I simply cannot deal with those who can’t park to save themselves.
The Westfield’s of Australia have saved me some pain by installing those clever little lights over the parking spaces, but the people that can’t get their shit together enough to get into one without doing a 75 point turn are making me get my crazy face on.
I’ve seen people in small cars, big cars, medium sized cars and even vintage cars approach an entire row of spots with no other cars in them and not be able to get into one with a single move. How does this happen? Where did they get their license from? I’ll be sitting there waiting patiently, but that will only last so long before I get on the horn and start screaming abuse. If it’s Ethel who is driving then she will often jump when I hit the horn, which is kind of mean but she fucking deserves it. If it isn’t Ethel, I will either get ignored or given the finger (which just inflames the situation further), so I then do my best tyre burning moves and skid into another aisle with my middle finger waving wildly out of my sun roof. Assholes.
Who the hell do these people think they are? I NEED to bring attention to your bad driving. I HAVE to make others notice how shocking you are. I WANT others to validate my feelings. How dare you take that away from me!!!!
I will not be silenced.
It’s worse if there is only one spot available and they try and reverse in. Inch by excruciating inch I have to sit by and watch while these assholes practice their driving. I find myself giving them instructions even though they cannot hear me. It goes something like this… “Don’t scrape the mirror, there you go there you go, that’s it. NO. Don’t stop now, you’ve got 8 kilometres of space to your fucking right!!!! Stick your head out the window you dickhead!! I could park a fucking bus in there!!!”
Surely the other 4 people in the car with their faces pressed against the glass could help a sister out? No. Here I sit traumatised for the next 10 minutes while they complete their park. And when they’ve finally reached a standstill, it’s still a bloody mess and crooked as hell. And god help me if they’ve got to park beside a pole. Because that 30cm wide concrete pole may as well be the size of Australia, it’s just an obstacle too far for these knob jockeys. The blind spot that it causes just sends them into a stupor.
Through experience I have learned to try and spot the drivers who will be the worst before I even end up behind them. Anyone who has toys stuck to their dashboard or things dangling from their rear view mirrors are to be avoided at all costs. No exceptions are to be made. Because let’s face it, they are distracted by the movement of these dangly, bobbly things and they are a fucking menace. Hats or boxes of tissues on the parcel tray are also a tell-tale sign that this person is trouble, and it’s probably Ethel. The same goes for the families with half their house piled inside the car up to the roof blocking all visibility. AVOID. AVOID!
It doesn’t help that carparks are often very dark places, but shit. Even moles who can’t fucking see manage to find their way around their little underground lairs. Why is it so difficult for these crap parkers?
I’ve even found myself wanting to jump out of my own car and do it for them. Without tooting my own trumpet I am an excellent parker. I can even parallel park on the “wrong” side of the road with zero problems. It’s easy!
Of course you’ve also got the Class- A (for arrogant) rich assholes that just park however the fuck they like. They will park in a disabled spot, a seniors spot, a parking with prams spot, or just make up their own between two spots. Because they are special. And usually drive a very expensive car to show us just how special they are. Parking across two spots is a huge “fuck you” to the rest of humanity who actually do the right thing.
So Fuck You to all bad parkers who are not as amazing as my fine self. Fuck your excruciatingly slow moves and your 75 point turns. Fuck your asshole luxury car attitude thinking you can have more than one spot at a time. You are all douches. Surrender your license and leave the parking to the rest of us. Catch a bloody bus, I’ll even pay for it. Just piss off.
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