Oh my god. Where to fucking start. I know, Christmas shopping can suck the world’s biggest bag of dicks until it chokes on the dicks and dies a horrible death.
Just kidding, there is so much more to share!
Because I am such a disorganised person and because I have two very small kids and a business to run, Christmas sneaks up on me like herpes. Only it’s much less fun. Not that I’d know, but I imagine having herpes to be better than the hell that is Christmas shopping. The malls are packed to the brim with slow walking, phone watching, stinky people who are just a teeny bit aggravating and make me a little bit (a lot) stabby.
Firstly, if you can deal with the Ethel’s and the general bad parking public and actually manage to find a parking spot at all, you’ll be sent straight to hell once you walk through the doors. Sure, it might look exciting, what with all the tinsel and shit, but you’ll soon be a quivering mess and potentially walk out hours later empty handed. At least that’s what happens to me.
On the other Hallmark holidays like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day that are not real holidays at all, but purely invented to make us buy shit we don’t need out of guilt, the gifts are usually quite terrible. Christmas, however, is a different story. There is SO much to buy because it’s all-inclusive, so it makes it extra tricky to decide on exactly which gifts to buy.
Still, I managed to sniff out a few doozies to share with you so that you can check your list (twice) and make sure you didn’t buy any of this crap. Alternatively, if you end up getting given one of these pieces of shit on Xmas day, then you know well and truly that nobody loves you.
The first cab off the rank is this excellent green beauty pack containing REAL KALE. I shit you not. Kale has now made its evil way into our grooming routine.
In a world filled with so much animal cruelty, how about we teach our kids to chop off Rudolph’s head and stick it on the wall? He’ll even light up and talk to you like he’s still alive. Kmart? WTF, it’s a no from me.
Stay on top of your game with this Playboy gift set. Great if your game is standing on the street corner or boning 90-year-olds.
If sacred rocks won’t keep you entertained for a whole year, how about this macaron calendar? For the baker in the family. And even then they’d probably still look at you like WTF.
Also in the so bad it should have been axed calendar ideas is the new 2017 Friends one. This TV show ended 12 years ago. Yet the stars are frozen in time. Can we not let it go?
I got bitten by a horse once when I was younger, so I still can’t trust them 100%. But, after seeing this 365 tear-off calendar, I now absolutely do not trust them even 1%.
Nothing much to say about this one, apart from it’s a real turd.
I love the play on words with this pack for the man who has some serious hair issues. Must give to a man with confidence, because nothing says you’re ugly like a nose and ear hair trimmer.
And the ladies version. I love shaving ladies, don’t you?
This John Lennon styled bedazzled Santa is a mere $799. I’d want it to be made from bits of real Santa at that price.
This dude looks like he has shit himself.
These crackers are not all they’re cracked up to be. What is Christmas lunch without that shitty paper hat? Who wants “Silver plated content”? I’ll stick to my cheap ass bonbons thanks, Costco.
This. This is the only present you need this Christmas. Pack your bags and fly the fuck away from everyone that expects a present and save yourself the pain.
Fuck You Christmas shopping. Fuck your malls full of deep sea mineral people trying to give you a free hand job. Fuck the people, fuck the decorations and fuck the car park too. Fuck the food court where you binge on shitty fast food to escape the perils of the retail hell-hole experience. Fuck the look of terror on everyone’s faces. Fuck You to the stupidly overpriced Santa photos that are not embracing technology. If I am going to have to sit on a fat, sweaty, old man’s lap that I have never met, I don’t expect to have to bend over and take it up the butt on price. If I want my miserable Santa Selfie I should be able to pay $5 or $10 bucks and be done with it. This ain’t the Pixie photo era anymore.
HO HO HO Fuck You Christmas Shopping. You suck.
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