Fuck You, Bad Parkers.

I simply cannot deal with those who can’t park to save themselves. The Westfield’s of Australia have saved me some pain by installing those clever little lights over the parking spaces, but the people that can’t get their shit together enough to get into one without doing a 75 point turn are making me get my crazy face…

Fuck You, Mother’s Day.

I’ve got a mum and I am a mum. Which means I am going to be on the giving and receiving end during this Mother’s Day. This week while I was at the mall (my favourite place on earth….KILL ME NOW) I was saddened at the lack of decent gifts available for purchase and kind of…

Fuck You, Game of Thrones.

I’ve been hooked since the first episode of this unbelievably magnificent TV show. I have loyally stood by while all my favourite characters got slaughtered and the fate of the ones left seems cruelly predictable. But I keep watching. A lot has been said about the plot lines and evil mind of the show’s creator. Not enough…

Fuck You, Bitching Hour.

Bitching Hour. Not actually an hour, but roughly the time between 5-7pm when you’ve got kids to feed, bathe, dress and sedate so they will go the fuck to sleep. In my house this is when all the major league unpleasant shit goes down. Hair is pulled, limbs are bitten, food is thrown and toys are smashed. And that’s…

Fuck You, Humble Braggers.

Ah, the humble brag. One of the most annoying things on Facebook and all social media come to think of it. Nothing gets my back up more than someone who is unable to own their own apparent majesty and just fucking BRAG.

One of the things I miss most about the Facebook mums groups I’ve been kicked out of is the plethora of humble brags. Especially where cakes are concerned.

Fuck You, Depression.

I’m going to warn you now, there is nothing funny about this post. You might want to pass over this one if you are the skipping, clappy handy type (not that there is anything wrong with that, gimme some please). And I promise something much more fun than this is coming on Friday.
I’ve had some really interesting messages over the past few weeks. Everything from Trolls telling me I suck, “fan mail” *chortle* to Far Kew and heartfelt messages from friends and complete strangers thanking me for the laughs. I love it. Some of them have been quite personal ones, telling me my rants are the only light part of their week as they are suffering from depression. And those ones hit a bit of a nerve.

Far Kew is fine with life, she gets a bit ranty throughout the week, but stuff just rolls off her. Me? Not so much in tune with the rolling.

Fuck You, Telstra. Part 2.

I was pretty shitty to receive my Telstra bill this month seeing as I wasn’t able to use the service for a good few days during the last billing period. I had issues with the Telstra network going down like millions of others, and I also had issues with my home internet connection going down for…

Fuck You, Tiger Air.

I often need to take a quick trip up to Sydney for work purposes and usually the cheapest flights are with Tiger Air. They are relatively new to the scene, but legit enough that I will fly them and not worry about plummeting out of the sky in a fiery wreck.

Until this week.

My alarm went off at the unwelcome but not obscene time of 6am and I had a quick splash and kissed my kids goodbye. I had a dream run to the airport, arriving 1.5 hours before my flight was due to leave, which is unheard of for me as I am nearly always scrambling in there looking like a not-so-hot mess right at the last minute.

Fuck You, Johnny Depp.

So many people asked me what my opinion of this gut wrenchingly awful video was that I could no longer stay silent.

You will no doubt have seen or at least heard about the apology video that Johnny Depp and his wife Amber Heard were forced to give yesterday as part of the punishment for smuggling their dogs Pistol and Boo undeclared into Australia last year.

Fuck You, Shopping Centre Rides.

Y’all know I hate to go shopping. It’s where the most insufferable fools like to hang out, seemingly just to give me the fucking shits.

If I want to make a place in a fiery hell-like situation seem preferable to living, I take my kids to the local shopping center and combine two of my most hated tasks. Shopping. And shopping with my children.

My local hell-hole, I mean mall, is your typical run-of-the-mill centre with the usual suspects available like Coles, Woolies, Target, JB Hi-Fi and a food court. But you cannot enter this place without finding those fucking vending machines selling life-threatening confectionery, cheap plastic trinkets or choke hazard bouncing balls. Or it could be those machines with the claw which I am certain they wax up so you never fucking win.

If you can get past those without your kids having an epic meltdown and almost dislocating your arm from pulling, you will be met in about 5 steps by one of those merry-go-round kiddie rides. Cue another epic meltdown if you do not let them at least sit on it for a couple of minutes. They have flashing lights, friendly paint-jobs and are super fucking appealing to kids.

I’ve spat out the same sad old lines time and time again “Sorry, mummy has run out of money.” “This one is broken.” “No, we don’t put money in these it’s a waste.” My kids are usually happy to sit on it and pretend for a few minutes while I muster up the strength to keep going.

Once they get their fill of the Wiggles’ Big Red Car or the Thomas The Tank Engine ride, we press on. But little more than 8 fucking steps later and there’s another one! YIPPPEEEEE.

I want to choke myself.

WTF Wednesday, 13th April.

This is what happens when you pay 15 year olds $5 an hour to work on a Sunday. Poor pigs. It’s not their fault they are vertically challenged.

C U Next Tuesday. The C*ntasaurus.

If you have been keeping up with this blog, you will know that I recently registered the domain www.cuntasaurus.com after I called out the haters in a recent post about trolls.

I was kinda amazed it was still available, but I snapped that shit up faster than you can get flicked in the eyeball by a purple asparagus rubber band. Pretty fucking fast.

What are my plans? Well. I know there are people out there that have used cuntasaurus as an insult. But I believe I am the first to liken it to a Thesaurus. Even if I am not, I’m claiming it. So there.

You see, I am actually a pretty polite person in real life. Far Kew is my evil sidekick who can say and do whatever the fuck she feels like.

But she won’t say c*unt. And neither will I.
Occasionally I will roll it out for shock value, but to me it’s just a word too far. It doesn’t suit me and it doesn’t suit Far Kew.

In comes my idea. The Cuntasaurus. An insult bible for those who can’t or won’t say “The C Word”. When asshole just won’t cut it, consult the cuntasaurus for the perfect smack down.

I need your help. Let’s do this together!

I invite you all to send me your best insults for potential inclusion into this handy pocket guide. There are no rules apart from you having to have “liked” the Fuck You Friday FB page.

So PM me your best withering insults that will send even the biggest douche bag running for the hills.

Just don’t say C*NT.

THE END.

Fuck You, Asparagus Wee.

I consider myself an all or nothing individual. There is absolutely nothing I like to do by halves. For example, I cannot eat one chocolate, one biscuit or one piece of cheese. Nor can I drink one beer. I must drink ALL the beer to be satisfied.

Because I can no longer eat Kale and realised I hadn’t eaten a green vegetable in quite some time, I decided to steam two bunches of asparagus and eat it for lunch. Two whole bunches of steamed asparagus on a plate, with nothing else. That would fix my iron deficiency for sure!

15 minutes later I needed to pee and the stench was unbearable. So, I consulted the wild world of web for some answers. The smell is down to a compound called methyl–mercaptin found in asparagus, that once broken down by the body produces a sulphurous odor likened to rotting cabbage. Several medical papers also suggest that not all humans produce this foul smelling piss after eating asparagus and there are also some that are unable to smell it at all despite it being present. Weird.

Mind you, this information was collated after having actual humans agree to pee in cups and then smell each others pee. I’m not too sure how fucking scientific that would be.

Fuck You, Peak Hour Drivers.

On Wednesday this week, I had to drive to a place called Footscray, when it was pissing down with rain. Footscray is an ugly shit hole, made all the more shit by the fog and rain and sudden freezing weather. And it got me thinking. Why is it that, at the slightest drop of rain, people…

A Bit of Fucking Education.

I’d never really given much thought about the origins of one of my favourite words. Until a superb video was shared with me by the mighty astute Fiona Mackay from Sydney. But before we go there, check out the Wikipedia entry for Fuck. Wikipedia says: Fuck is an obscene English language word, which refers to the act of…

WTF Wednesday – 6th April

This installment of WTF Wednesday seems to have a bit of an animal theme. Ace from Perth sent me this delicious confectionery item. Note how the camel (who looks a bit high) has moved his tail to the side, so you can see the majesty of his great big sour liquid-filled camel balls that you…

Fuck You, School Holidays.

Yesterday I was cursing the school holidays as I spent hours stuck in traffic which eventually forced me to stop for a snack in one of the richest suburbs of Melbourne. 2 coffees, a quiche and half a baguette cost $30 and we never reached our destination.

Fuck You, April Fools’ Day.

April 1st drives me nuts. All the idiots come out to play a practical joke and I just don’t find it funny. AT ALL.

Fuck You, Internet Trolls.

This Fuck You Friday Blog started about 3 weeks ago when I gave the middle finger to the North Shore Mums Facebook group. It went viral ( 173,000 hits and counting) and I was thrust into the spotlight.

WTF Wednesday – The Easter Edition.

WTF Wednesday started early on Good Friday when some sad fucker from Orange decided it was a good idea to go out driving fully naked and do who-knows-what to himself with a sex toy.  He got pulled over by the cops because he was driving extremely slowly and they thought it looked a bit suspicious. The name…

Fuck You Instagram

Instagram. When I first heard of it I was unconvinced. I really didn’t think it would become as huge as it has over the past 5 years. But it is now huge. Mega fucking  facebook-buys-it-for-one-billion-dollars huge. For a little while I played around with it and shared the odd snap of the kids, but the…

Fuck You Telstra

I am one of millions of Telstra customers who foolishly believed “You get what you pay for” when it comes to Telstra services. After all, they’ve spent years trying to convince us punters that their offering is superior to any other and that we must pay a savage premium to enjoy it. Despite much more attractive…

WTF Wednesday 23rd March

  Thank you to everyone who has been sending in these for WTF Wednesday. Enjoy! Genetically modified crops will kill us all. But not if we ride away to safety on a bargain four legged chicken! Giddy-up! Thanks Jo Joe for sending that one in. Fiona from Dubai was baffled by “Essence of Kangaroo”. Because…

Fuck You Two Minute Noodles

I grew up in the 70’s when Suimin instant noodles in those styrofoam cups were considered pretty exotic. Fluorescent pink sweet and sour pork from a Chinese restaurant was world class cuisine and if you had tried Japanese food people would think you were a superstar. Somehow over the years those magic instant noodles lasted…

Fuck You Donald Trump

It’s Fuck You Friday! YEAH!!! If the shocking victories in this week’s Super Tuesday 2 are anything to go by, Donald Trump could be the next President of the United States of America. Because a lot of really, really, really stupid people live there and they think that’s a good idea. And I’m scared. This…

WTF Wednesday 16th March

WTF Wednesday is what we all need while we wait for Fuck You Friday.

Here are the ones that had me floored. I mean actually saying WTF. I wasn’t able to stick to just 3 so I just changed the rules. Because I can do whatever the hell I like on here and can’t get kicked out. HAHAHAHAHA The power!

Suck an actual bag of Dicks?

The other day I had a fantastic lady from the USA who will remain nameless send me a PM that stopped me breathing for a second. I felt this instant connection with her that I’ve never felt before. It was raw. Rugged. Real. The message read…. “Hey, what if I told you I had an…

Fuck You Friday meets Woogsworld

Check out the podcast Woog & Berry from Mrs Woog @ Woogworld featuring my fine self. I come on at 32.30. They interviewed me this morning about the shitstorm that happened after the Fuck You North Shore Mums post went viral. Tomorrow morning when I’m wiping shit off my two kids and eating cold toast I…

FUCK YOU unexpected item in the bagging area.

Self-serve checkouts, I fucking hate them. They make me murderous because 9 times out of 10 I get “Unexpected item in the bagging area”. What exactly is so unexpected? Did you think I plonked a unicorn on the weight tray? Whoa! Wasn’t expecting that!! It’s going to be a fucking grocery item of some description…

Fuck You North Shore Mums

The Fun Police were out in fucking force yesterday. Otherwise known as the admin team from a Facebook group called North Shore Mums. Here is what went down. I have been a member of that Facebook group since its inception, but grew tired of the mundane posts about Fiji, reasonably priced cleaners, lunchbox ideas and…

Fuck You Aldi Centre Aisle Special Buys

Oh my god, where to fucking start. Aldi, I heart you.  You do what it says on the box and provide me with good quality essentials at a reasonable cost. I was a convert way before it was accepted to shop in Aldi and risked the povo associations for years until you became legit. Your “versions”…

This just made me throw up in my mouth

It’s no secret I fucking hate kale. And I can tell you I have received no less than about 27 emails this week from people wanting to show me foodstuffs with kale in it. Thanks….. This one made me throw up a little in my mouth because it’s combining kale with another food I cannot…

FUCK YOU Himalayan Black Salt

Having not grown up in the Himalayan mountains, I am unfamiliar with salt mines.I grew up with the big white container of iodised cheap ass salt that everyone used to have. But I just KNOW Himalayan pink rock salt is great stuff because it’s everywhere now and it’s totes fancy. I never bothered to find…

FUCK YOU to the Asian pedicure place.

Fuck you for leaving me sitting there with my feet marinating in lukewarm water while you went and ate your lunch. You electrocuted my asshole! And not in a good way! It’s bad enough that I risk infection by getting the cheap ass pedicure from your dodgy establishment that is probably hiding a drug operation…

FUCK YOU Kale.

I cannot make friends with you. I just can’t. I’ve tried eating you in salads, juicing you and making chips out of you. Recently I had a “Super Food Salad” from a local cafe and got lock jaw halfway through. This shit is TOUGH! The only reason this is a “super food” is because you…