks what’s left, how many rolls of toilet paper is Jenny left with?

One thing is for certain. We are utterly fucked if the proverbial shit does hit the fan. Based on the fights that have broken out over a bit of fucking bog roll, lets not assume that humankind in Australia is ready to deal with a potential pandemic.

We are hearing things like “self isolation”, “social distancing” and giving someone a back slap instead of a high-five or a hand shake. Things could get bad. Very bad.

People say “Oh, but the flu kills more people per year”. Yes, currently that is true. However with such little knowledge about this current coronavirus, Covid-19, it is too early to say exactly how bad this will get.

For now, I’m sitting pretty on my two boxes of Who Gives a Crap and thanking my lucky stars that I live on a mountain with a big basement. Because if the apocalypse does happen, I have at least 8 weeks of spam and a litre of hand sanitiser at the ready.



Got no bog roll and no knife to fight for some? Get your sanitiser and one-ply here.

Coronavirus Survival


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