Fuck You (again), Mother’s Day.

Oh god. It’s been a year since I exposed the shithouse presents available for Mums around the world and plunged the sales of Peruvian Potato Farming fashion into the ground.

Am I sorry? Fuck no. I consider this a community service. A cry for help to all the marketers and product buyers who just need to do a better bloody job.

I searched high and low for Australia’s most unwanted gifts and I am sorry to report not much has changed in 12 months. Check it out….

Say it with balls. Yep, that’s right. Shut those whinging feminists up and get them to clean the carpets.

A woman’s place is in the home. And it sucks.

Or actual balls. Giant ones with a massive discount of $0.00. Get ready for these to be thrown at your head in appreciation.

You’ll want to grow some balls to deal with the result of gifting these to anyone.

A 50% off Kale Bouquet. Perfect for the Mother in Law you can’t fucking stand.

Once I start to wilt just throw me in a smoothie! Hoorah!

Fancy planting something in the hollowed head of a child? Didn’t think so.

We won’t hear you crying because we do not have any ears.

A mini sewing machine! How thoughtful of you. Can I REALLY take it anywhere? *jumps for joy*

I might sew your mouth shut with this you piece of shit.

A Keep Calm spatula. Nawwwww. Thanks, Wiltshit.

Ooooh! An Air Fryer! I am SO glad you spent $359 on this and not a whole day at the spa! #gratitude

You give this to mum and you are basically saying “Cook the man some fucking eggs”. But with chips. Not ok.

Pop into Kmart and fill your boots. Because nothing says ‘I Love You Mum” like a cable knit scarf and a mug.

You’ll need to warm up with the scarf because the cuppa is ALWAYS cold.

Make Mum’s day with a large mushroom solar light. Recapture the “magic” of the 60’s…..Except without the fun part.

Unless this can be used as a giant butt plug, I reckon it’s going straight to the regifting cupboard.

This smells like old people. And more importantly, an old, deceased celebrity. Eau de Formaldehyde anyone? Sorry Liz, it’s a no from me.

I see dead people…..

This is what you get when you pay 14-year-olds to pack the shelves at the Reject Shop. Me thinks this goes in the hens night aisle wouldn’t you say?

Find your finest bottle of French for this bad boy.

When was the last time you took a bath with a fucking eye mask and a teddy bear? The concept is cute, but I’ll be damned if this model has given birth to anything apart from a kale-ridden turd in her life.

Teen Mom has a lot to answer for.

So here we go again. Bracing ourselves for the onslaught of bad mugs, air fryers and gigolo bottle openers. What the ever loving fuck is wrong with the world? Is it really that hard to lay off the predictable shit from yesteryear and get us something decent? Sorry to complain, but I reckon I’ll be thrilled with the “craft” that comes back from my daughter’s daycare this afternoon over any of this crap.

But perhaps not if it looks like this devilish portrait a friend’s son drew her for Mother’s Day a few years back. It still makes me laugh. Red eyes, razor sharp teeth and some kind of animal sacrifice. These kids really see us as we are, don’t they?

All the better to eat you with!!

Yep. I’ll be happy with the kiss and the cuddle and the breakfast in bed. Sans shitty mug. But I’ll be equally as happy when the first signs of freedom arise and I get that warm cup of tea along with what all of us mums really need the most. Silence.

THE END

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5 Comments Add yours

  1. Cassie says:

    Can I start by saying I fucking love you… the fact that you found a present labelled ‘the ultimate screw’ and it actually doesn’t get you off, really does make it the fucking worst present ever made…. except that it does open wine so maybe there is a light at the end of that tunnel…. but come the fuck on Farkew there’s a lot more to you than witty negative banter, and if you’re re-issuing the same thing one year on then maybe it’s time to change your ‘tude? keep up the cynicism but embrace who you are too, a mum… you can be both and love a little of neither….

    1. Far Kew says:

      I can tell you about the perfect bedtime I had where the kids kissed me and put away their toys? Nah…boring!

  2. Jen says:

    I just saw a TV add for a $900 diamond ring with a son saying something along the lines of ‘I know you said don’t get you anything, but even more the reason to get you something special’ !!!!

    1. Far Kew says:

      Because everyone has a spare $900!

  3. I would love a screw! If it helps, I think advertisers are guilting kids out. The ads showing them giving their mothers jewellery and saying: ‘Because she’s my Mum and I love her’. My kids get upset because they think it insinuates that kid who can’t afford to buy their mums jewellery don’t love them!

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