Fuck You, Bachelor in Paradise.

This long-awaited reality TV debut has turned into a bit of a snore fest, hasn’t it? I mean, without Keira I would have turned off a couple of weeks ago. After the masterpiece that was Married at First Sight, I expected a LOT more drama cabana antics, way more shagging and at least a couple of spews. I feel a bit let down.  There have been a couple of good moments (milk bath anyone?), but I’ve mostly been left cold by the muted versions of these much loved (and hated) reality TV ‘stars’.

For the uninitiated, Bachelor in Paradise is a bunch of rejects from previous seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette thrown together in one hot mess on a tropical Island in Fiji. Sounds like a shag fest that smells like bodily fluids, booze and coconut oil. Turned out to be the TV equivalent of a minor case of thrush. Irritating, a bit red, and something you could have done without.

Let’s break down the talent, shall we?

Osher. The Vegan Ken Doll who delivers his predictable and hapless matchmaker schtick in fine fashion.

Sam. Clearly doesn’t give a toss that the entire world seems to think he needs a haircut.

I can’t believe it’s not butter.

Flo. The horse we backed early to work her way through the men and leave an aching, Dutch, trail of destruction. Wrong. Maybe she was just too Dutch?

Jarrod. Had life insurance written into his contract should he spontaneously combust from too much sun. Who is the fool that sent this man to a fucking Tropical Island? He’s a walking melanoma. 

Fuck you, Banana Boat.

Jake. Shifty eyes. Even shiftier penis intentions.

Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, don’t look around my eyes, look into my eyes, you’re under. I have not been taking your underwear home, putting it on in my bedroom and then parading up and down in front of the mirror going ‘Oh, oh, oh, oh’. Three, two, one… You’re back in the room.

 

Keira. The only reason this show has been tolerable. What she lacks in confidence and facial expressions, she more than makes up for in biting barbs. My fave.

Anyone who is not me is simply a peasant.

Eden. Part breakdancer, part joker, part potential serial killer. I can’t decide if I’m in love with him or scared of him. Definitely, don’t want to cook him eggs.

yallintrouble

Nina. The born-again virgin act fell flat when she denied Eden and Daniel a pash. But seriously, there could be anything hiding in Eden’s beard. Well played my dear.

“Shut up! You have douchebags in Canada too?”

Tara. Says this is her last chance at love before she morphs into a fat, Croatian Mumma. Fond of a bun and a lot of booze.

Mack. Should probably not talk to girls ever again. Or perhaps shouldn’t get his pick up lines from a fortune cookie. Sweet, but too keen.

“Do you work at Subway? ‘Cause you just gave me a foot-long.”

Leah. The head bobbling blonde with zero fucks to give. Got shafted by Grant, but ironically probably has (and frequently wears) a “Players Gonna Play” t-shirt.

“Wanna be my security blanket? Y’know, until I find something better”.

Grant. Reminds me of a slightly less fortunate version of the Hot Felon, but with looser morals. Currently trying to bone Malibu Barbie.

Ali, A.K.A Malibu Barbie. Had all the guys predictably frothing and has a canny way of getting involved in a lot of the drama but never coming off as the bad guy. One to watch.

Make mine a Malibu and coke.

Daniel. Lasted one episode because he was a total douche. Us Aussie girls aren’t stupid.

Megan. Used to Queer Bait for ratings. Inexplicably is drawn to shifty-eyed Jake,  before having a crack at Thomas. Then retreated from the brown Birkenstocked Canadian in favour of the shifty-eyed Jake.

#iinfluencersbeinfluencing

Thomas. Wears brown Birkenstocks and bad board shorts on the beach and shall not get the ladies suitably moist. Ended up with 5 blokes in a milky bath instead. So zen it hurts.

I start my day with a pawpaw enema and some chanting in a hot yoga session. It’s like, totally primal man.

Simone. Calls skinny competition flabby Penguins. Is probably on PornHub sans pixelated footage for her Paddle Boarding yoga sesh with JRed.

Apollo. The magic-loving woman’s strumpet. The one everyone wants to play the disappearing bone trick with.

Do I make you horny baby? Do I?

Brett. Wanted a free holiday. THE END.

Yeah, but I was going to just fall in love with my girlfriend. What is the problem?

Davey. Shafted by Flo. Could possibly have been good value but we never got to see. Sad.

My name is Davey. I like hot chicks, drinking, and parties where there is bulk vagina.

Elora. Tahitian Goddess but incapable of humility. Knows she’s got the goods and will persue her singular strategy of becoming Apollo’s assistant and travelling the world twirling her…..fire.

Handbags at dawn.

American Jared. Looks like Tom Cruise and Stifler’s love child.

It’s like warm apple pie….put your manners back in!

 

Luke. Soulful eyes but a wandering dick. Shame.

 Lisa. One of the few with all her original parts. Shafted by Luke.

Star of “Shafted 2”. Straight to DVD Release.

Lenora. Mercifully, there were no dirty street pies in Fiji. Sad exit 🙁

Blake. Did the thing with the hair and then failed a three syllable love test.

Cultural appropriation or trend setter?

Michael. Completely redeemed himself for me during the series. Despite being nice to everyone got left in the shade. But you’ll still be able to find him because his teeth glow in the dark. A sweetie.

Is that sunscreen in your pocket?

Sasha. The rose eating Russian has zero fucks to give and nobody had any fucks to give her. Seems the international ones don’t have much luck.

что за черт 

Rachael. Wears a white bikini and stuff.  Simone’s nemesis. 

This tastes saaaah amazing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So that’s it. Apparently, we get a proposal out of this, but I am not holding my breath for any 50 year long Paradise relationships. We might get a honeymoon baby out of it, but we are probably more likely to see some scathing hashtags, some serious shade thrown, and probably a whole lot of Instagram product endorsement once the show wraps. Like thrush, it will go away eventually and we will forget about it. Until the next time.

Fuck you Bachelor in Paradise. Fuck your Queer Baiting and your lack of real shenanigans. Fuck your dodgy pool of contestants that didn’t want to root at the sight of a porn star martini. Where are the shits n’ giggles? Oh yeah, you edited those out in favour of some non-events at the rose ceremonies. WE WANTED MAD DRUNKEN ROOTING GOD DAMN IT! Have you learnt fucking nothing from the fan pages? You had plenty of time to spice things up based on the majesty that was MAFS and you still gave us a raining, boring and bloody tepid-as-shit version of a Franchise that should have known better.

You suck.

THE END

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One Comment Add yours

  1. Cilla says:

    I have been through some scary shit in my personal life so I have lived for the banality that is Bachie in Paradise. Your assessments are spot on. Have you seen the before and afters of Ali – she looks very different after the lip, cheek and boob implants. I love Keira. I loved how few fucks Laurina had to give. Leah is a bit of a mole, and Simone and Elora have mole tendencies also. Sammy needs to do his hairs but he treats Tara like a goddess and I rate that.

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