Oh god. It’s been a year since I exposed the shithouse presents available for Mums around the world and plunged the sales of Peruvian Potato Farming fashion into the ground.
Am I sorry? Fuck no. I consider this a community service. A cry for help to all the marketers and product buyers who just need to do a better bloody job.
I searched high and low for Australia’s most unwanted gifts and I am sorry to report not much has changed in 12 months. Check it out….
Say it with balls. Yep, that’s right. Shut those whinging feminists up and get them to clean the carpets.
Or actual balls. Giant ones with a massive discount of $0.00. Get ready for these to be thrown at your head in appreciation.
A 50% off Kale Bouquet. Perfect for the Mother in Law you can’t fucking stand.
Fancy planting something in the hollowed head of a child? Didn’t think so.
A mini sewing machine! How thoughtful of you. Can I REALLY take it anywhere? *jumps for joy*
A Keep Calm spatula. Nawwwww. Thanks, Wiltshit.
Ooooh! An Air Fryer! I am SO glad you spent $359 on this and not a whole day at the spa! #gratitude
Pop into Kmart and fill your boots. Because nothing says ‘I Love You Mum” like a cable knit scarf and a mug.
Make Mum’s day with a large mushroom solar light. Recapture the “magic” of the 60’s…..Except without the fun part.
This smells like old people. And more importantly, an old, deceased celebrity. Eau de Formaldehyde anyone? Sorry Liz, it’s a no from me.
This is what you get when you pay 14-year-olds to pack the shelves at the Reject Shop. Me thinks this goes in the hens night aisle wouldn’t you say?
When was the last time you took a bath with a fucking eye mask and a teddy bear? The concept is cute, but I’ll be damned if this model has given birth to anything apart from a kale-ridden turd in her life.
So here we go again. Bracing ourselves for the onslaught of bad mugs, air fryers and gigolo bottle openers. What the ever loving fuck is wrong with the world? Is it really that hard to lay off the predictable shit from yesteryear and get us something decent? Sorry to complain, but I reckon I’ll be thrilled with the “craft” that comes back from my daughter’s daycare this afternoon over any of this crap.
But perhaps not if it looks like this devilish portrait a friend’s son drew her for Mother’s Day a few years back. It still makes me laugh. Red eyes, razor sharp teeth and some kind of animal sacrifice. These kids really see us as we are, don’t they?
Yep. I’ll be happy with the kiss and the cuddle and the breakfast in bed. Sans shitty mug. But I’ll be equally as happy when the first signs of freedom arise and I get that warm cup of tea along with what all of us mums really need the most. Silence.
THE END
Can I start by saying I fucking love you… the fact that you found a present labelled ‘the ultimate screw’ and it actually doesn’t get you off, really does make it the fucking worst present ever made…. except that it does open wine so maybe there is a light at the end of that tunnel…. but come the fuck on Farkew there’s a lot more to you than witty negative banter, and if you’re re-issuing the same thing one year on then maybe it’s time to change your ‘tude? keep up the cynicism but embrace who you are too, a mum… you can be both and love a little of neither….
I can tell you about the perfect bedtime I had where the kids kissed me and put away their toys? Nah…boring!
I just saw a TV add for a $900 diamond ring with a son saying something along the lines of ‘I know you said don’t get you anything, but even more the reason to get you something special’ !!!!
Because everyone has a spare $900!
I would love a screw! If it helps, I think advertisers are guilting kids out. The ads showing them giving their mothers jewellery and saying: ‘Because she’s my Mum and I love her’. My kids get upset because they think it insinuates that kid who can’t afford to buy their mums jewellery don’t love them!