Fuck You, Asparagus Wee.

I consider myself an all or nothing individual. There is absolutely nothing I like to do by halves. For example, I cannot eat one chocolate, one biscuit or one piece of cheese. Nor can I drink one beer. I must drink ALL the beer to be satisfied.

Because I can no longer eat Kale and realised I hadn’t eaten a green vegetable in quite some time, I decided to steam two bunches of asparagus and eat it for lunch. Two whole bunches of steamed asparagus on a plate, with nothing else. That would fix my iron deficiency for sure!

15 minutes later I needed to pee and the stench was unbearable. So, I consulted the wild world of web for some answers. The smell is down to a compound called methyl–mercaptin found in asparagus, that once broken down by the body produces a sulphurous odor likened to rotting cabbage. Several medical papers also suggest that not all humans produce this foul smelling piss after eating asparagus and there are also some that are unable to smell it at all despite it being present. Weird.

Mind you, this information was collated after having actual humans agree to pee in cups and then smell each others pee. I’m not too sure how fucking scientific that would be.

A paper by Allison and McWhirter (1956) called those who get stinky asparagus pee “Excretors”. As if smelling like you farted rotten cabbage out of your front bum wasn’t bad enough.

For at least the next 12 hours I was forced to face my unfortunate role as an “Excretor” every time time I had to spend a penny. The Husband was even shaking his head in disgust if we crossed path en route to the facilities.

Fuck You Asparagus. Fuck your waste molecules that can make my pee smell like a rotten cabbage and fuck your stupid purple rubber bands that flick me in the eyeball.

The End


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